Page 70 of Vivacity
She tosses her head, her smile turning coquettish. ‘Well, my name literally meanswisdom, but like, a higher state of spiritual wisdom.’
I groan, but I’m smiling too. ‘Fuck’s sake. Of course it does. So all this regulating stuff you’re talking about—I assume that includes fucking you senseless? Because that totally sorted me out.’
She laughs and lowers herself down so she’s lying in the crook of my arm again, her long, elegant fingers brushing over the hair on my chest. ‘Sex can definitely be regulating, but that just then sure as fuck wasn’t. That was numbing of the highest order.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, when we feel vulnerable or unsafe or dysregulated, we have two choices: regulate our nervous system, or numb it. That, my friend, was the sexual equivalent of bingeing a triplecheeseburger. You can eat your feelings, or you can ejaculate them.’
I laugh and nudge her. ‘That’s ridiculous. That was positively medicinal.’
‘It wasn’t medicine, it was anaesthetic. And it’s not ridiculous. You were majorly in your sympathetic nervous system when you came in—anxious, twitchy—and I don’t blame you in the slightest. And when you’re activated like that, you can choose to find a way to work that stress out of your body, or you can numb: sex, alcohol, gambling, shopping.Working. Whatever. The difference is that you’re trying to make the pain go away instead of dealing with it.’
‘Fuck that. So sex can’t be regulating?’
‘It can beveryregulating, when it’s intimate. That was a quick, dirty fuck. When you use someone else to help you feel safe and secure, that’s called co-regulating. That’s what we’re doing right now.’
‘What are we doing?’
‘Cuddling. Skin-on-skin.’ I attempt to pull away, because I do not cuddle, but she wraps an arm around me like a koala. ‘No. Don’t do that. Allow yourself to just enjoy it for a few minutes. It’s good for you, and you deserve it.’
I exhale deeply and reciprocate, banding my arm more tightly around her. I still maintain that that fuck was precisely the medicine I needed and the reason my equilibrium is restored, but this is… nice, too. Relaxing.
‘You know a lot about this stuff,’ I tell her. ‘You’re good at it.’
She rubs her forehead against my chest. ‘If you must know, this is what I want to do eventually.’
‘Seriously? What—therapy?’
‘Yeah. IFS therapy. You can become a practitioner, or, like a coach, directly through the IFS Institute, but I’d like to go back to uni at some point and get licensed as a psychologist first. Ihonestly believe IFS is the way I want to go, but I want to have all the clinical basics in place first, you know?’
I don’t know why I’m stunned. Like I said, she’s good at this. And no matter how well-paid or intellectually rigorous this role is, there’s no doubt she’s overqualified to be anyone’s EA. The woman is a trailblazer with a devastatingly sharp mind. Of course she doesn’t want to fuck men like me for money forever.
Still, panic rears its head swiftly, harshly, and I instinctively withdraw my arm, tugging it out from beneath her body and scooting back across the bed, putting distance between us. I’m right back to being that little boy again, just for a moment—the one who can’t depend on anyone to give him what he needs. Not permanently, anyway.
I want to support her. I really do. She should have everything she wants. She should follow her purpose and be lit up by it. But, for some reason, all I can hear is the screaming in my ears that she’d leave me.
‘Nice of you to inform your boss of your professional plans.’ Even to my own ears, my voice sounds flat and strangled and harsh. Honestly, if I was her I’d kick me in the shin for behaving like such a dick.
But she doesn’t.
She hoists herself up onto one elbow and cocks her head, surveying me. And then she reaches for me, wrapping a soft hand around my neck.
‘Hey. It’s okay. Note my use of the wordeventually.This isn’t imminent in any way.’
I lie here and stare at her, stony-faced. I’ll be damned if I’ll let her see the slightest crack in my facade.
She strokes her hand along the ridge of my shoulder and down my arm. ‘That reaction is a part,’ she says softly. ‘Because I know you, Ethan, and you don’t like it when people fail your tests. Or maybe you do like it, because then they’ve proven youright by bailing on you. I’m telling you again, I’m not going anywhere. That’s a long-term plan. I’m only thirty, for Pete’s sake, and I love this job.’ She strokes over my pec, and my jaw works. ‘I’m not leaving. I’m simply sharing what I’d like to do long-term, because we were having a moment of connection, and you paid me a lovely compliment, and I thought I’d reciprocate by sharing a confidence with you. That’s all this is. Okay?’
Those dark eyes of hers are soft. She has no problem at all looking me in the eye. She hasn’t thrown a hissy fit, or gone all defensive on me, or flounced out of bed. She’s here and, much as I hate to admit it, everything she’s saying is eminently sensible.
I nod, shame coursing through me at the hateful way I just reacted. Fuck, she’s got my number. And maybe she’s right about the parts stuff, because I can’t deny I feel conflicted, and I know that, deep down, the man I am is as happy for her as he is excited to see what she’ll achieve in this field. ‘Yeah. Of course. Sorry—I’m so sorry. You’re right.’
‘No need to apologise.’ She closes the chasm I’ve created between us and puts her arms around me again. ‘Like I said, that was a protective part flaring up—one of your bodyguards. They do a great job of keeping you safe. And it’s so much easier once you know what it is.
‘Because you took the first step today to building an open line of communication with these guys, and once you have that, you can build trust. And once you have trust, they’ll start to understand that it’s safe to lay down their weapons. That you’ve got them. Andthat, my handsome friend, is when the real magic happens.’
Fuck, she’s incredible. She’s like a soothsayer.Sophia, she of ancient wisdom.I can feel the power that lies within her as if it were a tangible thing. I lay a hand on her back, revelling in thesensation of being chest to chest with her, of our hearts beating together, and clear my throat.
