Page 136 of Becoming Us
“Noah?”
Paxton stood by the banister, a cigarette dangling from his fingers. His brow was furrowed—not judging, just…worried. “Are you okay?”
I could blow it off. Pretend.
But my hands were shaking, and my heart was still thudding—not in the good, electric way it had been earlier.
And Paxton would understand.
“No. I’m not,” I admitted.
He crushed the cigarette beneath his shoe and stepped toward me. “What happened?”
“I saw a bunch of people doing lines,” I said. “They offered—I didn’t say yes. But they offered. And I hadn’t seen that in…a long fucking time.” The words tumbled out of me.
His eyes softened, familiar with the weight of it. “Come on. Let’s go sit by the beach.”
He draped an arm across my shoulders and guided me forward. We were nearly to the stairs when I spotted the others.
Atty was the first to notice me. His gaze swept over me fast and sharp, his smile falling. He stood immediately.
“We’ll be right back,” Paxton said, giving a wave with one hand, the other still firm on my back.
I mouthed,I’m okay,and his shoulders eased. Just a little.
We kept walking as the music faded behind us. Paxton had already kicked off his shoes and told me to do the same. Something about the cold sand brushing against our feet, sinking deeper with every step, helped settle the frantic rhythm of my heartbeat.
Eventually, he dropped down onto the sand, and I slumped beside him.
He brushed his palms off on his jeans, eyes fixed on the dark water ahead. “You don’t have to talk about it. But I’m here if you do.”
“I thought that was the point of the walk.”
“No. You just needed space from it,” he said. “I’m not a big talker, either, so just…whatever you’re comfortable with.”
“How do you do it?”
“What?”
“Be around it all the time.”
Paxton sighed. “Honestly? I think it helps. Sort of desensitizes me to it. Don’t get me wrong—I hate how easy it is to get, but being around people drinking doesn’t hit me as hard as it used to. It’s not a shock to my system.”
Like it had just been to mine.
“I haven’t had a craving in ages,” I said. “I thought—” My voice broke.I thought I was past this. I thought that voice had finally died.
Paxton turned his head slightly, watching me from the corner of his eye. “You know this isn’t a linear process, Noah. Cravings happen. That’s why we don’t measure recovery in big chunks. It’s one day at a time. You wanted it—so what? That doesn’t undo everything you’ve worked for. Are things better now?”
“Yeah, but?—”
“No. No buts. Are you happy? Right now, today?”
“Well, not exactly this second…”
He gave me a wan smile. “Don’t deflect. You know what I mean.”
I could still feel the echo of joy from being on that stage. Atty’s eyes on me. The bittersweet throb of my dad in my chest. It had been good.It wasgood.
