Page 66 of The Calendar of New Beginnings
“No,” he said, holding up his hand. “Let me finish here. If you interrupt, I won’t be able…to…hell…get this out.”
Her hands suddenly felt odd and unsure against her body, so she clutched them together, which didn’t feel any less weird. Everything was weird, and she’d never felt more adrift from him or their usual easygoing rapport.
“I’m scared to hear it,” she admitted.
He heaved out a breath. “And I’m scared to say it. Trust me, you don’t know how much. Would you…please sit down? You look like you’re going to run out of the room the moment I say something wrong.”
She felt a little rabbity, she realized, but if he was brave enough to say his piece, she could muster the courage to listen. Sinking into a chair, she faced him.
“Thanks,” he said, rocking his chair in place. “Lucy…even though I’ve tried like hell to ignore it, there have been moments where I’ve…oh crap, I can’t believe I’m about to say this… I find you attractive. You were right to pick up on my moments of weirdness, and I know this is the last thing we both wanted, but I can’t deny the way I feel. My subconscious finally overrode my conscious will?—”
“You’re going to go all Freud on me?” she asked, her mouth dropping open.
“I was thinking more Carl Jung,” he said, his ears changing color now.
“Like that makes it so much better,” she said, shocked to realize she was hurt. “I thought…”
He scooted his chair closer, and she felt caged in. “You thought what?”
“That you decided to kiss me because you wanted to—even if it was a snatch and grab—and you left right after.”
His head lowered. “I don’t know what to say. I’m so happy you’re back, but I’m scared to ruin our friendship. I’m afraid I already have, and just when you need a friend. I’m not proud of myself and my timing, okay? I feel like I threw a grenade into an already burning building today.”
“Only an idiot does that,” she said in a no-nonsense tone. “Not a trained soldier for sure.”
“So my analogy sucks,” he said, rocking the chair again as he looked at her. “What do you want me to do? I did want to kiss you, and I’m sorry for the timingand even sorrier that I didn’t ask you. Lucy…pleasetell me we’re still friends.”
The hoarseness of his voice put tears in her eyes. She laid her hands over his on top of the chair. “We’realwaysfriends—even if you did kiss me because of some subconscious mumbo jumbo. Now would you please turn your chair around and sit in it like a normal person? I feel like I’m hearing the confession of someone on death row.”
He let go of her hands, stood, and turned the chair around. “Ifeellike someone facing death row. I thought this might end our friendship.”
“I wouldn’t let it,” she said, shaking her head, feeling her throat tighten. “Andy Hale, you are the best friend I’ve ever had, and I’m not going to let something like a quick kiss ruin that.”
He pursed his lips, considering. “What if it hadn’t been a fast kiss?” He paused. “Lucy, that subconscious impulse forced me to realize the truth.”
The hair on the back of her neck stood up. “What’s that?”
He shoved out of his chair and paced. “I came over here, hoping we could talk ourselves past this, but it grabbed me again when I saw you standing there in the doorway. You’re beautiful and so…freaking dear to me.”
Her heart was slowly coming out from its hiding place.
“Lucy, I still want to kiss you.”
Whoa.There it was. When he said it like that, the secret place between her thighs clenched. “If we’re being honest…oh sweet mother.” She was going to do it. She was going to tell him.
“What?” he pressed, his frantic energy tangible.
“I might want to kiss you too,” she whispered. “I’ve never…shit…I don’t want you to think I’ve been pining for youall these years. Yes, there were some moments in high school, but I never once felt anything romantic for you when you were married to Kim. I need you to know that, Andy.”
“I never thought you did.” He swallowed thickly, sitting back down and taking her hands in his. “I didn’t either.”
A heavy silence hung in the room. With every word they uttered, they were changing the fabric of their friendship, and she was scared what the tapestry would look like when she took a step back to see the full display.
“I also don’t want you to think I only kissed you because you were vulnerable,” he told her, tracing her skin with his thumbs.
“I never thought that,” she said with a reluctant laugh. “If you kissed everyone who looked vulnerable, you’d be known around town as that kissing doctor.”
“Leave it to you to make a joke,” he said, snorting softly.
