Page 104 of Vivacity
He hands me a teacup. ‘So, what couldn’t wait until New Year?’
Fuck knows where I should start. But Miles is known for being a straight shooter, and I owe it to him not to waste his time. I blow out a breath.
‘It’s been a tricky few days. I’ve had a bit of a crisis with Jamie, and it’s been a real wake-up call. It’s been a long time coming, really.’
He glances up from adding his milk, a flicker of interest in his eyes. ‘The crisis, or the wake-up call? And I’m sorry to hear that.’
‘Thanks. And both, I suppose. I’ve been harbouring suspicions for quite some time that I’m not on the right path. I suppose you don’t want to hear that.’
He makes a scoffing sound, and I force myself to continue. I had this all planned out in the car, but it’s proving harder than I thought to get it out.
‘Bottom line is, I have a lot of issues with my father, which we touched on briefly at the Golden Keys. I’ve been more and more unhappy about working my arse off to continue his legacy, which is essentially building an empire in ways I don’t wholeheartedly approve of.’
I risk a glance at him, because he won’t relish hearing about my delayed crisis of conscience. He sits back, expression inscrutable.
‘Go on.’
‘While I’ve been letting Dad fuck me up the arse, I’ve also been really struggling with Jamie. Things are bad, but Soph’s got me into therapy, and it’s—it’s really helping. But not enough, because I was a shitty father to Jamie on Christmas Day. I blew up at him for something stupid, and he stole my Tesla and tried to drive to his mum’s.’ My voice cracks a little, and I clear my throat.
Miles’ eyebrows wing up. ‘Fucking hell.’
‘Yeah. I got to him in time, thank fuck, but it was a big wake-up call.’ I gesticulate with the hand not holding my teacup. ‘Thetruth is, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but I do know that my loyalty needs to be to my son and not my father. Full stop. Starting now.’
‘I can’t disagree with any of that.’
‘I need to put in some proper work with Jamie. Get away with him. I’m turning into my dad, basically, and it terrifies me. I can’t keep perpetuating this cycle of narcissism, like you said.’
His voice is soft when he speaks. ‘I never said you were a narcissist, mate. On the contrary. But if your dad is, then you owe him diddly squat.’
I nod. ‘It’s a complex issue, obviously. I haven’t been in therapy for long, but I’m beginning to realise that he has a very unhealthy hold over me. It must seem from where you’re sitting that I’m crazy to have any loyalty to him at all, but it’s not that easy. He’s—he’s used a lot of nasty tactics to keep me in line—I’m talking carrotsandsticks—and I’m only starting to understand just how well they’ve worked.’
Miles puts his cup down and leans forward, elbows on his knees and fingers steepled. ‘That’s the thing with narcissists. They can be very bloody clever, and they really fucking weaponise their love—or your perception of their love, at least. Because, of course, the plot twist is that the love doesn’t actually exist. It’s all a mirage, a projection on our parts.’
I study him. ‘Did your ex-wife do that?’
‘Like a fucking Olympian. But I’m not that smart. I didn’t work any of this out until she walked and showed me and Bea her true colours.’
‘That’s rough. I can’t even imagine.’
His smile is tight. ‘Yeah. But it’s hard to have perspective when it’s someone you love. You think that’s what love is, at least. I also choose to believe that it says we’re fundamentally decent, trusting people who judge others by our standards. I don’t know. It fucks with your head, that’s for sure.’
‘Yeah.’
‘I’d be happy to share my encyclopaedic findings on the subject another time. I practically have a PhD in it. Let’s see. They make you feel unworthy of their love. You know, the love that doesn’t actually exist. Their blowing hot and cold creates so much emotional chaos that you start being a total control freak in every other part of your life, just to give yourself the semblance of control.’
I stare at him. ‘Jesus.’
He laughs without humour. ‘Yeah. Of course, it would have been worse for you. I was a grown man who showed precisely zero judgement of character. Allegra totally sucked me in. But you were just a kid. I reckon Richard could really fuck someone up if he chose to.’
I sit there, frozen. This is an odd conversation to be having with my long-time nemesis, a man who hates my guts right now. Perhaps he’s just avoiding his noisy in-laws and cranky toddlers, but I’m staggered he’s being this open with me. This generous, when he has no reason to be.
‘Something like that. And when I behave like a dick to Jamie, I’m acting the exact same way as he did to me.’
He grimaces. ‘Like I said, that’s rough, but you’re clearly not a narcissist. So your reasons for doing that will be different, and that’s for you to work out with your therapist. But you were saying. About choosing him over your dad.’ He takes a bite of his shortbread finger, watching me as he chews.
‘I want out,’ I say flatly.
Fucking hell.
