Page 61 of Vivacity
‘It’s okay. And they’re not bad people. They’re wonderful. That was the world they operated in—when you were that rich, you didn’t let your kids cramp your style. But the reason I’m telling you is that there’s still an eleven- or twelve-year-old girl inside me calling a lot of the shots, because she remembers how awful it felt to be abandoned. And she has a lot of very fierce protectors who still struggle to accept that I’m an actual adult who can handle myself.’
‘What do you mean, protectors?’
‘Well, other parts who don’t want her to feel alone again. There’s my party animal part—I call her Elizabeth Taylor—and her MO is to be so fabulous and sparkling and entertaining that no one will ever want to leave her again.’
He gives me a tender smile. ‘She does a great job.’
My eyes are prickling with unshed tears. I clear my throat. ‘And, let’s see, there’s the jet-setter, the one who doesn’t want to put down roots so that she can always be the one to leave before anyone else gets a chance to leave her. That’s why I always need to have holidays booked and lots of social events in the diary. And, of course, there’s Miss Hyper-Independent. If I can take care of myself, I’ll never need anyone to look after me anyway. Those are the main ones.’
In fact, those three protectors run my show so comprehensively that they shape my Enneagram type, just as Athena’s Doer part relentlessly shapes hers.
‘Jesus, you’re self-aware. So this is why you do a job where you travel a lot and you’re answerable to no one, really?’
That makes me laugh. ‘Look at you! You get it! And yeah, I am self-aware, and it’s taken a lot of work. But here’s the thing. When I feel unsafe, or my nervous system is out of whack, these protectors kick in. They start booking holidays and shunning help and going to loads of parties to basically dissociate. And now that I know them so well, I can spot what they’re doing a mile off. So when I notice any of those things happening, I stop and ask those parts what they need to feel safe, becauseIknow it’s definitely not another night out. The key is not to try to shut them out. Their fear is genuine, even if it’s irrational, and we can’t ignore it. We have to offer to listen to them.
‘Often, these parts just want to feel seen and heard. They’re workingsohard to protect us all the time, and it’s exhausting, but usually their protection is what’s holding us back. Because no one could expect a five-year-old, or an eleven-year-old, to run the show and do it properly. They’re kids. That shouldn’t be their job.’
He blows out a breath. ‘I get what you’re saying. But honestly, I’m not sure all thatinner childstuff is for me. It makes me cringe.’
‘I totally get that,’ I say quickly. ‘And I’m not a fan of that fluffy language either. Look, this may not be the stuff I studied in my degree, but it’s rooted in sound psychological principles. If you want it in adult terms, it’s about your nervous system’s threat detection system. It’s decades out of date, which is why our adult brains get hijacked and our executive function goes out the window. You’re basically running outdated operating software, and IFS helps you to update it.’ I pause and sneak inmy bespoke-to-Ethan mic drop moment. ‘It’s about taking back control within your system.’Take that, you gorgeous Eight.
He nods, and it’s a good nod. I think it’s ayou’ve given me some food for thoughtnod. ‘It still sounds pretty painful.’
I laugh. ‘It can be. But it’s also beautiful and very, very effective. It’s unbelievable, actually. I still cry in every single session.’
‘Oh, Jesus. But I think you’re incredible. I don’t know many people who’d be willing to look at themselves that closely.’
‘Thank you,’ I whisper. This compliment from this man hits hard.
‘So who’s this therapist then, anyway?’
He’s getting there. I inwardly punch the air. ‘Philip. He’s my IFS therapist, too.’
‘Wait—you have two therapists?’
‘Yeah, and I speak to them both every week, because this shit is important. It’s the most important thing I do, and doing this work on myself allows me to control the lens through which I see absolutely everything in my life. Because if I can stop my nervous system from being hijacked by old software left, right, and centre, I can feel safe and well and abundant, and that’s… everything.’
‘I admire that. I really do.’ He slides a hand around my waist and tugs me closer towards him. The heat of his body is, in fact, giving my nervous system all sorts of warm, snuggly safety cues. ‘But what’s to say I won’t run for the hills as soon as he starts probing?’
‘Mainly that I plan to stand outside the door with a taser,’ I tell him. ‘But also because he’s a really good guy. Very thoughtful, cerebral—he has a PhD in something to do with Game Theory as well as a clinical qualification—but also very compassionate. He’s an under-reactor. The opposite of me, basically.’
He sighs. ‘And this is the only way I get you to myself.’
‘To yourself andbare.How about that?’
He rolls me onto my back and buries his face in the crook of my neck, settling his delicious weight between my legs. ‘I suppose that’s a pretty compelling carrot.’
CHAPTER 28
Ethan
Much as it pains me to admit it to myself, the man representing Sophia’s appointed therapist for me sounds like the real deal.
On paper, at least.
Dr Philip Hicks has a doctorate in Behavioural Economics from LSE and apparently used to advise the Bank of England on decision-making psychology while also acting as a consultant to what feels like every top-tier investment bank and management consultancy firm in the City on why smart people make predictably irrational choices.
Hethenwent back to school to complete a doctorate in Clinical Psychology before later doing his IFS training.
