Page 3 of Authentically, Izzy
I will respond more later. Cleo just jumped across the kitchen and knocked over the cereal boxes again. Remind me why I’m the one who had to keep Penelope’s cat? Are you really allergic to cats, Izzy? I have my doubts.
Josephine
PS: Patrick loves supporting the library and books, though he was a little surprised you did not have many in the category of footcare. I told him you’d make immediate additions upon his request.
From: Penelope Edgewood
To: Izzy Edgewood
Date: February15
Subject: Firstborn drama
Oh Izzy,
I just heard about what my sister did with the whole dating site and I’m so sorry. On Valentine’s Day of all days in the world!! How could she! I’m sure you hoped you’d be able to get out of such sisterly bossiness since she’s not your biological sister, but I just think Josephine can’t help trying to fix everyone’s lives, whether they need fixing or not. She’s been trying to do it for years. Do you remember the parakeet we had growing up? He didn’t listen to a thing Josephine said and it nearly caused her to have a breakdown at ten years old. It’s a wonder she’s survived being a big sister to Luke all these years. I think she could have gone into burglary with her particular gift for intrusion. We studied about firstborns in my psychology class at school and Josephine fits theprofile to a T. Except the list didn’t mention color-coordinating bedsheets and winter hats, but I took that to belong under the “structured” category.
She opened an account for me, too, and I don’t have any trouble finding dates, so just imagine how bored she must be. If she sets an account up for Luke, too, can you imagine? He’ll break her computer. The last thing my brother wants right now is another romance, you know. One solid disaster is enough for anyone, and he still hasn’t gotten over it. (I considered sending him a link to the song “So Much Better” fromLegally Blonde: The Musicalas consolation, but I really don’t think Luke would have appreciated it.)
I think men of true depth feel the sting of lost love the deepest of all. I read that once and felt the truth of it to the fiber of my soul. I really hope romantic catastrophes aren’t hereditary. Between you and Luke, I’m doomed.
I suppose being happily married to a wonderfully indulgent man means Josephine must thrust her happiness on the rest of us. Once her babies are born, she’ll have something else to take up her life instead of meddling in ours.
Twins! Can you imagine?!? That should keep her busy, if nothing will.
I’m off to practice projection with Olivia. I really don’t know why I’m the one people are always asking to train them how to be loud on stage.
Love,
Penelope
PS: I noticed you changed your profile photo, but Izzy, I wonder if you should choose something different. If you want to catch the eye of some would-be Mr. Right, maybe you should post a photoof a more well-recognized actress or something. That would be more culturally eye-catching. I doubt most people even know who that Éowyn person is from those strangeLord of the Ringsmovies, so seeing a woman with a sword might give the wrong impression. If you can’t think of something better, you could always post your own photo. I posted a glamorous photo of the young Julie Andrews as my profile picture, because I really don’t care about being culturally eye-catching if a Mr.Wonderful is classic enough to adore Julie Andrews. And you know how these dating sites work. It’s not usually the best idea to put your real photo on display. Safety and all that. But if I was going to put my real photo, I’d add the one where I’m wearing the green sweater you bought me two Christmases ago. It brings out the color of my eyes and is one of my favorites, though Luke says the tree behind me in the photo looks like it’s growing out of my head. He really doesn’t understand style and artistry at all. Brothers!
From: Josephine Martin
To: Izzy Edgewood
Date: February15
Subject: JOSEPHINE!!
Izzy,
Do you hear yourself? You even type emails like an old person. “Henceforth”? “Perfectly satisfied”? “I weep over excellent writing”??? What are you doing with your life, my darling cousin? You should be thanking me for my attempt at an intervention.
And, you donotdate. I’m not sure why, when there are plenty of nice men I’ve introduced to you. If you continue to compare everypossible male specimen to one of your book heroes, you will become as single as the most fictional spinster you can imagine.
Spending time with my sister and brother does not count as a non-reclusive activity since they are your cousins. And the singles group at church has dwindled to such low numbers, they don’t count either. Small-town, eligible bachelors are snatched up too quickly to take your time, Izzy. Heart-to-Heart is the only option for you.
And, for heaven’s sake, take down that profile photo at once. Though the actress is lovely, no man wants to see a woman wielding a sword at him. It does not give off the best romantic impression.
And first impressions are vital. Especially online.
Lovingly,
Josephine... NOT Josie
PS: Patrick has a friend coming into town next week that I think you should meet. He’s not a podiatrist, but he does have a promising profession: audiology. I’ve seen a photo of him and he has a lovely nose.
