Page 163 of Fortress of Ambrose
His eyes narrow. “How could you say that to me?”
Nothing is more loving than telling him the truth. “This is you fighting for something you never needed to prove. You’ve never felt good enough to be loved by your father, to be respected by your aunt, to be a person of your own choosing. You were forced toprovethat you are worthy of their love. You’ve cut them off, but their voices still whisper in your mind.”
His throat bobs. His nostrils flare. But a glaze gleams in his eye.
“And all this time you’ve been trying to prove to yourself that you deserve my love.” I move closer to him, pulling the wires out of his hand. “You already have my love. Not because of your magic or the family you come from or your ability to fix the world’s problems or even your ability to save me! You have my love, Jordan, just as you are. On the messy days and the good ones. At the times when you’re strong. And the times whenyou are lost. I love you, Jordan, because of who you are,notwhat you do. You’re worthy of love and freedom, simply becauseyou exist.”
It breaks me that he’s never known that kind of love. My own mother had to learn that I need to be seen and loved, toushana and all. Just as I am.
“That’s the only kind of love that can silence the constant voices saying you’re not good enough.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t understand.” He shoves away, tears forming.
“I know. But I hope by hearing the truth, you can begin to.”
He storms out.
Sixty-Four
Jordan
The halls of Chateau Soleil are as silent as death.
What have I done?Memories of the last hour are hazy. But the faces of everyone in the basement with tethered wrists haunt me. Imalia, who helped me search everyone. Kedd. The twins. Mothers cuffed, arms roped with their children.They weren’t in on stealing the magic!I claw at my scalp.How did I get here?
Out.I need out of this place.
My chest aches as if it might burst. I run upstairs, through the foyer to the broom closet, and keep running until I’m outside filling my lungs with the scents of earthy oak and ash. I glare at my hands, unable to move.
I’ve ruined so many lives.
I’ve torn families apart, destroyed peace in the name of creating abetterpeace. My gut lurches, and I hunch over, expecting my insides to spill at my feet. All the people I’ve sentenced to die as a Dragun, and later as a Heart, the safe houses I’ve raided.
I can still see their faces.
Several deserved justice. But most didn’t. Duty blinded me; they all looked the same.
And here I’ve let fear choke me into the same deception.
My knees hit the ground, tugged down by the weight of my calcifiedheart. The smell of dirt sends my heart racing. I glance backward, expecting to see Beaulah. Somehow she is the mastermind behind all this, toying with and twisting my mind. The promotions, the recognition, the old pins on my lapel were my pats on the back, the squeeze of a real hug, thegood jobI craved.
I claw at my chest, phantom feelings of pins being stabbed there send goose bumps up my arms.Second son, my father’d called me when he took me on my first raid with him. After I proved to him I could make perfect marks and outperform my peers at every turn, only then did he take me under his wing. He gifted me our first hug. He kept me away from my mother as often as he could.Her love is too soft, he’d chastise. Tears burn my eyes.
I was only a failure to him, not a son. Until I wasn’t.
The problems became mine to fix. My father’s legacy was mine to repair. My brother was mine to save. My aunt was mine to keep contained. I’ve buried those relationships. But their hold on me feels like arms reaching from a grave.Why would Quell love me any differently?Why would anyone?More tears come, and I can’t fight them anymore. A rush of sorrow drowns my cheeks.
I claw at my hair, squeezing my skull between my hands until it hurts.
Quell has battled the same magic and come out of it controlled.
It’s not the toushana.
It’s me.
Haunted, angry, resentfulme.
Quell is right. It is choices, not magic, that makes a person good or bad.My entire life’s been built on a lie. This whole Order is a lie. A broken system run by corrupt people who villainize those they want to oppress.
