Page 107 of Ashes of Gold
“We can talk about it.” Julius presses me into his chest and I break, like a dam. “I’m sorry.” His whispers warm my ear and I cry harder.
My chest aches and my knees are weak. I thought Jhamal rode for me. I thought he loved me the way I loved him. That’s the most fucked-up part, assuming someone cares for you the same way you care for them. I slide down to the ground, hugging my knees.
Julius crouches too, arms roped around me. My head finds that nook, my nook, between his jaw and chest. He holds me in silence for a long minute. I savor the way he gives me space to process while being tangled around me, holding me up but not barging in. He smooths tears from my cheek, shaking his head.
When I’m ready, I sit up a bit in his grasp and I tell him. Everything. About the Seer’s words of warning and my time in the cell with Jhamal. He scowls at the mention of kisses and how he played me, doting on my wounds.
“Did he ever touch you?”
“No. Not like that.”
That relaxes him some. But at every mention of Jhamal, a vein in his jaw pulses. When I finish, his nostrils are flared and he’s doing that thing he does when he’s pissed off. “I wanna see this Jhamal dude one more time. I just wanna talk.”
I shove his shoulder playfully. He knows that’s not what I need from him. But his expression doesn’t change.
“I just don’t feel like I can trust anyone, Jue. Every time I turn around, someone’s lying or speaking half-truths.”
“What I tell you?”
“Trust myself. But you don’t understand.”
“What don’t I understand? Tell me.”
I sigh. “This is some next-level shit. People’s lives are in my hands. Their future. Julius, I don’t know what I’m doing. A-and so I surround myself with smart people. People who know what they’re doing. Like Bri and Jhamal and Zora and you. And…”
“Stop.” He rests a finger on my lips. “We not doing that. You not gon’ tear yourself down like that. I remember when we first met, it was to study for math and shit, you remember?” He smirks.
“Yeah,” I say. He’s a wall at my back. I curl into him as he holds me.
“I was okay at Geometry. But Mr. Macey’s tests werehardas hell. You had seen how I did on homework and thought I knew what I was doing. But like foreal, Rue, I used to study my ass off betweenour study sessions so you wouldn’t leave my ass in the dust. I ain’t want you to stop meeting with me. I had to make them grades to impress you.”
“You so dumb. You had to make those grades because youneededthose grades.” I laugh. “Not become some cute…”
“Fine-ass.”
I snort. “Okay, fine-ass…”
“Queen.”
I flash him a look. “We don’t use that word. Fine-ass girl is studying with you.”
“Look, I pulled an A in Geometry because of your help. You’re the smartest person I know.”
Flecks of hazel in his eyes glimmer in the moonlight. The night is calling to me, but right here, wrapped up with Julius under the stars, laughing ’bout stupid shit, is medicine to my soul. A sweet quiet I’ve been parched for. Like… like all along, right here with him is where I shoulda been anyway.
“You get me,” I say. “I-in a way… no one else does.”
He smiles and my insides tingle with nerves.
“And the way you look at me, like… like I’m the brightest star.”
“Theonlystar.”
“Why, though?” I ask, because I need to know. If I know what he sees in me, maybe I’ll see it too. Because from where I’m standing, I’m outside my lane, trying to fix the monumental mess I’ve made of everything. And I’m terrified my next step will be the wrong move. What else could my people lose?
“You changed me, Rue.” Now it’s him who looks away, his fingers touching the corners of his eyes.
“Changed you how?”
