Page 144 of When We Ignite
He nodded. “Me getting fucked. That wasn’t supposed to happen,” he clarified.
I started to understand.
Ethan had me fooled. He wasn’t coming to terms with the bend of his sexuality. He was terrified, even as he wanted me. His sudden shift into willingness and enthusiasm had swept me away, but now I saw it for what it was: a mask.
“Are you upset about enjoying it?”
After a beat, he nodded.
That was at least a small relief. “Ethan, if you’re not ready for this, I understand.”
“You want this,” he said quickly, his voice almost defensive. “If we don’t, then you don’t have a reason to stay.”
“I’d still want you close to me for a while longer,” I admitted, tightening my hold on him.
“Until we stop, and you’re done,” he countered, his voice flat. “What would you even do with me if I refused to have sex?”
“Kiss you. Make you come, just like I’ve been doing, without having sex.”
He shook his head. “But this is what you want.”
“Yes,” I admitted, “but I’ve told you before, I want you to want it too. I want you to enjoy it with me. If you’re not ready, then we won’t do it.”
Ethan let out a shaky breath, his voice soft. “How am I supposed to face this after you’re gone?”
“I won’t disappear from your life completely. I can still help you. As a friend,” I offered.
“Kissing you makes everything better,” he whispered.
A small smile tugged at my lips.
“We wouldn’t be able to do that anymore. Just stare at each other,” he added, almost to himself.
I bit the inside of my lip, knowing I should set firm boundaries, but I couldn’t bring myself to draw that line.
“What if we don’t take kissing off the table right away?” I suggested against my better judgment.
Ethan pulled back to look at me, his eyes searching. “Are you serious?”
“Yes,” I said, nodding. “Transitional kissing. Then we’ll set another date to stop that too. Just no more sex or sleepovers.”
“And we’ll just be friends who kiss?” he asked, skeptical.
“Yeah. Like, right now, we’re friends who fuck around,” I said with a soft smile.
“Not really,” he murmured, resting his head on my shoulder. “Is that what you see me as? Your friend?”
I sighed, leaning my head back against the wall. “Not just my friend, no.”
“Do you like me?”
“You know I like you,” I countered.
“Yeah, but do you havenon-sex-related feelings for me?”
“Ethan—”
He shifted closer, unrelenting. “I know this is supposed to be just about sex. I know that. But it’s hard to do this without it getting to me,” he said, his voice cracking slightly.
