Page 36 of Any Girl But You
“Yep, I will.” I pull onto the highway. “Thanks?—”
“And I’m really calling to see how everything went last night.”
I knew it. My mom’s sparkle in her voice is too bright. She wants to get me married and give her more grandkids ASAP, and when Josie and I broke up, she was almost as hurt as I was.
But I don’t know how to explain it. Comfortable, warm, perfect, and the best kiss I think I’ve ever had in my life. But I’m not going to tell that to my mom, who will absolutely plant mistletoe all around the barn and force me and Quinn to stand under it.
But does Quinn have feelings? Yes, she reached in and kissed me. But she’s also just like that. She told me that, more than once, and I believe her. Kissing me doesn’t mean she has feelings for me. From how she describes it, she hasn’t ever had feelings. It would be pretty egotistical of me to think I hold some mystical power and could flip someone like Quinn into the relationship type. “What? So sorry, you’re breaking up.”
“I can hear you just fine,” my mom says with a laugh. “Okay, okay. I’ll back off and spare you the whole ‘you’re not getting any younger’ speech. But what I will tell you is that you are brilliant, and amazing, and deserve so much happiness. And ever since you and Quinn met, I’ve noticed some extra sprinkles on your cookies. I just want to see you happy.”
A wave of emotion hits me. “Did you just use a cookie analogy? Sprinkles on my cookies?”
“It sounded better than ‘spring in your step,’” she says. “Okay,fine. I’ll stop meddling. If I don’t hear from you, I’ll see you tomorrow at ten.”
I click off the phone, and as I drive into the property, I grin at a few of the wooden signs Quinn and I worked on this week that are lining the pathway to the barn:Anyone seen Rudolph?,Santa’s open for business, andMerry and bright right this way.
I roll to a stop and glance out the window. Quinn’s hauling hay from a pile and adding it to the back of a trailer. She’s wearing overalls and a flannel, with her hair plopped on top of her head. She might even be cuter than she was last night, which is hard to beat. She tugs her work gloves and waves at me.
“Your signs look great,” I say as I get out of the car.
“Oh, good. Thanks. Do you think they’re spaced out enough? I want to add one more, maybe the ‘ho ho ho’ one or the ‘Santa’s workshop this way’ one, but also don’t want to use up all the good signs and not have any once people park.”
Last night Quinn’s lips were on me, and today we’re back to normal, as if she didn’t completely rock my world. And before anyone says anything, yes, I know. She’s following my lead.
I freaked out, okay? Completely and utterly freaked out and didn’t know what to say at the time because the kiss was so dang good, and Quinn is just so pretty, and she makes me laugh, and I wanted to ask her to come into my place, and…
So yes, I panicked but wanted to show Quinn I wasn’t panicking, that I can handle something casual. Which I know, I can’t. But I’m not losing my friendship with her, so I will match her casualness, toe to toe.
Maybe this is good. We can ignore what happened. I’ll just chalk last night up to a life experience and replay the feeling of her mouth on mine when I need a little pick-me-up. “I think theplacement is just fine,” I say, “but maybe only one more and save the rest for outside?”
“Cool.” She hops off the trailer and moves toward the other side of the barn. And something is so very wrong. I can tell.
Ugh. How do people have casual hookups? I think I’m envious. Do they not have these twists and turns in their gut, feel like someone is stealing the air from their lungs, not think about the person afterward?
“Getting the hayride set up, I see?” Such a dumb question. But what I want to say, I can’t.
“Yep. I want to do a sign like ‘Caution: owned and operated by the elves. Cannot be held responsible.’ Something that’s funny, but also if a kid falls off the back and breaks an arm, I won’t be sued.” She swipes rogue hay strips off her overalls.
“That’s smart. I think that sign should cover it.” I can’t help it. My gaze falls to her mouth, and I want to do it again. I want to rush into her arms and tell her how scared I am, but she unlocked a piece of me, and I’m ready to explore. I bite on the corner of my lip. The kiss from last night lingers in the air like wet smoke, and I can’t breathe.
“I had so much fun last night,” I finally say. “I didn’t realize how much I needed a night out. It was…perfect. Everything was perfect.” There. I said as much as I can say, laid down as much as I can possibly lay down, and hold my breath for her reaction.
Quinn digs her boots into a rock before she takes a deep breath and looks at me. “I am so sorry about last night. The kiss and everything. Like, holy shit, that is not me.” She stuffs her hands in her pockets and balances on her heels. “Actually, itisme. My MO, and it really wasn’t cool to do to you.”
Wait, what? “I don’t know what you mean. I’m not mad that it happened. I just… I’m in a weird place with everything…” I tug on the corner of my lip. This isso hard. Yes, I have feelings for Quinn, but also, I’m terrified. The ghost of my past relationshipis still there, hovering. And I haven’t had this sinking sensation that’s so wonderful and scary in so many years.
Quinn flops on the stack of hay and tugs on a straw. She doesn’t speak for so long that I think the conversation is over. Through the ray of light beaming through the trees, she squints at me with a flash of regret.
Regret.Oh no. Regret is not good.
“I’m so grateful for our friendship, Zoey,” she starts, bowing a strand of straw in her fingers. “Everything you’ve done out here this month and the time we’ve spent together means so much to me. I haven’t told you this, but I’ve never had a friend before. Like a real one. I know that sounds pretty pathetic, but it’s true. Not like this, not like what I have with you. And I’m scared I royally screwed it up.” She crisscrosses her legs. “If I somehow gave you the wrong impression last night, will you please just forgive me? I wasn’t thinking and I really acted out in the moment. I wouldn’t want to do anything that would hurt us.”
Everything Quinn is saying is kind, and I’m hearing her, but the back of my eyes sting, hot with unshed tears. “Why, um.” I swallow, heat filling my cheeks. “Why do you think it would hurt us?” This is me, putting myself out there as much as I can. Dipping my toes into barely frozen water, checking to see how much the ice will crack and splinter around me.
Maybe we can take a chance. Maybe this is something that could work. But if it doesn’t, then this friendship, which means a lot to me, is ruined. But I cannot do one-night stands. Intimacy and sex are as intertwined as the roots on the cedar tree I’m staring at, and I need to be in sync like this with someone I sleep with.
Quinn pops her elbows on her knees and leans her chin into her fists. “Zoey, you are, like, too good for this world. And…I’m not. I’ve grown a lot this last year, but I’m not there yet. And this isn’t about my job or other things. This isme, who I amas a person with relationships, with everything.” Quinn’s exhale is long and shaky. “I have sex, you know? I fuck and that’s it. That’s all it ever is. And I’m so sorry, that probably sounds crude to you, but I need you to know who I am, so none of this, us, is romanticized, okay? I really, really care about you too much to let my need to get laid mess with what we have building here.”
