Page 119 of Never the Bride
Maybe there’s nothing to be scared of after all.
Camila
“This is supposedto be our last marriage counseling appointment. I’m confused why you asked me to come here alone.” The couch feels too big without Hess sitting beside me, his knee brushing mine, his hand resting on my thigh.
Abby leans forward, her notebook balanced on her lap. “I thought it was only fair. I met with Hess alone two months ago when you got stuck at work. Now it’s your turn.”
I nod slowly, though the knot in my stomach tightens. The session feels heavier without Hess here to share the load.
“So, tell me how things have been going.”
“Well, I lost my job.” Seeing the surprise on her face, I decide to clarify. “I quit. It was my choice.”
“Can you tell me about why you quit?”
“Um…” I wring my hands in my lap. “I don’t know. I just didn’t like the way my job made me feel anymore. It just felt negative all the time and like it was ruling my life.”
“That’s good that you recognized that and drew a boundary. And are you still okay with that decision?”
“I think so, but I’ve been so busy with my sister’s wedding the last few weeks, who knows for sure if I regret it. I guess time will tell.”
“And what about you and Hess? How have things been between the two of you?”
“Good.” The word slips out clipped, generic. “Serious, I guess.”
“That’s vague. Can you give me more?”
I shift in my seat, twisting my fingers together. “Hess told me last week that he loves me.”
Abby doesn’t react, just waits until it’s clear I’m not offering anything more. “And what did you say back?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing because you feel nothing? Or nothing because you were scared to admit your feelings out loud?”
Heat rises in my chest. “I don’t know.”
“Do you love him, Camila?”
“I think so, but do I even knowhowto love someone?” I wait for her next question, but nothing comes. My heart pounds and pounds until I finally say, “I love a lot of things about him. I feel so taken care of by him. He makes me feel beautiful, special, and valued. Whenever I’m with him, I forget all the reasons love and marriage aren’t for me. He makes me want things I thought I hated.”
“But?” Abby prompts gently.
“But when I’m away from him, the old Camila creeps in.”
“Tell me about the old Camila.”
“Well, she thinks marriage is a failed institution. She’s never had a serious, long-lasting relationship. Instead, she gets sick of men and ends up running. So even if Hess is everything good and wonderful, what if I’m not? What if the old Camila is really,truly who I am? What if I’m not built for marriage? What if I can’t make him happy?”
Abby’s expression softens. “I always tell my clients not to make life decisions based on fear—fear of failing, fear of not living up to our potential, fear of what the outcome might be.”
“Is it fear that I’m feeling, or am I actually being realistic? I’ve just been living in this marriage bubble for almost six months. It’s not real life. It’s too good to be true. Hess is too good to be true. I mean, we’ve never even had a fight.”
“Yes, you did, in this office. You argued about whether to tell your sister about the marriage when she was coming over for dessert. And from my perspective, I saw two people communicate and work through their disagreement with respect. That’s what I look for as a counselor. And you and Hess did it beautifully.”
I blink at her, caught off guard. “So what, because we had one minor disagreement and worked through it, you think we should stay married?”
“That’s not for me to decide. Only you know the feelings in your heart and the demons in your mind. But I will say this: the way your marriage began may not have been conventional, but what I’ve seen between the two of you is more than good faith. Your marriage is real. The only question is whether you’re brave enough to believe it and take that risk.”
