Page 74 of Vivacity
‘I see. So you realised your anger didn’t serve you and that this kind of armouring up was the way forward?’
‘Something like that, yes.’
‘And you had exactly this reaction when Sophia inadvertently triggered a much younger hurt part.’
‘Yeah.’ I shift uncomfortably in my seat.
He blows out a breath. ‘Well, first of all, what an incredible bodyguard you’ve created for yourself. How spectacularly effective. He’s essentially weaponised emotional withholding to the extreme. I wonder if you can take a moment to reflect on just what a wonderful job this protector part has done of ensuring that no one is allowed to hurt your younger parts, over all these years, and tell him how grateful you are? I mean, in many ways he’s magnificent. If you see fit and you feel that gratitude in your heart, take the time to thank him for his service.’
My entire life, I’ve been made to feel like my tendency to withdraw, to control, has been one gigantic character flaw.Control freak. Ice cold.My ex-wife, who, alongside my son and my previous EAs, has borne the brunt of my emotional coldness, used to weep and rail.You freeze people out. It’s like living with a robot. You punish people for caring about you.And, honestly, I can’t blame her in the slightest. She was right. I did punish people for caring about me. For daring to get too close.
But this is the first time in my life that anyone has suggested that this ice king-slash-bodyguard is in any way positive. Beneficial.Necessary.
And that may be one of the most beautiful gifts a fellow human has ever given me.
I drop my head, shoulders sagging, entire body softening, curving inwards.Thank you, I say to myself.Thank you for keeping me safe. Thank you for saving me from him.
‘The thing is,’ Philip says gently when I’ve finished my internal prayer of gratitude and met his eyes once more, ‘that we can now start to release this part from a lifetime of extreme service so he’s free to choose a role he actually wants to do. Maybe he becomes your most brilliant, dispassionate strategist or your clearest-headed leader.
‘If we help him to understand that you’re safe now, then he can lay down his arms and stand beside you rather than in front of you. Because your adult self is whole and strong and worthy of connection, and shields don’t foster connection. They prevent it. How does that sound?’
I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time.
Hopeful that I can change.
Hopeful that I can free myself from whatever fortress I’ve erected around myself.
I nod my agreement. ‘Yeah. It sounds great, actually.’
‘I’m glad. You’ve worked through a lot today, Ethan. And here's what I want you to sit with this week. Your ice king learnt that emotional withholding gives you power. But every time he does his job—every time he withdraws, punishes, controls—he's teaching someone else that love isn't safe. He's creating the very wound in others that he was designed to protect in you. So perhaps, this week, it’s he whom you keep close.’
His words don’t just land.
They detonate.
I’m sure he means to speak in generalisations, but I can only think of one thing.
Jamie.
Oh, God.
Jamie.
CHAPTER 33
Sophia
Across the broad stretch of the bar in the Austen ballroom at the Montague Knightsbridge, I spot Ethan.
We’re firmly in enemy territory here in this vast, beautiful room. No matter that the seraphim often congregate in the Montague bar for drinks—when we’re not playing in our new Alchemy sandbox, that is. Tonight, I’m here as part of the Kingsley Hotels delegation, and I can’t help but feel like a Trojan horse. Or maybe Switzerland is a better metaphor.
There’s nothing to be done about it, of course. It would be unthinkable for the Kingsleys not to show tonight for the prestigious Golden Keys awards. The Golden Keys are the last word in luxury British hospitality, and taking a table is a prerequisite for every major player in the industry.
Taking a golden key home is the ultimate endgame, but everyone pretends that they’re merely here to network. To support. Ethan has explained the politics to me at length.
For this year’s awards to be located at the Montagues’ beautiful Knightsbridge flagship smarts, just as the open secret that Charles Montague and not his old frenemy Richard Kingsley is receiving this year’s Lifetime Achievement Award tonight must smart.
Still, in my view, Ethan and Richard and their team can afford to hold their head high. Their hostile takeover is very much in motion, Montague Hotels’ top five shareholders have declared themselves in favour of the deal if the price is right, and, much as it saddens me, the poor Montagues have egg on their faces. I wouldn’t admit as much to Ethan, but I’m glad they’re the ones to host tonight’s awards. I’m glad Miles and Theo’s dad is going out in a blaze of glory, that he’s being lauded by his peers for what I know has been an exemplary career, his staggering achievements matched only by his consistent reputation for integrity.
