Page 89 of A Twist of Faith
Reese pointed his finger. “You told me to do that.”
“And who reached out to help her—be neighborly.”
“You did too, Mama. And so did Rainey.”
“And who started a romantic relationship with her? Took her to the café? Walked with her in the moonlight?”
“You were watching that?”
Rainey raised her hand. “I told her about that part.”
“You what?”
Rainey shrugged. “I can see her house from my back porch.”
Reese closed his eyes, but even with Rainey and Mama’s faces blocked out, he still felt them staring with theI told you sokind of look. “I don’t believe this.”
“Seems to me, son, you’re trying to blame Dee for all the hurt you’ve held onto since Jana. You’ve tried to pretend it was gone, but it ain’t. It’s eating away at you.”
“This isn’t about Jana. It’s about Dee.”
“No, son, it’s really about you and this anger inside. You’re trying to find someone to blame and Dee hit a nerve. You can’t see the present because your mind’s still fogged up with the past. And you’re so stuck in the past, when Dee makes one wrong move, she gets all Jana’s blame.”
“What do you expect me to do, Mama? Just forget it. Forget the fact my wife snuck around behind me and slept with my brother-in-law? Bore his child? Practically threw my worthlessness into my face.” He raised his arms in the air, eyes stinging. “There are just some things you can’t forget.”
“Nope, you probably can’t forget it, but you can forgive it.”
“Forgive?” Was his Mama crazy? “I was a good husband to her. I took good care of her.” He felt his chin quiver and it made him madder. “I’ve done enough.”
“She’s dead, Reese.” Rainey’s blunt response caught him off-guard. All he could do was stare at her. “They were both wrong, but the longer we hold onto anger, the longer their betrayal hurts us. Over and over again. Jana can’t hurt you anymore if you give all your anger up to God.”
He shared this same conversation with Dee, hadn’t he? Back when he thought she cared about him? Back when she wasn’t so conniving and …
His chest hurt, and he hated eating his words. Sour.
“I did forgive her.” Reese throat tightened around his words. “And she betrayed me again.”
“Forgiving doesn’t mean you say what she did was okay. It means you don’t let it control you anymore.” Mama stepped close again and placed her hand on Reese’s arm. “Dee ain’t Jana. They’re as different as peanut butter and corn on the cob. But until you get the anger against Jana out of your heart, there ain’t no room for all the love you have to give to somebody else, or receive. That anger will flare up every time Dee does something that looks anything like Jana. She don’t deserve to bear the sins of somebody else’s past, and neither do you.”
“Jana doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.”
“It’s not easy, Reese. I know.” Rainey’s understanding pierced his heart. “Better than anybody else. I know.”
“And you’re worth so much, boy. To us, to God, and, if you think about it, to Dee.”
“What if you’re wrong, Mama? What if she’s exactly like Jana? What if—” He paused to find his voice. “I can’t do this again. I can’t.”
His mama shook her head and gave his arm a squeeze. “No, you can’t.” Her smile flickered. “But God can.”
Reese jerked from his mother’s hold. “I can’t. It’s too close. Too hard.” He shook his head. “I don’t care what the preacher says, Mama. Do you realize what she took from me?”
“Nothing that God can’t restore, Reese.”
Words burned in his throat and seared a path down to his chest. Forgive Jana? How could God even ask Him to? He’d taken her back in throughout her pregnancy with Brandon. Cared for her. And she’d tossed him off as nothing more than an old jacket, stained from her misuse.
He wiped a sleeve across his eyes. “I can’t.”
Without another word he marched from the room and out into the cold morning air, almost running from their compassion, their faith in Dee, their expectation to forgive Jana. Dawn barely hinted an orange hue over a horizon framed in by clouds that promised snow. His vision blurred. How could they expect him to forgive all she’d done? How could God expect it?
