Page 57 of Ashes of Gold
They’ve discovered something? It’s gotta be the place everyone went into hiding. That bit of news appears to warm Jhamal up some. He thanks him.
“Thanks for everything,” I say to Grag. “You’re free to go.”
“What?” Grag asks.
“Look, if you’re making the Chancellor’s life harder, I’m not gonna stop you. Thank the Macazi when you see them.”
“N-no way, really?” The creases around his eyes take years off his appearance. He reminds me of Tasha, caught in the crosshairs of a war that truly has nothing to do with him. “My mom has been worried sick, I’m sure. I give her her medicine every afternoon. It’s our thing.”
“Go to her. Show Bri the spots on the map. Then bounce. Maybe we’ll link again under different circumstances.”
He blinks for several moments before he’s engrossed in the map with Bri.
“You didn’t have to do that,” Jhamal says.
“No, but I thought about what you said. If he is truly working undercover for the Macazi, maybe they’ll learn they have nothingto fear from us.” Allies won’t hurt us in the fight ahead.
“And if he’s not? If he’s really the Chancellor’s pawn.”
My gut says it’s not true, but I’ve weighed that eventuality as well. “Then everyone he knows will know I could have killed him but didn’t. They will underestimate me, think me naive, weak. And perhaps not prepare as diligently as they could.” I meet his stare and pride glints there. “But we will be ready.”
His lips curl in a smile and I study them, remembering the way they felt on me. Could feel… if I… We’re closer somehow and reckless thoughts zip through my mind, courage welling in me. I could kiss him. I could do it. But Zora joins us, and I put some distance between him and me. I don’t want to be all hugged up in a PDA way. That’s rude.
“This news of the Chancellor knowing where our people are is a problem,” she says.
“We need to warn them,” Jhamal says.
“Totsi’s is right there,” I say, pointing. “We can’t turn back now. One of you should go back and warn them.”
They nod in agreement, but neither makes a move.
“Zora,” Jhamal says, “Kai is probably worried sick without you. It should be you.”
“Nice try. I gave my word to Kai. My charge is to keep an eye on Jelani and this mission to ensure its success. It should be you. Shaun’s a hothead. He could use you there to help simmer him.”
“She’s not wrong.” I turn to Jhamal and our fingers snap to each other’s like magnets. “In case Bati has had a time keeping everyone from each other’s throats, perhaps it should be you?”
“Is this about that person you keep texting on your watch?”
“Jhamal, what? No.” I hadn’t even realized he was watching thathard. “Julius is checking on things back home for me. That’s all. He’s, like, one of my best friends.”
“I will do this because you ask me. Not because I want to.”
Zora, sensing it’s a private moment, slinks off to observe the conversation with Bri and Grag.
“So that’s it then?” Jhamal wraps his arms around me, and I’m reminded of the comfort he gave me in that cell. The comfort I’m about to lose.
“Every time we separate, someone else dies.” His jaw clenches. “Do not let it be you.” His thumb brushes my lips. He’s not wrong. So much destruction. So much death.
“I will be back with a way to reach the Ancestors. I promise you.”
“Don’t promise me. Promise yourself. If I’ve learned anything from you, Jelani, it is that whatever you set your mind to do, whatever you promise yourself you will stand for, you do it.” His lip trembles, but he forces out his words. Trying to appear strong in that way he does. “So, do not fail yourself. Do not worry about failing me or any of us.” He brings my hand to his chest. “It is impossible for me to see you any more radiantly than I do.”
I don’t have words that would ease this ache. I get it, I do. But I see no other way. So I press my lips to his, hoping he feels everything I’ve wanted but struggled to say.
“Okay,” I breathe, breaking the kiss. “Let’s do this. Be together. I want to try.”
His lips melt into mine and heat fills me. His hand travels to my waist and he grips me firmly, pulling me into him, like I’m oxygen and he’s been starved of air. I come up for a breath, taking in all of him. Holding on to the sweetness of a moment that has nothing todo with war or destruction. Wishing life were less complicated and I could sit with him by the oceanside instead of in a cell. Sleep next to him under the stars instead of on a cave floor. Wishing I could be the love he deserves. I kiss him once more, tasting sweat on his lips, his stubbornness, strength. And I deepen the kiss, savoring everything that shines about him, everything that’s a mirror of myself. We pull apart and his lips are swollen from my eagerness.
