Page 51 of The Rejected King
Frustration piled up inside Emree, and her words came out clipped with irritation. “What don’t you believe?”
“It’s not possible. He wouldn’t really put her in front ofeverythingelse. I’m sure he had responsibilities, passions. He had to work and provide. Those things have to come first.”
Emree stood, her anger finally boiling over. “I should’ve known you would say that.”
Portlend’s brows creased. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
She folded her arms, shaking her head as she looked out the window. Did she really want to have this conversation now? Maybe it was for the best if she just walked away.
“Why are you so mad?” he pressed.
Her eyes bounced to him. “Portlend, do you love me?”
He shrugged. “Yeah.”
“Would you put me before everything else? Like, if I wanted you to quit the king’s guard and move home so we could get married and have a family, would you do it? If that’s what I really wanted?” It was the question that had been on the tip of her tongue for the last two years. He’d told her he loved her, but Emree wanted more than words. She wanted actions.
He shook his head, standing. “That’s ridiculous.”
“Why is that ridiculous? If you love me and that’s what I really wanted, then why is that ridiculous?”
“Because it is.” His voice raised. “I’m not going to quit what I’ve worked hard for just because you want me to.”
“And I shouldn’t have to wait around untilyoudecide it's the right timing. Am I supposed to wait ten to fifteen more years until you decide you want me?”
Portlend put his hands on his hips. His head dropped as he laughed to himself. “I can’t believe we’re having this conversation again.”
Emree’s eyes filled with tears. “I can’t either.”
“Why do you want to get married so bad?” he asked.
“I don’t want to get married.” A single tear dropped. “I just want you towantto be with me. Is that so wrong?”
Determination crossed his eyes, and instantly Emree recognized that look. “Right now, I want to focus on my training. I’ve already told you that.”
Sadness slowly rolled through Emree’s heart. She felt detached, almost nebulous, like she wasn’t really presentinthe conversation, but watching it from above. Every relationship-defining moment she’d had with Portlend over the last few years played across her mind. From this new vantage point, she could see the blaring themes flash out like pre-Desolation neon signs.
Portlend would never put her first the way she wanted him to.
Emree had always known this in the back of her mind, but she’d convinced herself that her wants were selfish. Why did she even need him to put her first? He was a good, hardworking man. She should be happy with the level of love and commitment he was capable of. But now, everything seemed clear.
Maybe she’d read too many fairy tales and gotten lost in too many happy endings, but either way, that was what she wanted in life. She wanted to be wholly adored andwanted.In return, she would give the same back to whoever loved her. It wouldn’t be about asking the man she loved to prove his love. She would already know because their love would be more than words. There wouldn’t be a feeling of selfishness; everything would switch toselflessness.
Another tear dripped down her cheek. “I don’t think you can give me what I want.”
Portlend shook his head. “I don’t think so, either.”
Emree’s shoulders slumped. There was a part of her heart that wished he hadn’t given in so easily, a part that wished he would have grabbed her by the shoulders and fought to keep her, that she saw something in his eyes that said he was dying a little inside at the prospect of losing her. But there was nothing there. It was further confirmation of what Emree needed to do.
“I think...” She looked down, summoning the courage for her next words. “I think it’s time we give up on this idea that we’re going to be together.” What she really meant was that it was time forherto give up on the idea because it seemed like Portlend had given up long ago. “We want different things.”
Portlend nodded.
He pulled her into one last hug. Her tears wet his shirt.
In one conversation, she had lost her best friend, her boyfriend, and her future. She hadn’t come to Portlend’s room prepared for any of it. The loss left a massive hole in her heart, a hole she was sure no one else could fill...no one but the unattainable king.
22
