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“Have I ever made you feel second best?”
“No, but you're not seeing this clearly. If I stay with you, I'm just slipping into her shoes. None of it would be real. I would be living the life she was supposed to have, playing the part of Kristen. And in the back of my mind, I’ll always wonder if you wished she was still here instead of me.”
Tyler stands, coming toward me. “How can you say that? Where are you even getting this?”
“I’ve heard how you talk about her. How everyone does. Kristen was incredible, and I don’t measure up.”
“Meg, you’re incredible too.”
I fold my arms across my chest. “Not like her.”
Even as I say the words, I know I’m being petty and ridiculous, but I can’t stop myself.
“You know how it is when someone dies. You put them on a pedestal. Kristen was amazing, and I loved her with all my heart, but she wasn’t perfect. We had our problems.”
“Tyler, it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to compete with her memory.”
“I’m not asking you to.”
“But I will be anyway.” I shake my head. “I can’t be Krew’s Anna Mae.”
“Is Anna Mae really that bad? There are people out there who don’t even have one loving mother. You get two.”
“She’s not my mother.”
He tilts his head. “You know what I mean.”
I roll my shoulders back, fighting the tears that I’d hoped were all dried out. “You’re just like my dad. So reckless. Full of optimism. Blinded by love so much that you can’t see the obvious red flags.”
“Being like your dad is the best compliment anyone has ever given me. I want to be just like him. Unafraid of jumping into love as many times as I can. It’s not reckless, Meg. It’s fearless.”
“Then I’m full of fear.” I shrug. “Fear that I’ll never compare to Kristen, fear that I’m losing control, fear that I’ll lose my job, fear that everything in my life is changing, and with each change, I lose my mom more.” I shake my head. “I’m sorry, Tyler, but this isn’t going to work.”
He rubs his forehead in frustration. I hate that I am breaking his heart, but I see no way around this situation.
“You know, I’m not the first person to lose a spouse. People die, and the people they left behind move on with life because they have to. Everyone else in the world seems to understand this. People get married again, after death, after divorce, and nobody compares them.”
“I’m not everyone else.”
I wish I was like everyone else. I wish I could get over all my insecurities about Kristen and Anna Mae and just let myself be happy. But I can’t.
“Listen,” he walks to the door, “we don’t have to solve any of this tonight. When you’re ready to talk, you know where to find me. I’m here for you.”
I watch him leave, knowing that a few days won’t make even a little bit of difference.
CHAPTER38
MEG
The next morning, I walk into Diane Carter’s office before school.
“Diane, do you have a minute? There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
She glances up from her computer screen and looks at me. “Sure. Take a seat.”
“I prefer to stand.”
“Very well.” She sits back in her seat. “I’m listening.”
