Page 5 of Enchantment of Silver and Sea
I shoved it right back down.
“Fucking typical,” I mumbled to myself, forcing a breath out through my nose.
I could tolerate having an Enforcer as a friend. I’d had no choice but to desensitize myself to Zander and his work assignment back when he first started taking an interest in me. But that was the key—desensitization. One reminder of something that didn’t quite fit the mold of my usual, Maila-approved ruminations…a thought that slid under the mental armor I’d built at just the right angle that I couldn’t defend against it…and the panic was right there. More than eager for the opportunity to tear me to shreds.
I set all the books aside and stared out at the courtyard again. As I tried to regain control of my own brain, I felt the urge tostretch. No, not just to stretch. To take a lap around the sixth floor, to get some of that anxious energy out. Weaving through aisle after aisle of books and allowing myself to imagine that I was the only one in the entire Library, the only one in the world even, was something that often helped me to clear my head.
But I stayed glued to my chair, watching people strolling through the gardens below.
The Knowledge Center was created to preserve the knowledge of humankind. The Council felt it was crucial for us to protect what our ancestors had worked so tirelessly to compile over millennia, encouraging all of us not to lose hope in the fate of the world. One day, they assured us, we would return to life as it once was, and humankind would continue making scientific, technological, and artistic advancements that would carry us into a future that was beyond imagination. Brielle always said that she felt the weight of that responsibility every time she stepped into the kitchen in the Culinary Preservation department. I suppose I typically felt it, too. But as I wrangled my panic into submission for the second time that day, what I felt more than anything was deeply tired.
Tired of dread. Tired of memories. Tired of everything.
Tired of it all.
I continued to stare out the window until the occasional person meandering through the gardens became several people, then pairs walking together, then groups with reusable bags and containers in hand. It was nearly lunchtime.
I forced myself to stretch my arms and legs, willing the dull soreness from sitting in the same position too long to dissipate.I wondered if Brielle and Zander were already out on the deck off the Knowledge Center kitchen, waiting on me. If I didn’t arrive soon, Brielle would come looking for me.
I reluctantly vacated my spot in the armchair, steeling myself to face the world again.
Later that night, I savored the feeling of my cotton sheets against my skin, grateful to be in bed. In spite of the nightmares, my bed was still my other safe place. On nights when the nightmares stayed away, sleep was my escape.
I curled up on my side, pulling the sheets and comforter partway over my face and snuggling deeper into my pillow. Through the glass door to the balcony, I watched from under drooping eyelids as the lights from candles and lanterns began to blink out in the city below, its inhabitants climbing into their beds for the night as well.
My mind drifted back to lunch with Brielle and Zander.
On top of our assigned lunch from Culinary Preservation, we had snacked on more of Brielle’s banana bread, earning us some jealous glances from the people sitting around us. Brielle’s navy blue Culinary Preservation department apron was, as always, the only thing that deterred them from questioning us.
It was ironic, really, that Brielle’s work assignment seemed to afford her that respect. Even if I’d had a uniform that signaled my role in the Library—and therefore, my unrestricted access to some of the most crucial information for keeping our cityafloat—something told me I’d still be treated like an outcast and loner.
After Brielle, my thoughts moved to Zander. Having just finished a morning patrol of the city, his skin was coated in a glistening layer of sweat. His hair, perfectly styled at the start of the day, was slightly mussed. And his face, already tan from time spent outdoors, had a fresh pink glow to it. In between bites of sandwich and conversation with Brielle, he had noticed me noticing all of this.
He had looked at me then with an intensity that made me set down my own sandwich. Not hungry anymore.
Now lying in bed, with that memory replaying in my mind, I could feel heat flooding me again. I let out an exasperated sigh and flipped onto my back, flinging my arms over my face as though they could protect me from my own thoughts.
It was always at night, wasn’t it? When the loneliness would creep in and start screwing with my thoughts.
A soft thud sounded nearby, yanking me out of my own head so fast that I could almost feel the physical sensation of whiplash.
I sat up. My heart was still racing, but for an entirely different reason.
On the other side of the glass door, there was a dark shape.
A person.
A roaring erupted in my ears.
A person. There was a person on my balcony.
Adrenaline and fear exploded through me at the same time. I needed to leap out of bed, to run, to grab something to use as a weapon, to call for help. I could fight the person, or run fromthem, or bargain with them, or…was there even anything in my apartment that they would want? It could only be me, right?
I heard the lock click. I should have been more surprised that it was being unlocked from the outside. But that was the kind of luck I had, wasn’t it?
The figure stepped into the room. I sat in my bed, frozen with terror. My lungs were too tight to breathe.
The figure took a few steps toward me, stopping a foot away. A voice rang out in the darkness.
