Page 207 of Becoming Us
No more classes.
No more training—because I’m pretty sure they notify your coach when you’re no longer enrolled.
And goodbye, Atty.
So much for being better. For fixing things.
She’s right.
It’s me. It’s always been me.
That’s why no one can stand me.
A waste of fucking space.
What’s the point?
Just take the fucking pills and be done with it already, you fucking coward.
He’s never going to love you. No one is.
I crouched on the floor, arms wrapped tight around my knees, face pressed into them.
I wished I could disappear.
His face swam into view. The golden specks in his eyes and the way his lips curved when he smiled.
That’s not yours. It’s never going to be yours. You don’t get a happy ending. You don’t get a happily ever after. This is it. This is what you get.
I reached for my wallet, pulled out the bag, and stared at it. Loathing rose in my throat, hot and sharp.
It’s your fault. You did this to me. You fucking ruined my life.
I stood, walked to the nearest trash can, dumped it and turned away.
Five steps. That’s how far I got.
People are coming over. How are you going to handle that with no help? You’ll be your usual charming self—Mr. Crying-All-the-Fucking-Time-and-Feeling-Sorry-for-Himself? Sounds like a fun fucking party.
I don’t need it.
And your looks? Those’ll slip away. One extra meal at a time, you’ll stop looking like you. Then no one will want you—not even for an easy fuck.
I don’t need it.
Who’s going to keep you numb? Who’s going to shut your head up when it won’t stop spinning?
My hands trembled, fists clenching and unclenching as my brain spiraled.
It was just one more party. I’d quit after tonight.
I turned back and walked to the trash, rummaging through it. I couldn’t find it. Panic surged through me as I started pulling things out frantically. Cold sweat gathered at the back of my neck. One bag. Then another. A couple of soda cans. Nothing.
You can call Anthony. Don’t be an idiot.
Then I saw it. Relief surged through my body, a powerful wave breaking through the fear. I placed it back into my wallet with trembling fingers and slid it into my pocket.
There. Done.
