Page 25 of Check the Halls
Of course she does.
“Speaking of the Cheshire Cat,” she continues, her eyes widening. “There was a new litter of kittens at the animal shelter yesterday and I got to help name them before they went out to be fostered. There was one ginger in the litter and I named him Cheshire. You should have seen him. He could barely open his eyes, he was so tiny.”
I love watching her when she’s like this, the way her hands flutter around like she couldn’t contain her excitement if she tried. Her eyes brighten and her cheeks flush. Even the way her long hair keeps falling into her face like it can’t sit still either. I reach over and tuck a strand behind her ear.
“You’re smiling,” she says, poking my thigh with her finger.
Of course I am. I’m looking at you.
“Am I not allowed to smile?” I shoot back, grinning wider just to mess with her.
She shakes her head. “No, you’re smiling like you think this is dumb.”
I’m smiling because I’m in love with you.I haven’t told her yet. Or anyone. But I’ve known for weeks. And it’s been nice keeping it to myself. I feel like everyone from my parents to my coaches have had my life planned out since I was in elementary school. Everything I’ve done has been for my hockey, and my career. But Maddy—she’s just for me.
“I don’t think it’s dumb at all,” I insist.
“It’s more than just the story, for me. Alice is curious—restless even. She questions everything. Rules, logic, the way things are supposed to be. The more she tries to make sense of everything, the more nonsensical it becomes. And I relate to that, on some level. I know what it feels like to question if you fit in or wonder where you belong.”
“You belong with me, Madness,” I tell her sincerely as I reach up and stroke her cheek. “Read me some more of it?”
She smiles and I steal another kiss before flopping down and resting my head on her lap as she opens the book to where she left off last time.
“‘Curiouser and curiouser!' cried Alice.’” Maddy reads in a high, childlike voice. She runs her fingers through my hair as I close my eyes and listen.
NOW
“I thought we were going to the mall,” Sam says as weenter the old used bookstore. His hands are shoved in the pockets of his too-big hoodie and he’s going out of his way to not look impressed.
“This place is better than the mall,” I insist, steering him right to the Fantasy section. Shelves climb all the way to the ceiling, sagging under the weight of too many stories, and the entire place smells like old paper.
He shrugs but takes a few steps closer, craning his neck to look at the towering shelves. He’s not sold on me yet, that’s for sure. The kid stays just far enough away, like I might suddenly try to parent him or shove him into hockey pads and throw him on the ice.
But even though we’re not ready to create an epic secret handshake, I feel like I’m making progress. He's been polite if a little standoffish, but we’ve got a long way to go.
I give him some space to browse and wander around until I end up in the classic literature section. I stumbled across this place after I was traded to Ottawa. I used to go to used book stores all the time when Maddy and I were together, always searching for different copies of the same book. I stopped going after we broke up. Then, a few years back, we were in Pittsburgh for a game. The restaurant the guys and I were grabbing lunch at was right next to a used book store and I decided to wander in. I found a 1942 edition ofAlice’s Adventures in Wonderland. It was leather bound and in perfect condition. I bought it having no idea if I’d ever give it to her. Over the years, I’ve kept up the search, buying interesting copies wherever I find them.
Today there are a few copies of it on the shelf, but nothing that is new or interesting. Still, I flip through adog-eared paperback thinking about her. Aside from a text confirming a brunch with the foundation donors later this week, we haven’t talked since the meeting last Friday and I’ve been holding back from reaching out again. I gave her a lot to think about last time and for all I know, she could change her mind. She may decide that she can’t be my friend.
Can I be hers? I go back and forth on that question a hundred times a day. I know that I want to try. Part of me wants Maddy back in my life so badly that I’ll take any kind of relationship I can get. But am I a big enough person to watch her live her life with someone else? Can I be in the same room with them without wishing she was with me? Watch him give her everything that I can’t?
“What are you looking at?”
“Shit.” The curse slips out as I practically jump out of my skin. How long has Sam been standing next to me? “You scared the…crap out of me, kid.”
“Sorry.” He doesn’t look sorry at all, in fact he looks pretty pleased with himself. “You say that word a lot.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t care if you swear. Can I swear too?”
This fucking kid. “No.”
“Seems kind of unfair.”
“I tell you what. You can swear when the situation calls for it.”
His lips curve upward. “Cool.” He looks at the book in my hands. “Are you getting that one?”
