Page 4 of Raise The Bar
Things were fine for the first couple of years. We dated exclusively and I felt so lucky to have him. There wasn’t much common ground between us as our interests were very different. But opposites attract, right?
There were plenty of warning signs that I managed to ignore. We began to fight more and more often over the most trivial things. He asked me to move in with him after two years and I was certain it would make our relationship stronger, but things got progressively worse. My talent for looking on the bright side of things helped me make excuses for his behavior.
He didn’t like me going out with friends.He just misses me when I’m gone.
He discouraged me from expanding my business.He’s looking out for me because he doesn’t want me to get in over my head.
He would interrogate me when I got home about where I’d been and who I’d seen.He loves me so much and wants to know I’m safe.
Before I knew it, our relationship had evolved into one where he monitored everything I did, ate, and said. I held my breath and tried not to upset him.
Looking back on it now, I can’t tell you why I needed to make the relationship work, just that I did.
“I don’t want to talk about Mark right now.” We’d talked about Mark so much already and I don’t really see why it’s necessary to keep hashing things out. It was a toxic relationship and I’ve never once regretted my decision to leave him.
“That’s perfectly fine,” Winnie says, smiling warmly at me. I don’t call her Winnie to her face of course, but in my mind, she’s Winnie and we’re close friends. It makes it easier for me to talk openly to her about anything and everything without fear of judgment. She’s a pleasantly plump woman in her late forties. Her bleached blond curls are frizzy and I suspect she blow drys her hair without a diffuser. She has kind eyes that crinkle when I say something that amuses her and wears glasses that take up half of her face. She always wears comically bright colors that remind me of Miss Frizzle fromTheMagic School Bus. Today, it’s a knitted sweater with a pattern of shockingly pink flamingos, which seems even wilder given the heat on this sunny Thursday in June. Her eyebrows are incredible. I’m talking about the type of eyebrows that women pay a lot of money on microblading for. “Perhaps we could talk about work? Or your mother?”
Definitely work.
“Work is great!” I say brightly, grateful for the subject change. I am one of those fortunate people who really and truly love their job. I wanted to be an esthetician, like my mother, for as long as I could remember. I remember watching her prepare for clients in the small treatment room she operated out of our house. I can’t tell you how many women went into that room radiating stress and tension, and emerged so much happier. Like they were a new person. My mother was magical and I wanted to learn that magic.
I started out small, but word of mouth is the best advertising. One client told a few friends, another raved about me to her yoga class, and before I knew it I had a robust clientele. I’ve met so many amazing women through my business, including Betty. I offer a full list of esthetic services to my clients but I specialize in skin care, especially problem skin. Severe sensitivity, cystic acne, dermatitis - bring them to me! I love taking a rough canvas and transforming it into something beautiful. Problem skin can be very painful for those who suffer from it. I love helping people feel better about the skin they’re in.
“That’s wonderful to hear!” Winnie claps her hands. “Have you given any further consideration to expanding your soap line?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
Because I don’t want to add another item to my list of failures.
I make all the products I use in my spa, with the exception of the waxes. So many of my clients have allergies and using my own products gives me a wider range of control. I can adjust what I’m using based on that client’s skin. There is nothing I love more than whipping up a new batch of soap and experimenting with different natural ingredients. I’m like a kid in my very own potions class.
And people love my products. Clients started wanting to use them at home or give them as gifts. I keep my soaps well stocked at my office, but have been considering starting an online shop for the last several years.
In the beginning, I knew exactly what was holding me back: Mark. But it’s been seven months since I left him and I haven’t so much as Googled how to open an Etsy shop.
“I’ve been so busy.” I avoid looking directly at Winnie, and instead cast my gaze above her where several framed degrees and certifications adorn her wall. “My appointment book has been full for months, and then there’s my sister’s wedding in August.”
“How are you feeling about June’s wedding?”
Ugh. There it is. Why do all therapists have to play dirty like that?How does blank make you feel?I hate that question. Do you know why I hate that question? Because the answer is never simple.
Part of me is brimming with joy about the upcoming wedding. My baby sister, the only sibling I have, met and fell in love with a wonderful man. Colin is everything I’ve dreamed of for June: patient, supportive, and kind. His complete adoration of my sister is obvious to anyone who meets him. He lights up whenever she’s around which in turn just makes her shine brighter.
But there is another part of me that bristles at the thought of the big family affair headed my way. My aunts, who don’t know the meaning of the word subtle, will want to know what happened between Mark and I. Not satisfied by the sparse details my father volunteered, they will want to rehash the entire ordeal with me. My uncles will no doubt take every opportunity to imply that they thought I’d be the one to get married first, seeing as I’m the oldest. And then there’s the bonus quality time with my evil first cousin, April. Okay, maybe she’s not evil, but she’s notnotevil. Her idea of a good time is manipulating everyone in the room to get upset with someone else and then watching the drama unfold like it’s a real-life telenovela. Her mother, my aunt Maria, begged June to include April in the wedding party and she’d agreed to make April a bridesmaid to keep the peace.
While I don’t want to tell Winnie all this, I do need to be honest with her about some things, otherwise why the hell am I here? These sessions are not cheap.
“I have mixed feelings about it,” I answer honestly. “I’m thrilled for my sister, but apprehensive about everything that comes with planning a wedding.”
“That’s completely natural,” Winnie nods. “Weddings are not only a lot of work, but they are very emotionally charged events. Make sure you don’t overextend yourself. Supporting your sister is important, but so is supporting yourself.”
“Absolutely.” I feel validated by her words and sit up a bit taller in my seat. Glancing at the clock on the wall, I see that it is time to wrap up our session. Winnie notices as well.
“I’m pleased to hear that everything is going well. I want to give you some homework for you to work on for our next meeting. First, I want you to do a bit of research into expanding your soap sales.” She sees my apprehension and raises her hands like a trainer trying to calm a spooked horse. “No action needs to be taken right now, but look around online a little just to see what you come up with.”
“Okay,” I smile weakly. “I can do that. And second?” I eye her nervously as she jots something down on a prescription pad. She tears the top sheet off the pad and leans across her desk, passing it to me.
