Page 87 of Empire of Death
“You don’t have to explain,Xivin.”
“Ishouldhave to explain. Because you’re supposed to be jealous and pissed off after watching a previous lover stare at me the way you do. But you encourage me to be with him when you’re gone? The most asshole thing I’ve ever seen you do.”
His eyes remained elsewhere, something he’d never done before. He didn’t say anything either.
“Callum.”
“You aren’t mine,Xivin,” he said in a quiet voice. “This union between our hearts is momentary, and we both know it.” He finally turned back to me. “And I want you to have my blessing, to live your life free of guilt because I want you to be happy.”
“I don’t want him.I want you?—”
“And I want you more than words could ever convey,” he snapped. “I love you, Lily Lena Rothschild.” He’d been relaxing against the armchair a second before, but now his spine was rigid and straight, and he sat slightly forward over the edge of the chair, angry eyes locked on mine. “I don’t sleep, so I don’t dream. But I fantasize about a life with you to fill this endless void of misery. I picture our lives together, husband and wife, you ruling as Queen of the Southern Isles while I serve you, not as your king because you’re fully capable of ruling on your own, but as your queen’s guard. I picture your swollen bellycarrying a son or a daughter I will love with my whole heart.” His eyes instantly watered and momentarily flicked away. “I picture all the children we’d have, hanging on my arms like branches, falling asleep on me in front of the fire after I’ve read them a story.” His eyes moved to the fire, and he went absolutely still, taking a single breath and then holding it for what felt like minutes…like he was doing his best to bottle all the emotion that spilled out. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t give to have that life,Xivin. But my soul is already forfeit, so I have nothing to trade for it.”
I’d been so enraged, I’d thought I could burn this castle down with my flames, but they were immediately doused by the words he shared. Tears sprung to my eyes, while an unbearable heartbreak cracked my chest in two. I didn’t just mourn my own loss, but his as well. “We can still have a life together, Callum. Even if it’s this, a relationship no one can see but us.”
He stared at the fire for a long time, continuing to bring himself back to a state of calm. “I can’t give you children,Xivin.”
“I don’t need children. I need you.”
“I would never rob you of that joy.”
“If I really want them, I can always adopt. There are children at the orphanage who need a home?—”
“You deserve to have children with your husband. To feel your belly grow with life. To hold your child for the first time when they come out of your womb. To experience the most powerful moment of love you’ll ever know…”
“I would much rather have you, Callum. Honestly, I’ve never wanted children. I’ve always been too afraid to tell my parents that.”
He turned away from the fire and looked at me again. His eyes pierced mine as he searched my soul like there were diary entries stored inside. “There’s more to that story.” His eyes flicked back and forth between mine as he continued to silently interrogate me.
It seemed like he could sense my emotions the way I could feel his presence. He just knew when my energy was off. “I never wanted children…until you.”
He took a quick breath, a deep one that made his chest rise.
“Out of nowhere, I picture you holding our baby in the crook of your arm. They feel like flashbacks of memories that never came to pass. I picture a life that I’ve never wanted before.”
He swallowed, his features hardening in emotion once again. “I would never rob you of that life.”
“But I only want it with you. And if we can only have what we have now, that’s enough.”
He looked away again. “You deserve more.”
“I deserve to be with the man I love—and that’s you.”
He closed his eyes briefly, and his fingers brushed over his hard jawline. “You can’t build a life with someone who has already lived and died. You can’t have a lasting relationship with someone who serves demons of the underworld. I’m here now, but I may not always be here.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
He gave a slight shake of his head. “My life isn’t my own,Xivin. I work for a Covenant of demons who own me completely andabsolutely. It’s not possible to share your life with someone who’s owned by someone else.”
“We’ll figure out a way to set you free. My father did it, so why can’t you?”
“It worked once because he had the element of surprise, but it won’t work again.”
“When we heal my father, I know we’ll figure it out. I’m not going to give up on you—on us.”
He looked away again.
“And don’t you dare give up on us either.”
