Page 210 of Becoming Us
He was looking at me like I was someone worth having.
It slipped through every defense I’d built. All of them—toppled like they were nothing.
But he had no idea what he was asking for. No clue what he was getting himself into.
I’m not what you see.
I had to push him away.
“What?” he asked.
“Sometimes, when you look at me like that, it’s almost like I can hear what you’re thinking.”You can do this, Noah. Don’t be a dick. Be the bigger person.“I need you to stop thinking that, Atty.”
His face fell, and my resolve started to fracture.
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to ruin you,” I said. “I don’t want you to hate me.”
I’m not worth it. Don’t do this. Please, just stay the fuck away from me.
“I could never hate you,” he said quietly, his thumb brushing over mine with unbearable gentleness.
“You could.”
“And you’re not going to ruin me either.”
I nodded, throat tight. “I could. You’re like a fucking angel, Atty. I can’t do this to you. Not to you.”
I couldn’t look at him. I wouldn’t be able to stop if I did.
“I’m not an angel,” he said.
“I need you to stop feeling what you’re feeling. We’re supposed to be friends,” I tried again, weaker this time.
His grasp tightened in mine. “Wearefriends. I can’t promise to stop feeling what I’m feeling, but I’m not going to ask for more if you don’t want me to. I want to be here for you—and if this is how you want it, then that’s fine by me.”
If I didn’t want him to? Was he fucking kidding?
I had never wanted anything more in my entire life. I wanted this more than I wanted to breathe.
“I’ll take what I can from you,” he said, and it shattered me.
Why? Why would you want me? What are you seeing? Please tell me what it is so I can change—so I can turn into whatever it is that you want from me. I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, if you’ll keep looking at me like that.
Don’t do it.
He doesn’t deserve this.
“It’s really okay, I promise,” he whispered.
I broke. One look into his eyes and I was done.
Just one taste. One second where I let myself believe this is real. Then I’ll pull back, tell him I don’t feel the same, watch him leave—and then I can finally do it.
Otherwise, I’ll be gone without ever knowing what love feels like.
I let go of his hand. In one breath, I climbed into his lap, knees braced on either side of him, staring down into his wide, startled eyes.
