Page 17 of Check the Halls
“You too, babe. I’ll text you later.”
Derek leaves our bedroom, and moments later I hear the front door of the condo open and close. I exhale and look down at Cheshire. My cat gives me a look that translates roughly to “Really? That guy?”
Derek is a lot of things. Safe. Steady. Predictable. With him, what you see is what you get and given the unpredictability of life, I find that very comforting in a partner.
“We make a good team.”That’s what he said when he proposed to me. And he was right. We’re both very career-focused but have always supported one another in our respective endeavours. I don’t get upset when he works late, and he doesn't complain when I spend half of my weekend at the office. We don’t fight much—not because we avoid conflict, but because there’s not much to fight about.
I don’t have to stay awake at night thinking aboutDerek, wondering where he is and who he’s with. So my pulse doesn’t quicken when he smiles at me. So his kisses don’t leave me loose-limbed and breathless. So what?
We’re partners and our marriage will be a partnership. A mortgage. Trips to visit our families during the holidays. Stability.
Derek isn’t the man who sweeps you off your feet, he’s the man who holds your hand and makes sure you don’t fall on your face.
I’ve already had the dizzying kind of love. The kind that leaves you lightheaded and disoriented but somehow always has you coming back for more. I’ve had passion. I’ve had fire. And I got burned.
But I burned Ben, too. We burned each other. And now we’re going to have to work together over several months like some kind of messed up immersion therapy for serial arsonists.
I pick up one of the pillows on my freshly made bed, press it tightly over my face, and scream.
When I come up for air, Cheshire has made his way over to me on the bed. His big head nudges my hip gently but persistently and I drop the pillow, scratching him behind his ears until he’s purring loudly.
As much as I’d like to crawl back into bed and spend the day curled up with my majestic fur-baby, I force myself to finish getting ready for work. Before I leave the condo, I read the text I drafted and redrafted and drafted again last night. Though I deleted his number from my phone years ago, I still remembered the nine digits by heart.
Maddy: Hello Ben. I’ve been informed that you’ve agreed to become one of our Festive Fellowship Ambassadors. We’re thrilled to have you join our team and want to thank you for volunteering your valuable time and energy. I’ll be sending you more information shortly, but in the meantime, if you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to let me know. Sincerely, Madelyn Clairmont, [email protected]
Clear and concise. Professional, but not cold. Friendly, but not too friendly. I hit send and throw my phone into my purse before I can second guess myself.
There. That wasn’t so hard. Okay, maybe it was, but I can do hard things.
As the elevator hums downward, I think about how quiet the new building is. My apartment building in Halifax was older and had as much character as the people who lived there. I’ve nodded at the occasional tenant here when I run into them, but no one has introduced themselves and I’ve never taken the initiative to talk to them.
I lived at home with my mom until I was twenty-five. I probably would have stayed there indefinitely if she hadn’t lovingly encouraged me to seek out my own space. It was hard, at first, living on my own. After we’d lost Dad so suddenly, I’d taken comfort in always knowing where my mom was. It’s not that I was keeping tabs on her, but living with her was like having a security blanket. I didn’t need it, but it made me feel better. Safer. It quieted the fears that she would somehow be ripped away from me like Dad was. Here one day and gone the next.
Eventually, though, I enjoyed having my own space.Okay, maybe it was Cheshire’s space and he was graciously letting me cohabitate with him. Moving in with Derek has definitely been an adjustment for all involved parties. But it will get better, I’m sure. One day, he and Cheshire will stop openly hating each other. Someday, I will see his pile of dirty clothes on the bathroom floor and not want to set them on fire. We all just need more time to acclimate to one another. Right?
I’ve just stepped out onto the sleek marble floors of the lobby when my phone notifies me that I have a text.
Unknown number: Hello Madelyn Clairmont. I have questions and concerns. Can we meet to discuss them? Sincerely, Ben Michaels, [email protected]
I snort so loud that I immediately scan my surroundings to make sure no one is around to hear it. The fact that he signed it with the ridiculous email account he used when we were in high school makes me laugh harder than I have in a long time. How I’d lived for his one-lined messages delivered at random hours of the day. Usually recounting something that happened at practice or simply telling me he was thinking of me.
Still smiling, I type out a quick response.
Maddy: Hello Ben. Of course. We can schedule a meeting if you’d like. Would sometime next week work? Best, Madelyn
The three dots appear immediately and I don’t have to wait long for his response.
Unknown number: Could we meet this week? Today maybe? Regular season games start next week. I can come to you. Please let me know. Better, Ben
I mull over my response as I exit my building and walk to my car. I was always going to have to meet with him. Managing the ambassadors is part of my job and I knew that when I brought/dragged him into this we were going to have to spend time together. We may as well rip the band-aid off and get this first contact out of the way.
I sink into the driver’s seat and grip the wheel, staring straight ahead.
Maybe it’ll be fine. Maybe we’ve both changed enough that the past won’t matter. I can be professional, and this is for the sake of my job. Or maybe this is a mistake waiting to happen—a chance to reopen old wounds that, while inflicted a decade ago, have barely scarred over.
Sighing, I pull out my phone once more.
Maddy: I can make today work. 1:30 p.m. in my office. I’ll send you the address.
