Page 25 of Ashes of Gold
“H-hi. Sorry.”
His lips split in a smile. “No, no, it’s okay.” He turns to face me fully, his braided beard grazing the floor. Blue stripes paint his cheeks.
“I am so pleased to see you are okay, child.” The stranger cups my hands. His eyes glisten and he gasps at the sight of my gilded arms.
“Thank you. I-I’m so glad you’re okay too.” I dig a toe into the ground.
He dips his head, backing away. I bite down, hard, and notice the scab in my palm I’ve been picking at is actually bleeding. I tug Bri along. Heads turn as we pass. I tuck my head between my shoulders, wishing I had my hoodie.
I plop at a table and Bri sits beside me. Many around us sit absorbed in their conversations, not even the slightest bit interested in me. But some side-eye me with a look that sends cold pricks down my spine. Is he really not here? Could Bati be… gone? Guilt shudders through me.
“Your mind is working a million miles a minute,” Bri says,pointing to my hand, which I hadn’t realized is pulling loose threads at the bottom of my shirt.
“Excuse me, Jelani?” A familiar little face shrouded in colorful beads speaks. Titube. She’s a little taller than the last time I saw her, but still only elbow high on me. I look for her mother, the kind woman who’d made the delicious grub last time I saw her. But she’s nowhere to be found. Titube stares up at me.
“My flower girl, Titube!” A smile tugs at my lips that I can’t fight off. Parched for some warmth, some joy, I squat and take in Titube’s smile, those perfect cheeks, the joy that dances in her eyes. It warms the parts of me frozen with worry.
Bri settles at a table, lost in her bag of gadgets, and I squat, pulling her into me for a hug, hoping she can feel my love, my care. Somehow, we will put this broken world back together. And it will be better, for her. For everyone. I squeeze her hand. “You’re literal sunshine, you know that?”
She smiles and I can count each one of her teeth. She curls one hand around the other like she did the first time we met, and this time a flower with gold petals appears. Her magic is fragile, stunted like all of theirs, but she knows this flower trick well. “For you,” she says.
“You’re so good at that.” I pick it up gently, but its crinkled petals turn to dust. A gust of wind steals them, and her smile blows away with it. She sulks away deflated.
“Titu—” But she doesn’t turn back.
“Her mother did not make it.” Jhamal appears out of nowhere. His words cut like a blade.
I did this.
He strokes my hand and for a moment I let him.
“Did you find Bati?” he asks, massaging the tension out of my hand, like he just knows I’m a ball of stress. There’s a sense of longing in his expression. And yet his words come out measured. How is he so calm? How can he look at the size of this crowd, know how his home has been desecrated, and not be furious with me? I’m furious with myself.
“No.” There are hundreds of people here, maybe I just haven’t found him yet.
“I know it’s a lot. You are doing great.”
I snatch my hand from his and his expression crinkles.
“How can you say that to me?” My voice is louder than I mean it to be.
“Jelani, I’ve told you so man—”
“No, how can you look at this place, then look at me and see anything but—” My eyes sting.
Heads turn our way. I sigh.
“You know what, never mind.” I won’t do this. Not here. I have a plan and it’s the only thing keeping me upright on my feet. Even if I can’t find Bati, someone knows where the texts are. I will find a spell or some way to restore our magic. I will.
“Rue.” He never calls me that unless he feels like he’s not getting through to me. He throws an arm over my shoulder, making light of the situation, and the nosy stares we were getting dissolve. He ushers me to a shaded corner of the room. He takes my hands in his and pulls me into a hug. “I’m on your side,” he says, sadness shading his expression.
Everything in me wants to push him away. But here in thiscorner, with no one looking, when my head and heart feel like they might burst from the pressure of it all, the reality of what I’ve done, not a memory, but staring me right in my face, I can’t even find the strength to do that. He is a wall around me, his chest hard against my face, like he’s determined to hold me up, no matter how sure I am my knees might falter.
“You’re going to get through this.Our peopleare going to get through this.”
A single tear rolls down my cheek, and I turn into him fully and let it. He holds me a moment longer before I smooth my cheek clear and put some space between us. I don’t know what’s sustaining me at this point, but my next words come out easier.
“Thanks.”
