Page 117 of Vivacity
I am self-aware enough to know that I’m a nosy bitch. So when my boyfriend’s ex-wife offers me an opportunity to chat, then you can bet I’m going to bite her hand off with indecent haste. Also, she saw the boys last week, and I’ll be pathetically grateful for any additional scraps of information she can give me about how they’re getting on.
‘Definitely!’ I force myself to push my chair in a calm, ladylike manner. ‘Everything’s under control here. And my awful boss is away, so he’ll never know I’m slacking.’
She smiles awkwardly at that. I give her a double kiss at the doorway and we head out to a local coffee shop. First thing in the morning, it’s insane, but it’s quietened down by now.
‘So, how was your trip?’ I ask her once we’re sitting with our coffees. She has a light tan and a smattering of freckles over her nose. The teeny part of me that isn’t disgustingly in love with her ex-husband would love to have seen them together. No wonder Jamie is such a good-looking kid. She really is naturally, ethereally beautiful. Ethan told me that her mother is French. It explains the effortless chic she has going on.
‘It was wonderful. Do you have everything you need?’ She looks worriedly around the table. ‘Sugar? Is this dark enough? I can go up and ask them if they have any other types.’
I smile reassuringly at her. ‘I have everything I need. I promise.’
‘Okay. If you’re sure. Here.’ She slides the bowl of light Demerara towards me and watches intently as I add half a teaspoon to my black coffee. The truth is that I’d have loved something darker—maybe muscovado—but my inner pop psychologist is already honing its initial analysis of Elena as Two Enneagram from that first time I met her, and I’m not about to take advantage of the fact that she’d absolutely go up to the counter and make them ransack their sugar stocks for me. She may have a Three wing—you don’t get to be a translator for the UN without having major drive—but I’d bet that at her core she’s a Two.
The Helper.
What must it be like to wake up every day with a deeply entrenched need to help others and be married to Ethan Kingsley Version 1.0?
Very fucking ungratifying, that’s what.
‘So the trip was great,’ I prompt her, and she blinks.
‘Oh! Yes, it was fantastic. The boys were on excellent form. That’s why I wanted to buy you a coffee, actually. They were both so well, and I just…’ She presses a hand to her heart. ‘I just couldn’t believe how relaxed Ethan seemed, and they were soeasywith each other. I know you’ve been the one to persuade him to start therapy, and I can’t thank you enough.’ Her brown eyes fill with tears, and she shakes her head, frustrated. ‘I didn’t see us ever getting to this place when I walked out on him. I really didn’t.’
‘Oh my gosh.’ I reach out and put my hand over hers. She strikes me as quite shy, but she’s incredibly sweet, and my heart is bleeding for her. ‘Honestly, I can’t take any credit. I may have strong-armed him into therapy’—using techniques I’ll never tell you about—‘but the work has all been Ethan’s. He’s really, reallyintent on seeing this through, and you should know that his whole motivation comes from wanting to be a better dad to Jamie.’ I squeeze her hand one last time and sit back.
‘I wanted to talk to you about that. He explained what he’s been doing with the therapist, and it sounds really powerful, but… I suppose I’m trying to get a sense for how much of this astounding transformation has come from him just getting away from Richard and the company and all that, and how much is—permanent. I can’t help but worry that when he gets back to London, this chilled-out version of him will fade away again.’
I consider my response carefully, because it’s a fair question. ‘I think most of us would be a far more relaxed version of ourselves if we were surfing rather than navigating London traffic every day, and you’ve seen him far more recently than I have, but what’s different for Ethan is that he now understands what’s going on in his nervous system. He understands why he gets angry or controlling or walled up, and that gives him a fighting chance at working on those parts of him that are calling the shots.
‘Previously, he was totally oblivious, from what I saw. And yeah, he’ll come back to London, but he’s cut ties with his dad and he’s walked away from the company. Those are major, major steps towards finding his own path. If anything, I’d expect him to double down on his progress when he’s back rather than go backwards.’
‘Perhaps.’ She takes a dainty sip of her coffee. ‘I hope you’re right. I’m very aware that…’ She clears her throat. ‘When I left Ethan, neither of us were in a good place, and my only priority was Jamie. Ethan was just so toxic. I begged him to go to therapy, but he wouldn’t hear of it. He’d go through these cycles of lashing out at everyone around him, and then hating himself for it, and then withdrawing so much that it was as if there wasno one at home. It was awful, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to help him.’
‘It sounds so difficult,’ I murmur. ‘I can’t even imagine.’
She shrugs in an elegantly French way. ‘I was all out of options. I had to get Jamie away from Ethan and his fucking father. But I’ve neverwantedto keep him away—I just thought it was the safest thing for his wellbeing. And Ethan seemed happy with that solution, too. Not happy, per se, but he seemed to think Jamie was better off without him, too, which broke my heart. So I pushed for custody, and he didn’t fight me. But now… I wonder if I should reconsider. I’ve never seen our custody agreement as a power struggle or an act of spite. And if they truly end up having a relationship that’s healthy and beneficial for Jamie, then it would be wrong to preserve that ruling.’
My heart starts to beat faster. Harder. ‘You’d consider joint custody?’
‘If.’ Her voice is firm. ‘If they come back and Jamie wants to see more of his dad, then I wouldn’t stop him in any case. Besides, he won’t be working all hours like he used to. It would make sense.’
Now it’s me who’s in danger of crying. ‘I think that would be a very beautiful thing to do for your sonandyour ex-husband,’ I say quietly, ‘and I would be amazed if it didn’t prove a huge success.’
She nods. Her eyes are still bright with unshed tears. ‘I only want what’s best for my son. He’s amazing. And, of course, a close, loving relationship with his dad is the best thing for him.’
I give her a huge smile and raise my coffee cup in a salute. ‘No arguments here.’
‘So.’ She cocks her head and considers me. ‘You and Ethan—you’re serious?’
‘Yes.’ It feels weird as fuck to sit across from his ex and admit that. ‘Very.’
‘And you didn’t mind him taking Jamie away for so long?’
‘If you could make the sacrifice, so could I. And if you must know, it’s the swooniest thing I’ve ever seen. How could I not fall in love with him a little bit more when he said he was chucking in everything, me included, to show up for his son?’
She laughs a little, but then her expression grows serious. ‘It was a wonderful decision. And, if you know Ethan as well as I do, a very shocking one. I have to say’—she stares out of the window for a beat—‘that seeing them like this together was bittersweet for me. I’ll be honest with you. I loved him very much, and when I married him, I saw glimpses of that man. Glimpses. But that’s all they were. I could never—unlock them, I suppose. I could never unlockhim. And it felt like such a waste, as if this amazing man was frozen inside this huge block of ice for years and years, and I had no way of melting it and helping him to escape. And I was so frustrated and soangrywith him for so long, but at the same time, it would break my heart.’
I stare at her. What a stunning—and devastating—analogy. ‘I’m so bloody sorry. It’s tragic for all of you. I’m so sorry he didn’t have the tools he needed back then, that none of you did. And I’m even more sorry that he couldn’t be what you needed him to be. It’s not his fault, and it’s definitely not yours, but it’s still shitty, and you’re allowed to mourn it.’
