Page 34 of Fortress of Ambrose
“What Knox has lived through would giveyounightmares.” Her burgeoning frustration burns in my chest. I don’t like this divide between us. I can’t hold her, stroke her hair, assure her that I am in this,withher andforher. Whatever it takes.
“We need to take things one step at a time. My wound healed first. The Sphere’s magic out of me. Then we rebuild.”
“Agreed.” Her voice is softer, and it settles my pulse. “I did allude to the idea with Willam already, trying to get him to help us.”
“You did not.” Cold lurches in my chest. I stagger, it hits me so sharply. “Andwhatdid he say?”
“He said he had to think about it.”
“We should have talked about this first.”
“There was no time. It just occurred to me. And it feels right.” She is getting worked up again. Hasn’t he caused her enough heartache for a lifetime? I plop down beside a bale of hay. It takes a moment to situate my body in a way that doesn’t exacerbate the pain pinching my side. Quell grabs my bag from the ground and joins me, keeping an arm’s length of space between us. She digs around inside my satchel with a mischievous smirk and grins when she pulls out a bag of candy.
“Thief!”
I swipe at her with minimal effort, not willing to actually chance touching her. Her eyes are wild with mirth, and it lights up the darkest part of me convinced this won’t work. Then she rips the candy open, tosses me a few green ones, and tips one end of the bag into her mouth. The curve of her lips assaults me with memories of being near her. Touching her. I look away.
“Where do you see yourself after all this is behind us?”
“Wherever you are.”
She pushes the rest of the candy bag my way. “Promise me.” I can feel her sadness. “I don’t have anyone else.” Her lips tighten as she fights to hold back tears. Grief has a mind of its own.
“Do you want to talk about her? Your mom.”
“Just promise me.”
“I’m here.” My fingers crawl to the bag of candy. I grab it. She doesn’t let go of her end. “But you have yourself, too. You have to be enough for yourself.”Beaulah showed me that’s a hole no one else can fill.
“I still want you.”
“You have all of me.”
“And yet I feel so far from you.” She hovers her hand over mine. I don’t move, daring to believe a stolen moment could be okay. When she brushes her fingertips across my knuckles, it sets my soul on fire. Her touch is a promise. I savor it as I pull away.
“When this is all behind us, we will lie on the beach in the shallow waves until our fingers prune.” Not hiding or running.
“It sounds like a dream.”
“I will make it real. It’s the least I could do to deserve you.”
She wrinkles her nose. “You deserve all the happiness, freedom, and love in the world without having to earn it, Jordan.”
My jaw hardens. I take the candy bag and finish eating the rest. Quell doesn’t understand. She can’t. With all I’ve done as a Dragun, the horrible things Beaulah made me do, the people I’ve hurt, the bodies I’ve racked up, I deserve nothing. Certainly not her. We sit for a long time in silence. So long, Quell dozes, and I watch her sleep, attuned to the slow cadence of her heart.
Then a gunshot wakes her up.
Fifteen
Yagrin
The train into the city took a corner too fast, and Nore bumped into Yagrin. He steadied her as she toppled, with a firm hand at her hip. She blushed, and he pretended not to notice. She was full of questions about how he planned to get inside Hartsboro. And he hadn’t worked up the courage to tell her that wasnotwhere they were going next. If she knew his reasoning, she wouldn’t agree. And onthishe was not negotiable. So he avoided the conversation altogether and endured the nausea swimming inside him.
When the train stopped, they hopped off right at Central Street Books, the library in downtown Boston. The biggest library in the area, one he’d visited numerous times for Dragun meetings. Nore watched every direction suspiciously. She gazed up at the clouds. Whatever she was wary of faded at the clear blue sky, and her cautiousness was replaced with foot-tapping frustration when she read a nearby sign.
“Hartsboro is hours from here.” She adjusted her shoulder strap as the train zipped off.
He shushed her, walking faster toward the doors. She didn’t follow.
