Page 96 of O Goalie Night
Douchebags, if I remember correctly.I say nothing.
“By the time you came home, I’d kind of gotten used to you not being there.”
His words stings, but I understand where he’s coming from.
“And then Gramps was gone so fast. You came home for the funeral and went back right away.”
“I had to.” I was under contract and only had so many days off.
“I know that, I do. But I was seventeen and I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it. I felt really alone. And because I’d always had the two of you, I didn’t know how to handle it. I started getting high every day. It helped keep me numb.”
Memories of how he’d acted back then resurface. How he seemed not to care about anyone or anything. And I’d been too focused on hockey to notice what was really happening.
“Mom getting sick was the final straw. I was so angry. From the time I woke up until I went to sleep at night, this anger just ate away at me. I was angry at everyone, including Mom because she insisted on not telling you. And that just made me resent you even more. You were off playing hockey and being a sixteen-year-old and I was at home in our shitty bungalow, watching her waste away.”
I stare at the table and blink my cloudy eyes. Mom waited until she could no longer work to tell me about her pancreatic cancer. I came home right away and only had a few days left with her before she was moved to Hospice. And then she was gone.
“She told me she’d wanted me to focus on hockey.” My voice is thick with emotion. I try, not for the first time, to understand where my mom was coming from. She must have been so scared and just wanted to protect us. She was always trying to do her best by us, right up to the end.
“She said the same thing to me. It just made me more angry with you. I understand now that it wasn’t your fault, but at the time, I couldn’t see beyond my own pain. I needed an outlet for that anger and you were the only one left. I’m sorry.”
I nod, swallowing hard. I remember that loneliness well, but I had hockey to keep me going. Cody had nothing.
“I’d thought that last time I came to visit you was rock bottom, but things only got worse. I went on week-long binges where I didn’t leave the house, just drank myself into oblivion. I’d manage to sober myself up long enough to find a job, just to wind up losing it a month later andstart the entire process over again. I met Jenna around that time and actually managed to stay on the wagon for half a year. Things were good and I wanted to reach out to you, but I couldn’t work up the nerve. And then she got pregnant with Amelia.”
I’m leaning forward now, hanging on my brother’s every word.
“I wish I could say that becoming a parent made sobriety easier, but I struggled. Suddenly, I was terrified of everything. What if something happened to Jenna and I became the world’s most useless single father? What if something happened to Amelia? Or what if I fucked everything up and I lost them both? When I went back to school, it got worse. I started drinking again, occasionally. At first it was just to take the edge off before bed, but pretty soon I was sneaking whiskey into my morning coffee and staying buzzed all day. It got noticeable and Jenna begged me to get help. And for once, I listened. Started therapy just before Amelia’s third birthday and joined AA at the same time. I haven’t had a drink in more than six years.”
“I’m really happy to hear it, Cody. I just wish you’d have reached out. I would have helped you any way I could have.”
“I know you would have, little brother. But this was something I had to work through on my own. I already felt awful about how I shut you out.”
I nod because his reasoning makes sense.
“Why didn’t you get in touch after you got sober?”
He breathes a heavy sigh. “I wanted to. You’d just signed with the Otters and I didn’t want you to think I had some kind of agenda. The more time that passed, theharder it got, and the less I knew what to say. But I gotta tell you; seeing you on the ice that day, I thought my heart was going to give out. I’ve been watching you on tv and seen pictures online, but it was different. You looked so grown up. And happy.”
I think about how Beth looked as we were skating off the ice that day. Hair mussed, lips swollen from my kisses, and smiling. It’s only been a day since I’ve seen her and I’m already aching to hold her.
Looking up, I catch my brother smirking at me and I feel the blood rush to my cheeks.
“So…you and Amelia’s teacher, eh?”
“Shut up, Cody.”
He laughs loudly. I attempt to glare at him, but I can’t commit.
“My kid loves her. She’s talked about nothing else since she started at the school.”
“Yeah.” I smile, because I can’t think of Beth without becoming a sap. “She’s pretty amazing. I was teaching her to skate for the school field trip.”
“Aww. I can’t believe they had to cancel it. Amelia’s crushed. All the kids are.”
“Yeah, Beth said the same thing.” Even though it was completely out of her control, she said she felt like she was letting the kids down when I talked to her last night. I know there will be other skate days, but I also know that she was really looking forward to this one.
The alarm that I set on my phone starts to chime and I look at it to confirm the time. I feel like I just got here and wish I could stay longer.
