Page 53 of All the Right Words
It’s not ungrateful to choose your own life.
Tell that to Brenda. She’d kill me if I left her. The thought of even trying to have that conversation chills me to the bone.
Gina laughed. Because frankly, even she’d have shit herself to have to tell Brenda she was leaving her. But Gina knew an evasive joke when she saw one.
She’s a handful, but I know you’re not really afraid of her. Because I know that you see what I see in Brenda. All that shouting, she’s the scared one in reality. That’s not what’s stopping you.
Christ, you're worse than my therapist.
I’m going to take a compliment from that, whether intended or not.
You do that.
A minute passed, and Gina thought, OK, now I’ve done it. I’ve gone too far. Line crossed. She’s shutting down. And then the three dots came back, and Gina waited with bated breath.
OK, I know that what you’re saying is the truth. But somehow, it doesn’t feel true to me. It feels like I was given an advantage that I’m trying to spit on.
You don’t need anyone’s permission to do what you want.
Don’t I?A second later, she added,Joking. Sort of.
Before Gina could respond to that, Harper said,I know what you’re doing.
Gina felt prickles rise all over her body. She was caught. Harper knew.
You were the first to say you weren’t happy where you were, and then you made it about me. And I let you. So come on, let’s talk about you now.
Gina took a moment to calm down from the fright. She knew it was guilt that had made her read into Harper's message like that. Gina suddenly felt confident that the beating of her guilty heart was going to give her away. What the hell was she doing? She had to stop now. It wasn’t too late. If Olivia came in now, she could get her up to speed and say, ‘Here. Go along with this. Don’t fuck it up.’
But Olivia didn’t walk through the door. Only Gina had that phone in her hand. And Harper was asking a question. One that she couldn’t answer. Because Olivia was happy where she was, right? She was the saviour of the company. Probably. Well, they’d see.
Regardless, what the hell could she say now? It was hard to ignore how good it would feel to confide in Harper. Gina knew that much. She’d make you feel better just by listening. Gina had learned that about her in the small amount of time they’d had together. Harperheardyou.
Gina craved that so badly. To speak and to be heard. She wasn’t sure when she’d stopped expecting that. How Harper had woken it up, she didn’t know. Gina nearly hated her for it. Because this was impossible, she needed to stop. Now. Right now. Just stop. Make an excuse. Put the phone down. Leave it alone.
I think I’ve been unhappy for a long time because I let myself slip along on a track I never belonged on, and now I feel like I’m looking around me, and I don’t know where I am. I was supposed to be something else too. I’m not sure how I let go so easily. I’m starting to wonder if that was a mistake.
She looked at what she’d typed. She hadn’t hit send yet but there the words were, in black and white. She’d fought so hard not to see how unhappy she was. But when it was written down, it was real. She’d forgotten how that used to happen.
Within this absurd falsehood, Gina was telling the truth to herself. And Harper. It was a lot to process.
She hadn’t hit send yet, so it was fine. She could just delete it. And this time, she was definitely going to do that. She’d deal with her existential crisis later. Maybe over lunch. Her finger went to the delete button.
‘Hey, how’s it going in here?’ Olivia asked eagerly, practically running into the room.
‘Oh!’ Gina exclaimed, surprised. And then she heard a whooshing noise. She looked down. Sent.
Oh fuck.
‘Olivia, hi,’ Gina said, feeling sweat break out on her back. ‘Umm, yeah, so, it’s gone great. I think, er… Yes. It’s good. It’s not over.’
Olivia punched the air. ‘Yes! You’re the best, Gina.’
‘Well, don’t thank me yet. I kind of had to… She wanted to talk about stuff. Like serious stuff. So I kind of… You weren’t here, as you know.’ She licked her lips anxiously.
‘I do know that, yes,’ Olivia said, confused.
‘So, I just kind of had to make up stuff for you. Like I sort of, kind of made up… a deep ennui for you.’
