Page 35 of Ashes of Gold
“What?”
I sigh, pacing a few turns of the room.
“Jelani?” His tone tightens.
“Listen,” I say. “You’re not going to like this.”
He studies me.
“If I can’t find anything in the books here, I’m going to go back up there into the Central District. To Totsi’s.”
“Rue—”
“Alone.”
“I go with you.”
“And let everyone here kill one another? You missed it earlier, but Shaun and Kai were about to take each other’s heads off.”
“Agh. Shaun is… strong, a clear thinker, but when his passion gets the best of him… Beerchi, we…”
“You can’t possibly think fighting Kai is the way this needs to go. He was out of line. I’m not defending her, either, she’s got mad attitude. I’m just saying we can’t be fighting each other like this.”
“That is one way to look at it. You do not know Kai.”
“And I guess you do?” I hate the way the jealousy breaks through. That’s not me. That’s not who I am.
“Rue, you will not.”
“Bruh, that’s not up to you. Time is not on our side. I have a plan that gets us fighting, together.” I tuck the only book I haven’t finished under my arm. “Let’s get upstairs, after the Kowana Yachee…”
“Yeh-chi.”
“KowanaYechi, I’ll tell everyone my plan to prepare for the fight to come. I don’t want them thinking I’m going off on my own. I’m in this. All of us. Together. But this is the way. Fighting, together. I’m sure of it.”
He sighs.
“Everyone’s magic restored will be something they want.” It’s our only chance, really. The strategy wheels are turning.
A vein at his jaw pulses and he looks away.
“They’ll have to get behind this. This will work, Jhamal.” I facehim. “Look, I know you don’t like this because of how dangerous it is up there.”
“And youjustgot strong again, Jelani…. This is madness. We need time and planning and a leader. A council of leaders, reconnaissance. This should be done carefully. You said yourself we move as a unit, we move together!”
The last time we moved together, they were unprotected. I’m not letting that happen again. We will move together once their magic is restored.
“Yes, but I’m the only one who can do this. It takes magic to access magic.” He stands close to me, so close, his stare burns my skin.
“I do not like this.” His breath is warm on my forehead, and the ire in his eyes draws me in.
“I’m frustrated too.”
Silence.
It’s him who needs comfort now. I don’t want to muddy the water, get his hopes up….But, he is scared, hurting.I reach for his hand and the lines in his face disappear. The boy he is underneath all the armor smiles back at me. He’s iron, ferocious, but like me, a storm within. I lace my fingers more tightly between his, careful to keep our bodies from touching. It’s all this fractured version of myself can offer him right now. I hope it’s enough.
His chest sinks at my touch, his chin falls. It’s such a little thing, but it says everything I’ve struggled to put into words. I do care about him. I squeeze. I do wish we could get back to where we were. But how? In this midst of all this? As broken as the world is right now?As broken as I am.
