Page 102 of Authentically, Izzy
Silence paused the conversation. Just the awareness that Luke was on the other side of the phone somehow drew her frayed emotions back together.
“You lost your parents, Izzy. That’s traumatic.”
“It was.” She drew in a shivering breath. “It is.”
“And it would be for anyone, but you are not hurting alone. You’re a part of our family.”
She smiled at his attempt to help. To fix things, as he always tried to do. “But, Luke, maybe I’d convinced myself that I wasn’t really a part of your family. I was looking in, like through a window. Therewas already a big sister and a little sister, and . . . and I think I’d convinced myself that your family didn’tneedanother sister. I was kind of thrust onto you guys.”
“That’s not true.” Came his quick reply. “That’s never been true.”
“I think I had in my head that I would take away fromyourfamily, so I had to make sure I didn’t overstep the bounds. Make sure I never got too comfortable, so I didn’t crowd out the people who belonged in your family. I always needed to earn my place, like I didn’t truly belong. That... I don’t know.”
“Ourfamily,” he corrected. “And earn your place? Izzy.” And then he released a sigh she almost felt through the phone. “That’s why you turned down going to Georgetown, isn’t it? Because Josephine was going there, and you knew what kind of stress it was causing Mom and Dad.”
She pinched her lips together, the truth piercing into her with sudden awareness. She had.
“And is that why you worked for Josephine instead of taking the store-clerk job at Ebony Books in Winston-Salem?”
She groaned and released a quiet sob. Shehad!Was that the reason?
“Izzy, you’ve been as much a sister to me as Josephine or Penelope. In fact, sometimes I like you better than either one of them because you talk more sense on a regular basis.”
Her breath released in a half-chuckle, half-whimper.
“But I don’t love you any differently or less, and I know that Mom and Dad and both ofourcrazy sisters would say the same thing. I mean, we’re all screwed up in ways, and we don’t love perfectly, but that has nothing to do with you. It’s just us being humans.”
“It’s not about you guys.” Her eyes fluttered closed. How could relief also feel so sad? How many years, opportunities, had she wasted because of this fear?
“Stop beating yourself up. I can practically hear it through the phone.”
“You think you’re so smart, don’t you?”
“You texted me for a reason.”
She rolled her eyes, but since she didn’t benefit from him seeing her, or her grimace, she huffed instead. “My bad.”
Silence paused the moment. Already, just at the admission, she felt something break inside her. An understanding? Freedom?
“Maybe Eli was good for you.”
Had she heard him correctly? “Eli?”
“I think he got you mad enough about book heroines and romance that it forced you to voice your thoughts as well as that wasted sarcasm you keep in your head. It’s been aching to get out for years, and the difference between him and Brodie just intersected at the right time to make everything explode.”
“Explode seems like the appropriate word right now.” She groaned into her hand as she reached for her cup of tea with the other.
“In a good way. Like confetti.”
“You really can’t pull off Penelope vibes, Luke.”
“You’re right.” He sighed. “It sucks, Iz. All of it. And I’m sorry. But I’m glad too. Because if it took all of this for you to grab the reins of your own life, to really be you, then it’s a good thing.”
“Yeah.” She nodded as the heat from the tea mingled with the tears in her eyes. “I am glad too. I think.”
“You know, Izzy.” His tone sobered, softened. “I wish you’d told me this before now so you didn’t have to struggle through years of wondering.”
“I didn’t even know it until now. Not really.”
