Page 63 of Vivacity
‘That’s a perfect analogy. So how about every time you meet a new part, you can politely ask them to take a seat around the table in the boardroom. How does that sound?’
That sounds like utter bullshit, but I choose not to share that with this kind, earnest man who clearly believes what he’s saying. ‘Okay.’
Philip cocks his head. ‘Please know that you can say anything in here, and I won’t judge. This is a safe space for all your parts to share. Is there anyone in there who has something they want to say?’
Me.Ihave something I want to say. I twist my mouth before answering. ‘It sounds… extremely far-fetched. Ridiculous, actually.’
He nods. ‘I hear that. Your parts are making themselves heard. So it sounds like you have a part who’s feelingjudgmental, or sceptical, perhaps? Is that fair? Feel free to close your eyes if it helps you.’
I let my eyes drift closed, mainly so I don’t have to look at Philip’s kind, patient gaze. ‘Let’s see. Um. I just find the idea of… sitting around some imaginary boardroom table with various mini versions of me to be…’Unhinged.‘Ridiculous,’ I repeat.
‘Yeah. And that’s absolutely acceptable. I get that. This is all very new. Also, if I may.’ He clears his throat, and I open my eyes. ‘Our parts have been running the show for many, many years, often very efficiently. Of course there will be parts who don’t want to be exposed or questioned. That’s perfectly natural. How do you feel about asking this sceptical part to take a seat at the table for now? Is that something you’re comfortable with? Remember, you can close your eyes.’
I nod and let my eyes drift closed again, attempting to hold myself together. I feel on edge, unmoored. I grip the wrist of one hand with the other and imagine Sceptical Ethan walking away from me and angrily pulling out a chair at the main boardroom table in our offices. He flops down, unimpressed. I can feel the intolerance coming off him in waves.
‘Okay,’ I tell Philip. ‘I’m—er—he’s sitting down.’
‘Good. That’s really excellent. Why don’t you thank him in your head for being willing to take a seat and give your other parts some space?’
I do so, awkwardly, and he rolls his eyes at me and crosses his arms.Let’s see where this gets us, jackass.
‘Is there anything else he wants to say?’
I knit my brows together as I focus. ‘He has his arms crossed. He’s not very happy. But… no, I don’t think so.’
‘That’s fine. He’s allowed to be unhappy, and he’s allowed to be sceptical. Can you see him clearly? Can you see what age he is?’
I focus inwardly again. To my surprise, he seems quite a lot younger than me. ‘Oh. That’s odd. Late twenties, maybe? Thirty?’
‘I see, and does he know who you are? Does he understand that there’s a forty-one-year-old version of you who’s older and wiser and who’s capable of managing challenges like this without him needing to overburden himself on your behalf?’
I frown. I can see him. But I don’t feel any connection to him. ‘No. Don’t think so.’
‘No problem. If he’s okay to sit there for now, let’s see who else has something to say. Is there anyone else we should hear from?’
I cast my mind away from that pissed-off version of me and draw a blank. There’s only grey matter in my mind, nothing clear. I feel a cold wave of panic wash over me at the prospect that I may not be able to deliver what Philip wants from me in this moment. I excel at everything I do. I’m absolutely not going to fail at this, even though I have no idea what he wants to hear. Maybe I can make something up—but my mind is still a giant grey cloud of nothingness.
I don’t like this. Philip is running the show here, and I can’t take the lead as I usually would.
‘No—nothing, I?—’
‘Are you okay?’ he asks gently, and I open my eyes.
‘I don’t know what to tell you,’ I snap, my fingers twisting harder around my wrist. ‘I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.’
Honestly, I just want to get up and walk out of here. This is excruciating.
He glances down at my hands in my lap. ‘That’s more than okay. This is very new, and you’re doing great. Often, our parts won’t want to speak up. They don’t want a light shone on them, because they don’t think it’s safe. As we’ve just discerned, they don’t know whoyouare yet. They don’t know that they haveaccess to this amazing adult who can protect them, so it makes sense that they want to stay quiet. None of this is a problem. As we get to know each other and your parts better, you’ll discover that sometimes they’ll be shouting over each other to have their say, but sometimes we’ll need to work backwards and access them through something that’s been bothering you in your daily life.’
‘Okay.’ I nod and blow out a decidedly shuddery breath.
‘May I ask you something?’ His tone is even more gentle, and I nod again.
‘Is it fair to say that this inability to produce the answer you think I want is causing you a spot of anxiety or worry?’
God, he’s perceptive. It’s borderline freaky.
‘Possibly,’ I hedge.
