Page 51 of Worship
“WHY STAY WITH SOMEONE JUSTto punish them? Aren’t you really just hurting yourself? Punishing yourself for making the wrong move?” she asks in a sleepy voice.
We’ve been on a marathon tonight. It’s one in the morning, and we’ve been having this therapy session all night. Each night, our conversations have become more connected; what should feel heavy feels more like a necessity. I need to know everything about her and have her know the same about me. I’m left unsettled at the idea of not being the one who knows her best.
“Maybe. You can see it that way, or you can see that with every action, there’s a reaction. Shelby’s current reality is that reaction. What she’s done to Ella, the brand she’s leaving on her heart, the lies she told me…I don’t know how to walk away without a piece of Shelby as retribution.” I hear her soft breaths. “Are you asleep?” I smile into the phone.
“No. Sorry, I was just thinking how much I relate. Ella will always wonder why her mom didn’t love her, and maybe even blame herself, without even realizing. I always wished that my dad would’ve yelled at my mom or told her to get out. You know? Something mean to make me feel likeshewas the asshole, that it was her who was all wrong. I get it. But…”
I cut her off. “I know that’s the piece of me you hate. You wish I’d let it go because it’s the reason I need time.”
A small part of me is afraid of her answer because it means I’d have to choose. The choice used to be so clear, but now I’m conflicted. Gretchen makes everything else insignificant.
Gretchen’s voice is serious.
“Stop, no. I don’t hate any piece of you. I get it, Luca, and I’m not judging the right or wrong of it. I’m saying that Ella may not need what you’re giving her. She’s growing up with love, surrounded by so many people who adore her. I think you need to admit that you’re hurting too.”
I close my eyes and roll onto my back.
“How do you do that?” I ask honestly. Uncomfortable with my own vulnerability.
“What?” she answers.
She doesn’t even know what she does and the effect it has on me.
My words are as honest as I can make them.
“Make me feel exposed.”
I hear her fucking smile in her voice.
“You’ve never been hidden.” She answers as if that’s the natural answer.
It’s not. Nobody knows what I’m thinking, feeling. But she acts as if my heart is on my sleeve. Then again, for her, it probably is. I can’t seem to possess the ability to hide myself from her.
“Metterò I bambini nella tuaanicaa e osserverò il tuo corpo crescere. Ti amerò così intensamente che riempirà ogni vuoto lasciato dentro di te. Sarò sempre l’unico per te, Angel.”I’m going to put babies in your belly and watch your body grow. I’ll love you so intensely that it will fill every void left inside of you. I will always be the only one for you, Angel.
“Luca, come on. I want to know. And don’t say not yet.” Her pleading makes me smile.
“Another time. Go. Sleep now, Angel. Dream about me.”
Her voice caresses my goddamn heart before she hangs up.
“Always.”
Monday
ALL MORNINGI’VE BEEN IMPATIENTLYwaiting for the text or call. I know my little gift was delivered to him, but I’ve heard nothing. I check my phone for the millionth time and nothing. How does he always seem so cool when he’s torturing me?Sociopath.
Kate buzzes to tell me my meeting in the conference room is in two minutes, and I grab the notes I need and make my way to it.
I hate these meetings, always so useless. It’s a monthly check-in of all the department heads. The bright side is I get to see my girlfriends.
I walk into the large glass-encased room, and Lyla waves to me from where she’s standing next to Blair, who’s checking her phone. Drew is standing next to Blair, leaned against the table, sipping her tea. I have a righteous girl gang. Smart, successful, and gorgeous. My soul mates.
I greet them as I get close.
“Hello, friends, are you ready for another hour of wasted time?”
Blair looks up from her phone with an annoyed expression.
