Page 74 of Female Fantasy
Fake dating. Like the trope.
God, my head hurts.
“But that night, when my family split apart, something inside of me just cracked. A light went out. I’m broken, Joon. I think I have been ever since. Anyway, I drank half a bottle of gin that I stole out of my parents’ liquor cabinet. I had never touched alcohol before. After that, the entire night is hazy. I sort of recall knowing I had somewhere to be but not being able to figure out where. When I showed up at the dance, I could barely remember my own name, let alone who Sam or any of those other girls were. And I sure as hell don’t remember telling you that you were living in a fantasy for thinkingyou could rely on me or calling you delusional or pathetic. But when I woke up the next morning with a hangover from hell and realized that I’d forgotten you, I knew I needed to stay the hell away from you from then on. Because I’d let you down, and I knew I’d only continue to let you down. That’s what I was apologizing for and why I thought you hated me all these years. For disappointing you, then walking away. I just didn’t want to break you, too. I couldn’t handle the idea of leaving you in pieces.”
I say his words out loud again, this time with a different intonation.You’re just a kid.
Nico nods. “Youwerea kid, and you deserved to be one for a little longer. God, I was such an idiot. But I was drunk and sad and angry with my parents. And you have to know I wouldn’t do anything like that to you now, Joonie. I would never break a promise. If I could do that night all over again, I’d come clean to you about my family. Let you decide for yourself what you could handle.”
My next breath gets lodged in my throat.
“I thoughtyouhad started to hateme,” I tell him. “I never understood why you said all those things, and it broke my heart. Because you had always stood up for me. For our family. And then you stood me up instead. Confirmed all my worst fears. So I started to hate you, too. For being the first person to really let me down. All of my bullies, the people who poked fun at my appearance or my last name…I never expected much from them. But I thought the world of you.”
“I never hated you, Joon,” he says quietly. “Quite theopposite, actually.”
When I turn around to face him once more, his eyes are wet and red. He wipes his nose with the back of his hand.
“I should have known that you were still looking out for me in your own way.” I offer him a sad smile. “You really don’t believe in falling in love, huh? Not ever?”
Nico shakes his head slowly, his eyes never leaving mine.
“Do you want to know why I do?”
He nods. Just the once.
“Do you remember Kyle?”
Nico frowns. “That pretentious asshole you dated for a little while?”
I bite my lower lip. “We were together for years, Nico. We lived together.”
“Never liked him,” he growls. “I didn’t like the way he talked down to you.”
“When I first got to college, I felt really lost. After being totally misunderstood by my classmates in high school and rejected by Sam and, well, you—”
“I never rejected you,” he interrupts.
“Well, I thought you had,” I snap back. “Anyway, in college, I focused on being the woman people wanted me to be. Blending in as best as I could. Basically just being…less. The ‘right kind of girl.’ And it worked, to a certain extent. That was the version of me that Kyle fell in love with. And for a while, nothing tasted sweeter than his love. Until it went sour.”
Nico clenches his teeth. His narrowed eyes are seethingwith anger, and I can practically see smoke coming out of his nose. “What did he do to you?”
“He never physically hurt me. Well, he threw a plate at me once, but he missed. Mostly it was emotional abuse. He liked to control how I dressed, who I spoke to, where I went when I wasn’t with him. It all got to be too much. I slowly started to disappear, Nico. Like I had never existed at all.”
Nico clenches his fists. Then he unfurls one hand, reaches out, and places it on my cheek. Tenderly, he strokes the skin there with two fingers.
I close my eyes and lean into his touch.
He hums.
“The day I left him,” I continue, “I felt the way you did—like the promise of love I’d been fed since I was a child was a lie. That I’d never find anyone who would accept me for who I was. But then I discoveredA Tale of Salt Water and Secrets, and I realized the truth: that I’d never learned how to ask for what I wanted in a relationship or to communicate my desires. Through Ryke and Merriah, I had the revelation that men like Kyle wanted to own women, to possess them. But there were other men who saw women as their equals, their partners. And when I found my Salty Girls, I finally found community. I was no longer siloed. And I was able to ask questions openly, freely, and honestly. So I believe in love because of them. Because of EGC. And because the alternative, giving up on love, would mean accepting a world devoid of happily ever afters. And I can’t do that ever again.”
Nico’s left hand joins his right, and he cups my face. “Ihate him for making you feel that way for even one second, let alone years,” he says softly. “I’ll kill him if I ever see him again.”
“I don’t need you to fight my battles for me,” I say. “I know my own strength now.”
His eyes meet mine. “Of course, you do. You’re a force, Joonie.”
I shudder as his breath tickles the tip of my nose.
