Page 47 of The Calendar of New Beginnings
As soon as Lucy arrived, she’d been led to the empty family room, which now featured a makeshift bar stocked with enough alcohol to intoxicate all the citizens of Dare Valley.
Ellen’s infamous cosmopolitans shone bright-pink in her crystal punch bowl. Lucy’s grandmother’s sterling silver ladle was sticking out—a reminder of why her mother hadhelped orchestrate this calendar. An array of beers lay nestled in a bed of ice in a red barrel. And there was an assortment of wine, whiskey, and bourbon, which made Lucy wonder if the female volunteers were hardcore grain alcohol drinkers or if there were more males in the group than she’d expected.
It was an uncomfortable situation, made more so by the element of surprise. Had her mother somehow corralled one of her grade school teachers into posing? How mortifying. She forced her features to take on a blank slate as the first woman sashayed into the family room.
“I’m Miss January,” Deidre Gadlons said, posing like a woman who had always hoped to be inPlayboy.“I’m hoping we can rig up special sparklers around these beauties.”
A cheer erupted from the kitchen, where her mother had parked the waiting volunteers. When Deidre gestured to the breasts underneath a fake-fur vest shot with silver thread, Lucy’s good eye twitched.
“I might be nearing fifty, but men around town have been hoping to see me naked for decades,” she continued. “Fortunately my Eddie decided he wouldn’t get bent out of shape because this is for such a good cause. He’s usually the jealous type.”
The poor woman. “Good to see you again, Mrs. Gadlons. You’re looking as great as ever.”
“I know. It’s been years since I’ve seen you, Lucy, but please call me Deidre.”
Her mother popped out from behind the kitchen doorway, scaring the bejesus out of Lucy. “Might be best if you call everyone by their first names. After all, you’ll be on an intimate basis with all of us.”
She held her tongue about her new idea for The Calendar of New Beginnings, wanting to listen to the volunteers’thoughts first. So far, the sparkler comment wasn’t exactly encouraging.
“Next,” her mother called, and in strolled the only male volunteer Lucy knew about.
“I’m Mr. February,” Dr. Jeff said, flipping open the gray suit jacket he’d worn over designer jeans. “Like Deidre, I have a feeling all of the women in Dare Valley have wanted to see me naked.”
The women hooted from the kitchen, and Dr. Jeff executed the splits like John Travolta onSaturday Night Fever.
Oh, God. Did every volunteer have some secret fantasy posing for this calendar would help them fulfill? “Are you hoping for a hot dog as a prop?”
More people guffawed, and Dr. Jeff looked down at his crotch. “Depends on the kind. It would need to be a kielbasa or a frankfurter. I’ll leave that to you.” The hoots continued as he headed to the bar.
The next woman entered. “I’m Miss March. You know me better as Linda Feathers, from your mother’s bridge club.”
And her cosmo-drinking comrade in all the pictures her mother sent her overseas. “Hello, Linda.”
She tucked her head like she was suddenly shy. “I was thinking… Well…”
“Spit it out, honey!” her mother shouted. “We’re all in this together. There’s no shame.”
“Well, my idea is to cover my lovelies with white feathers…since that’s my last name. I found some beautiful feather fans at an online vintage shop. I think they’d be captivating as well as concealing. My husband, Harold, doesn’t want anything really good to show.”
The husband factor wasn’t something Lucy had considered,probably because her dad wasn’t concerned about her mother posing in her unmentionables. She’d pretty much showed it all during her breastfeeding fair and afternoon hot tub sessions.
“Thank you for sharing, Linda,” she said, annoyed to hear the primness in her voice. “Next!”
April Hale stepped forward and gave her a wide smile. “Miss April, obviously. Lucy, we’ve discussed the cantaloupes.”
“They’re out of season,” someone shouted from the other room, causing a ripple of hilarity to start again.
“That’s what I said,” her mother interjected from the doorway. “We might need to use bowling balls for April’s tits.”
“Mother!” Lucy cried.
Snickering could be heard amidst the laughter.
“Oh, lighten up, Lucy Lu,” her mother said, rolling her eyes. “What are you planning to do? Pretend we don’t have parts?”
Nice one, Mother.“Thank you, April. Next.”
A sweet old lady stepped forward, wearing a yellow knit dress and sensible flats. She seemed vaguely familiar, but Lucy couldn’t remember her name.
