Page 9 of Ashes of Gold
Great, so I’m in prison, without the ability to use my magic, and I can’t quite remember how I even got in here?! I try to stand but my knees buckle. Jhamal catches me, and for a moment I let him be a wall around me. A wall against the storm raging through me. But even that sears after a moment.
“Thanks,” I say, pulling away from him and steadying myself on the wall. “I got it.”
I can’t even stand on my own two feet?I did this. I got us in here.Or I let the Chancellor do this? I-I should have fought harder or been smarter or listened to the Ghizoni in the forest when they wanted to think out a plan. But no, no, I had to storm out there and take him on myself. The guilt chokes and I slide down the wall to the floor, hugging my knees. Tears sting my cheeks, shredding everything inside me that used to beat with hope. I’ve saved one home but lost the other one.
Jhamal sits next to me, tucking his lip in understanding. His warmth soothes, but I can’t look at him. Not after what I’ve done.
“Jelani, I forgive you. You could not have known—”
“Stop!”Excuses.I won’t listen to it. They looked to me to protect them out there, to make decisions, and I failed. That’s the truth of it. And I won’t let him water it down. I’d pace, but my body feels like it’s barely glued together. If I even breathe too hard, I might break. I gaze at his chin on his chest and shame burns my cheeks. He doesn’t deserve this. He’s done nothing but mend me.
“I’m sorry,” I mutter.
His gaze meets mine. “It’s okay. I hate that you even—” His shoulders slump next to me and for a moment I let my head lie on his shoulder.
“My people. They need me,” I breathe, and I’m not even sureJhamal hears it until he turns to me. Everything kind and warm hangs in his ebony eyes.
“We will not think of these things. Right now, getting you strong is the focus. It has to be.”
My eyes sting. “I’m the only one with magic a-and they’re just out there. Without me.”
“Jelani.” He caresses my jaw with his thumb. But the flutter I feel is buried in memories of Yiyo, Rahk, a battlefield full of blood, until it’s an ember smothered in the ash of my failure.
“You should eat. It usually helps.”
I nod begrudgingly as he sets out the tray. I blow out a breath, trying to keep quiet the panic tugging at me. The angst to feel like not only a prisoner of the Chancellor but a prisoner in my own body. The meal is some sort of oats and purple berries with a peanut-buttery aftertaste. Once we’re done eating, the world is heavy, like I used up every bit of energy I had with anger and have none left for practice. Jhamal warned me of that. But I hold my eyes open as best I can, focusing on Jhamal as he feeds me spells. I repeat and recite until every other syllable is a yawn.
“Sticky spell,” he says, the first one open.
“Surpizah.”
“Fireball.”
“Feey’laska.”
“Cord of light.”
“Prim.”
“You’re remembering so well.”
“I just want to know why I don’t remember.” I touch a spot on my forehead and it’s rough with a scab. “Ow.”
Eyelashes.
“Breathe, it’s going to be okay. Maybe that’s enough for today.” He lays a leg over mine. “What is it you call it, again?”
“Pretzel legs.” A smile tugs at my lips, but the wail of dying people is a ghost in my ears. I untangle my legs from his. Jhamal must sense the question in my pained expression.
“You are remembering, Jelani. That is what matters.”
“How long have we been doing this?”
“Too long. Moons? I don’t know. Every time you wake, we have good progress though. You’re going to be so strong, so good at your magic by the time we get out of here.”
I close my eyes again, reaching for a memory of getting in this cell. For what happened after the Chancellor captured us. But find only a burning battlefield.
My breath hitches, my pulse picking up.What have I done? And what about Tasha… Ms. Leola… they need to know I’m okay. I—
