Page 3 of Check the Halls
His lips quirk up, the smile achingly familiar. “I live here.”
I knew that. Of course I did. Ben is a defensemen for the Ottawa Otters and we are in Ottawa. Still, it’s a city of over a million people, I never thought I’d accidentally bump into him. Or maybe I’d hoped I wouldn’t?
“What are you doing here?” he asks tentatively, like he’s not sure he has a right to the information.
“Um…I live here, too.”
Ben’s face lights up, making him look so much like the boy I once loved. My heart feels like it’s one beat away from shattering in my chest. “Really?”
It’s been ten years. How is it possible that it can hurt so badly after ten years?
“Yes. I got a new job and moved in with Derek at the end of August.” I feel a flush travel up my neck as I realize Ben doesn’t know who I’m talking about. “Um…Derek is my–”
“Your fiancé.” He glances away briefly before returning my gaze and giving me a weak smile. “I know. I guess congratulations are in order.”
"Thanks," I manage to say, though the word feels like gravel in my throat. He knows? How does he know? We haven’t spoken since he left for Philadelphia ten years ago. My relationship status was not the subject of gossip magazines, unlike his. It was always an unpleasant shock to see his face on the cover of a shiny tabloid as I paid for my groceries, smiling next to some model or another.
"You look good, Madness.” His voice is warm and soft. A simple statement that somehow feels intimate. Too intimate. Suddenly, this is all too much. The last time we spoke we were ending our relationship, a relationship that I had thought would be my forever. Now he’s congratulating me on my engagement to another man.
"Thanks," I say again, because I can’t seem to manage anything else. My mind is stuck in a cruel loop, replaying the way he looked at me the night we broke up—hurt, angry, but most of all confused. Like he couldn’t understand how we’d gotten to that place.
“Ben?”
I’d forgotten all about the woman calling his name. His head turns and he raises his hand, acknowledging that he’s heard her. Across the street I see a woman with dark hair standing next to a tall, broad-shouldered man.
“Sorry,” he says, turning back to me. “I took off on my sister and her boyfriend without warning. You remember Beth.” It’s not a question, nor should it be.
“Of course.” Despite my shock at this whole situation, I smile as I remember Ben’s younger sister. She’d been in grade seven when we started dating. We broke up just before she started her last year of high school. I never did get to take her prom dress shopping like I’d promised her.
My phone starts to ring in my purse, bringing me back to the present. The driving guitar chords of ‘Barracuda’ by Heart could not be more out of place at this moment, and I hurry to silence the call. That ringtone is assigned to one singular person on my contact list, and the last thing I need right now is to talk to my future mother-in-law.
Ben quirks an eyebrow at the song but says nothing.
As unwelcome as Kathleen’s call is, this one served itspurpose. I have a hundred and one things to do and reopening wounds with old flames is nowhere on that list. I need to focus on my future, not my past.
So I grab my keys and take a step towards my car. “I had better get going,” I say, pointing at my Audi.
“Of course,” he says, moving a step closer. Now we’re only four feet apart and that’s too close for comfort.
“Have a nice day,” I offer lamely like I’m a greeter at Walmart addressing a stranger instead of her first, and maybe greatest, love. I open the driver door and am halfway inside when Ben moves even closer. Now we’re only two feet apart.
“Do you want to hang out sometime?” His expression is so eager, so vulnerable it's as though he’s breaking my heart all over again. “Grab a coffee and catch up?”
I want to say yes. In this moment, I want nothing more than to erase the last 10 years, the heartbreak we caused one another, and go back to the last time I truly felt loved for who I was. But I am not that girl anymore, and I doubt Ben is the same boy. It’s been a decade, and we both have whole new lives now. Grown up lives that don’t include each other. I want it so much that I know it must be a horrible decision. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
His shoulders deflate, but he manages a smile and a nod that tells me he understands. “I get that. If you change your mind, or if you ever need anything, just give me a call. My phone number hasn’t changed.” He waits until I’m in the car before softly shutting my door. We share a look that might last for seconds, or eons, before he steps back up onto the sidewalk.
I don’t remember starting the car or putting it inreverse, but I must have because the next thing I know, I’m driving away from him, feeling his eyes watch me go.
Barracuda starts up again, and again I don't answer. As I drive away, I listen to the lyrics of the song blaring from my phone. A song I’ve listened to on countless occasions but today it’s like I’m hearing the words for the first time.
So this ain't the end, I saw you again, today
I had to turn my heart away
CHAPTER 2
BEN
