Page 52 of Only if You Catch Me
Doll swallowed hard and nodded. Maybe God was trying to tell me that I didn’t need kids. Maybe I needed to start listening. Every failed pregnancy Toya thought it was because there something wrong with her. We never once considered that it could be me.
“Guess I don’t have to worry about that mommy makeover,” Doll joked with a sad smile.
I didn’t even know what to say when I should have been an expert in the matter. I’d been through it enough.
“You good?” she questioned.
“I should be asking you that.”
Doll sighed and sat up. “I’m okay, I guess. I was freaking out at first. For all of three days, I’ve been getting excited and now nothing. Funny how fast things can change. I’m glad it happenedso early because if it had happened a month or two from now, I just might be a mess. Maybe it was from me taking the plan B,” she chewed her bottom lip.
“I doubt it. Some things just weren’t meant to be.”
Doll nodded and got up to get dressed. Literally nothing was going right. My mood was becoming worse by the second, and I needed to go home and be away from people. Soon, I wasn’t going to be able to fake it, and I was going to end up snapping. That was something I wanted to avoid at all costs because if I crashed out on the wrong person, it wasn’t going to end well. I had way too much going on.
I stood with Doll as she made her follow up appointment, and I put it on my calendar, so I could accompany her.
“You sure you’re good?” I asked as I walked her out to her car. “You need anything?”
“What if I said I wanted ice cream and cheesecake?”
I chuckled. “Then you can get that. I have to handle some business, but you order it and pig out until your heart is content. I’ll stop by and check on you later.” I pulled money from my pocket and gave her $100.
As I drove home, I felt like I was in some kind of matrix. What else could go wrong? I couldn’t get home fast enough. I had to get to something that would take the edge off before I flipped my shit. I had just pulled into my driveway when the collar of my shirt began to feel like it was choking me. That was the first sign that I was close to spiraling. Walking inside my house, I went straight to the alcohol. Pouring a drink would be faster than rolling a blunt.
I poured a hefty amount of bourbon in a glass and drank half of it in one gulp. The burn in my throat and chest didn’t even bother me as I immediately finished off the rest. Warm alcohol gave me a rush faster than cold alcohol did. The almost full glass of warm liquor indeed gave me a head rush. I poured more thengrabbed a cigar and a jar of weed. By the time I was done rolling the blunt, I felt slightly better, but shit was still messed up.
“Damn,” I hissed out loud as I thought about Ryder. My best friend. The man who knew more about my drug empire than anyone else. The person I trusted information with that no one else knew.
I took another sip before looking around for a lighter. Closing my eyes I pulled from the blunt and held it in my lungs for as long as I could before exhaling. I wasted no time hitting it again and again. Halfway through the blunt my second glass of alcohol was gone, and I was high as shit. Finally, my mind had stopped racing. I stopped thinking about Doll’s pregnancy, or her non pregnancy, Persia, Ryder, or Lox.
After the blunt was gone, I stared at a blank television screen for I don’t know how long before I went to take a shower. I was a man. I couldn’t be weak and emotional. Even though the stress was weighing me down, I still had to go check on Doll later. But in the meantime, I just needed to be by my damn self.
CHAPTER 21
PERSIA
Never in lifehad I dreaded closing day the way I was dreading my current closing. It had been a while since I’d been to Kastian’s firm, but I was walking toward the elevator feeling nauseous. Prayerfully, I wouldn’t see him. The up and down roller coaster that I’d been on regarding Kastian had me dizzy, and I wanted off the ride. I had to really take a hard look at the situation. Kastian had explained to me that he wanted a child, and he didn’t necessarily want the mother. If a woman was carrying his baby, even though he claimed it was an accident, maybe that child wasn’t created out of a night of lovemaking. Just maybe, it was an accident, but since he wanted a child anyway, he didn’t mind.
We weren’t speaking when it occurred, so it would pretty much be no different than a man that got a woman pregnant before a relationship with someone else. If Kastian could assure me that he wasn’t on that type of time with his baby’s mother, I was leaning toward giving us a real try. That was if he was still interested. But I was scared, and I wasn’t even sure what I was afraid of. Kastian made it clear more than once that he wanted me and only me, so what was the problem?
I didn’t even want to ask God for a sign. I wanted Him to straight up tell me yes or no. “Girl, yes!”
I whipped my head to the left and saw a woman laughing with a cell phone to her ear. “I told you it was going to shock you.”
“God, you real funny Big Homie,” I laughed to myself. “Too funny.”
The elevator doors slid open, and I stepped on. If I saw Kastian, I would speak to him. If I didn’t, I was going my black ass back to the office. I was tired of super, heavy emotional things and situations. My mental wanted some real peace and a break from being challenged. The closing went off without a hitch, and I made my way out of the conference room. There he was. My heart slammed into my ribcage as I saw Kastian standing by his office door talking to an Indian guy.
I didn’t know what to do. My stomach did a backflip. Slowly, I inched in their direction, and Kastian’s eyes found mine. I offered a small smile and a head nod.
“Persia, can I speak with you for a moment?” he kept it professional, so I did the same.
“Sure,” I responded in a chipper tone as I smiled and gave a head nod to the gentleman he was speaking with.
They ended their conversation, and I followed Kastian into his office. He closed the door as I took a seat.
“How are you?” he sat on the edge of his desk and peered at me.
