Page 45 of Any Girl But You
I saw Zoey’s call and text message but couldn’t answer. This is something that can’t be done over the phone, and I have zero willpower. If I picked up, I’d unleash all this pent-up emotion and stumble over my words like a snowball rolling down a rocky hill. This conversation needs to happen in person, where I can see Zoey’s face. I need to read the way her eyes flicker and if she chews on the corner of her lip or twists and tugs on her fingers. Or if her mouth curves up in that playful way that I love, or if she is blushing. Or…if sadness and regret fill her eyes that she has to turn me down.
There is no room for miscommunication, not for something as serious as this. I need to assure Zoey if she’s not interested, I’ll still be friends. The relationship we have is so valuable and unique, that I won’t give it up, no matter what. But I also need to be honest with her and tell her I don’t know what this looks like. It’s scary and I don’t want to run, but I’m scared that something will spook me, and Iwillrun. Right now, I want to fuse myself with her, but will I always feel like this? This need, this longing, reaches parts of my untouched soul. I need her to be patient and to believe in me, and to hold me when I’m scared and to let me hold her when she’s scared. I want to make her breakfast and feed her strawberries and watch old movies and kiss her mouth and run my fingers through her hair and… So yeah. I can’t answer her call.
I kick at a small rock, and it flings against the side of the building. When I pivot, my breath halts. Zoey’s at the edge of the alley, wrapped in a long brown peacoat. A cascade of chestnut waves flow down the sides of her shoulders, a soft green knitted beanie rests on her head, and she pulls a mitted hand to cover her mouth. Even from a hundred feet away, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her more beautiful.
Now or never. Zoey moves towards me with slow, curious steps, the faint sound of her boots on pavement echoing in the quiet alley.I can’t believe I’m actually doing this. The streetlamps and alley lights flicker, casting a warm glow in the night sky, and the snowflakes glisten in the light. Butterflies squirm in my belly, wanting to take flight. I swallow. With the slightest shake in my finger, I tap play on my iPhone and cup my hand around the speaker to amplify. The song bursts out, and I hold the phone high above my head.
Zoey’s footsteps grow quicker and a wide smile spreads. My heart thumps in my ears, steady and quick. The music echoes against the brick walls, her heels click against the pavement. A few steps in and her curious walk morphs into a determined, intentional speed walk.Be brave, be brave. Do not chicken out now.I just need to tell her how I feel and that she deserves happiness.
And so do I.
My heart settles.So do I. And Zoey makes me happy.
Her hair bounces with every step, her cheeks pink from the winter air, and God…she’s just so beautiful. She radiates a warmth that I crave, that I’ve been searching for without knowing what I was missing. Zoey is the one I want to be with, the one that makes me think that miracles are possible. She’s the one who saw my wall, took a hammer to it, and elbowed her way into my heart.
As she approaches with foggy glasses and a wide smile, she cocks her head at my phone. “Are you Cusacking me?”
I slowly lower the phone.
“With a Chappell Roan song?” she asks.
“It’s a lot of pressure!” I smile and tap stop, cutting the music. “I didn’t quite realize how iconic that movie scene was, or how perfect that song was for the moment, and I panicked. Had no idea what to choose.”
Zoey removes her fogged glasses and gives them a wipe. When she slides her glasses back up her nose, she lifts a brow. “‘Pink Pony Club’ is…an interesting choice.”
“YouloveChappell Roan.” I shove the phone into my pocket. “I debated between this and Nirvana’s ‘Heart-Shaped Box’ because that sounded romantic, but then I googled what the lyrics meant and…well, it wasn’t quite the vibe I was going for.”
Zoey’s mouth twists and she studies my face.Reallystudies it, to the point where the chill I felt before this moment swaps, and I’m dangerously close to overheating.
“So, this is not about trying to make good on your anchovies bet?” she asks, her voice more timid than I’ve heard before. “You’re trying to be…romantic?”
Yes.Tryingbeing the operative word here.Failingis probably a better word. For someone known for being chatty, I’m currently forgetting all my words. Christ, this is so scary. My mouth is dry, and I’m about two seconds away from sticking my tongue out to catch some of the soft fluttering snowflakes to replenish some moisture.
“Romantic? Did I say that? Where did that word come from?” My voice is unnaturally high and skittery, and I cringe at the sound.
Zoey tilts her head, rightfully so.
“I’m sorry. God, what is wrong with me?” Why am I being so weird? My thoughts are all over the place. I have so many things I need to say, but none of them are taking the shape I want. I suck in a sharp, cool inhale. “Did Josie want to get back together?” I pull my lips into my mouth and hold my breath waiting for the answer.
Zoey tugs the top of her jacket a little tighter. “Yes, she did.”
My snow-covered world and Christmas-miracle dreams crumble.Please say you didn’t say yes. Please say you’re not thinking about it. I want to shake Zoey by the shoulders. MaybeJosie is a perfectly lovely human, but I want to be with Zoey.I want to be with Zoey. My lips tremble.
Run. Run away now. Save yourself and potential heartache.
“Are you okay?” Zoey takes a step toward me and lays a mitten-covered hand on my arm.
I blink off the snowflakes from my lashes. “Please don’t get back together with Josie. I mean, not unless you want to, but oh my God, I hope you don’t want to. I just… I feel like I have so much stuff to tell you. How you make me feel, and that I think about you so much, likeso muchthat I wonder if I’m obsessed, and I want to be like you. Your kindness rubs off on me, and makes me want to be nicer to people, and I promise you I’m actually not that nice, so this is a huge deal.”
The words are an avalanche, roaring from me, tumbling, and I can’t stop. Everything in me bubbles to the surface. The time pressure of Zoey slipping through my fingers, that I might be too late, weighs on my chest.
My chin quivers, but I power on. “And you are just so inspiring. Do you know that, Zoey? You inspire me to be a better person. No matter what, promise me right now that if I say what I’m going to say, and you think differently, we will stay friends. Because I want you in my life, okay? In any way you’ll have me…”
The rambling is embarrassing, not at all how I wanted this to go, but my thoughts are scattering like pine needles in a tornado, and I cannot grasp on to any single one with even a sliver of coherency. Zoey’s quiet, still, her cheeks rosy, but her smile… Her smile’s soft and comforting.
“Would you ever take a chance on something else?” We’re outside, but there’s still not enough air to get this all out. My pulse pounds in my head, rings in my ears. “Would you take a chance on me, you, us?”
“Yes.”
