Page 39 of The Missus
‘Good. Good. Great. For you. You just do you, don’t you?’ Alanna said with a wan smile.
‘Yep. Same old Keira, putting ‘em through their paces,’ Keira said, managing to force out a laugh as she poured the beverages. It made her feel a little more normal talking like that. Even if it was a barefaced lie.
‘You know, sometimes I wish I was more like you,’ Alanna sighed, accepting her cup from Keira. ‘Swinging through life like a chimp in the jungle, grabbing whatever branch takes your fancy. Sounds kind of fun.’
‘Why don’t you give it a try, then? We could get you on the app today, and you could be on a date tonight!’ Keira declared.
Keira had made this recommendation before and been swiftly rebuffed. She fully expected to receive the same response on this occasion. But that was not the case on this strange morning. Because clearly, Keira was not the only one who’d had a surprise personality transplant.
‘You know what?’ Alanna asked wistfully. ‘Why not?’
‘Seriously?’ Keira asked, trying to feel as pleased as she was pretending to be. And she really, really did want to be. She wanted Alanna to bang everyone in a five-mile radius and she wanted not to care one way or the other about it.
‘Yeah. Maybe you could give me a few pointers with my profile…’
Keira found herself putting out a hand and demanding, ‘Phone.’
Alanna reached into her PJ pocket and grabbed the requested item. ‘You’re gonna do it for me?’
‘It’ll be quicker.’ Keira was snapping into action like it would save her life. But maybe it was more like it was saving her sanity. ‘Do I have permission to go into your selfie file?’
Alanna looked blank. ‘My what?’
‘You know, a particular folder that you keep…’ Keira shook her head at herself. ‘You don’t have a selfie folder. I don’t know why I thought you would.’ She chuckled. ‘Alright, you have a snap of yourself that you like?’
‘I might have some photos I took with Benjamin?’
‘You don’t have evenoneyou took of yourself, solo?’
‘For what?’ Alanna asked.
Keira looked at her in wonder. Her lack of vanity was astonishing. ‘OK. I’ll do one now.’
Alanna was shocked. ‘What? I just rolled out of bed! I look like warmed over shit!’
‘You donotlook like warmed over shit, I assure you,’ Keira said, trying not to sound sleazy, just like how a friend might compliment you. ‘You’re rocking the natural look.’
‘At least let me run a brush through my hair.’
‘Don’t change anything,’ Keira commanded. ‘The story this snap will tell is that you just got finished with your last conquest and you’re thinking about the next one, alright? You’rethatvoracious.’
‘The story the snap will tell?’ Alanna repeated, practically bug-eyed. ‘I think the story it will tell is that I need forty winks.’
Keira looked Alanna in the eye. She wasn’t sure whether to say this, but it was coming out anyway. ‘Look, Alanna, you won the lottery, OK? You got the cheekbones. You got the sharp eyes that can see through a person. You got that big, thick, dramatic hair that would have Rapunzel asking for style tips. Own it, alright?’
Alanna began to dissolve into bashfulness. ‘Keira, you don’t have to stroke my ego.’
‘Lying about our relationship is the only lie I need to tell. I’m not naturally dishonest,’ Keira said. It felt suddenly important to impart that about herself.
Alanna couldn’t seem to meet Keira’s eye. Keira knew without a doubt that she’d overstepped. ‘OK, let’s get that snap taken, get you fielding date offers asap,’ she said quickly.
‘OK,’ Alanna replied, still a bit self-conscious. She settled on the sofa with her hands on her lap and smiled like she was getting her passport photo done. Keira pointed the camera at her from a high angle, pushed in tight and said, ‘Don’t smile.’
‘What?’ Alanna asked, confused.
‘Look at me like I’m Benjamin.’
The moment Keira said her ex’s name, Alanna’s face fell. Keira got the shot. ‘That’s the one.’
