Page 80 of Worship
“I didn’t plan this. So, forgive me if it’s a terrible speech.” Out of the corner of my eye, I see Michael’s eyebrows raise, but I ignore him.
“I never thought I’d see the day that my brother would find someone who made him want to stop and smell the roses.” Luca looks directly at me. “But I guess that’s the King curse: we’re damned until we find the right woman. Once we do, they’re damned to love us.”
Drew leans in to me. “You look like your heart is breaking all over again, G,” she whispers into my ear.
One tear falls down my cheek.
“That’s because it is.” I smile, and she wipes my face.
She holds my hand tighter for the strength I need to make it for another few minutes. Nico yells out something I don’t catch, and Drew laughs, but I just stare at Luca, because I am exactly that—damned. I cheated on Michael. Luca cheated on Shelby. The one constant is that we keep clawing our way to each other. It’s me and Luca, forever trapped in our own misery if we can’t find a resolution.
I shift my eyes to Drew, who smiles at me as Luca continues.
“I couldn’t be more pleased that Drew is my sister and is queen to a man who loves to call himself King.” The table laughs at the moniker that most know Dom as. “I’m overjoyed that she’ll be the one to have my nephews.” Dom shakes his head again, tossing his napkin at Luca. “We all know that I’ll be the favorite uncle. It’s a given. But whether it’s a boy or girl, I promise to protect this child with my life, the way I would Ella.”
Luca raises his glass to me at the last part. “Here’s to a lifetime of love, babies, and joy.” My heart stops beating, and Drew’s breath catches. He turns to the table and raises his glass to everyone. “Famiglia.”Family.
Everyone raises their glasses and chimes in, but Luca keeps his eyes on me, and I don’t look away because I see what he’s feeling. It’s a sadness that I feel myself; I want to be his family, to share these moments with him, but that will never happen for us as a couple.
The table quiets, and I turn to Drew.
“I’m not feeling well. I think I’m going to call it a night. Would you mind?”
“I’m sorry I tricked you. I didn’t see it until now. I love you, G.”
I know she means it. Nobody knows the depths of my feelings for Luca, because if I say it out loud, then I have to mourn the loss. It stings too much, so I pack it away for another day. Denial is my superpower.
I walk back to my seat. Luca is on his own side. I stare over to where he sits, honed in on me, probably my thoughts too, because I can’t help but be an open book to him.
His fingers twist his glass round and round as his jaw flexes. He’s such a dangerous and beautiful man. His passion is matched only by his rage, and sometimes, they feel the same because each is equally as terrifying. When do we stop hurting each other in an effort to make the other submit? How bloody are we willing to get?
The realization washes over me, and I laugh quietly to myself as my thoughts still. My love for him runs so deep within me that I’m willing to take his hate if that means I get him for another second. Because I don’t just love him; I’m possessed by him, wholly.
Luca’s eyes falter, and I see his regret, but only because he sees my pain. His manipulation of me is what breaks my heart.
We don’t lie, we don’t manipulate. It’s a desperate act, and I hate myself for being his accomplice. Everything disappears as we stare at each other across the table, and his brow furrows. I close my eyes, unable to look anymore. It’s too raw, too painful. And if we don’t stop this, we’re going to tear each other apart, bit by bit.
I turn to Michael and smile.
“I’m not feeling well. Let’s call it a night?”
Michael’s eyes are filled with relief, and he nods.
“Of course.” He pushes his chair back and stands. “I’ll get your coat.”
“Thank you,” I answer, suddenly exhausted.
I rise and make my apologies to the table for leaving, blaming an oncoming headache. Luca begins to stand, and Antonio grips his shoulder, whispering, “You’re the headache, dickhead. Leave her alone for a minute.” But I catch it.
“Don’t go. I’ll go,” Luca offers quietly, ignoring Antonio.
I just shake my head and hug Drew again, giving everyone a small wave. Michael waves too, and I walk with him through the house.Don’t look back. Don’t look back.I don’t, but it doesn’t matter, because I feel him watching.
IINHALE THE CRISP, COOLmorning air, letting my lungs fill. I brought Rose and Ella to the park this morning, to clear my head. There’s too much shit fighting for priority in my mind. I exhale and walk back to where I started the day, at the swings with my giggling almost one-year-old.
“She’s getting fearless,” I laugh to Rose and take over pushing.
Ella squeals each time the swing goes higher, and I raise my eyebrows, mirroring her excitement.
