Page 128 of Ashes of Gold
Magic flies from my fingers straight through his eye sockets. The ground beneath him buckles and he cries, clawing at his eyes. Taavi pulls herself out of his grasp, shock stamped on her face.
“He doesn’t love you,” I tell her. “And nothing you do can ever change that. He isn’t worthy of your love.” She clutches her side, and Bri grabs her, ready with a jar of minty paste in hand.
Now, I’m done.
“Why even do that? Give her a second chance?” someone mutters behind me.
“She had to see his heart for herself.” I turn to face them. “Mercy isn’t a weakness. Like stubbornness, you just have to know when to wield it.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
IFIND JHAMAL ON Araised bed in the shade of a jpango tree, the light in his eyes dim.
I crouch beside him and he winces, trying to turn to me.
“I never meant to hurt you, Jelani. Causing you pain is the worst…”
“N-no, don’t try to speak if it hurts.” I pull him into me. Confused, sad, angry. There’s so much blood, the soil is soaked.
“No, you must know. The truth of everything.” He holds on tight to me. “When I came for you in that lab the first time, thanks to a Patrol I had turned my way, I realized you were so angry with yourself for what had happened, how you failed. So I looked to magic. I did not know how to brew a potion, but I studied the books. Forgetting would be best. A gift in a sort of way. I had hoped it could give you the focus and confidence to rise to all the Ancestors see in you. But when I gave it to you, you became so weak. I-I didn’t know that would be a side effect. I read nothing about that in any book.” He groans.
“Please, if it hurts, don’t—”
“No, I need to say this.” He tightens his grip on my hand. “You still remembered parts of the battle. I didn’t know what to do. I’d made this whole mess trying to force what I thought should happen.Like I did with Bati, trying to get you on the throne.” A tear rolls down his cheek. “I spent every day putting you back together. I was determined to make up for what I’d done, and live out my love for you, even if it killed me.” He coughs, his hand slipping off his wound. It’s deep and I press my hand to it as if I can make it go away.
He wraps his hand around mine. “I could have prevented this in some way. Or should’ve… I…”
I smooth his tear away as mine begin to flow.
“I-I’m sorry, my Queen. I struggled to see you, all of you, right in front of me, and trust you fully. Instead, I tried to take things into my own hands. It is a lesson I learned with Kai, too.”
“But, Kai, I-I thought…”
“I would never put you in harm’s way on purpose.” He strokes my face. “Kai was being pressured to kill you. And I know her well. Under the right circumstances, she might have done it. I couldn’t let that happen. I had to keep Kai close, so she trusted me and would tell me everything. I had to make her believe it was her I wanted. Play into her vanity. It was never true. I never touched her. She tried, but there was always an excuse I’d find.” He unfolds my fingers, pressing my palm. “You see, even when I wasn’t with you, you held my heart in your hand. I only kept her close, pretended to plot to murder my brother, t-to protect you.” He brushes a hair out of my face. “My Queen.” His words are a sputter and they break me. “She has an evil streak, that one. But there is good in her too. It was my hope she would be won over by your tender heart, your strength, wisdom.”
“Pleasedon’t die,” I beg.
He ignores me, filling the last of our time together with words he’s held so long, and I cry harder.
“We’re the same, you and I. In so many ways. I do not judge you for being angry with me. I would have been angry too. It is I that am sorry. I should have never taken memories from you. I should have never lied. Even for good intention. I felt it my duty to see you on that throne. But even duty can sometimes cloud vision. You trusted me and I made a mess of that.” He shudders.
“N-no.” I smooth the tears off my face. “I understand now. I…” I squeeze his fingers. “It’s okay.”
“I see through your armor… and I guess I hoped you could see through mine. It is why we are so perfect together. It’s always been for you. Everything.Ihave always been for you, my Queen.”
Tears stream down my face, and I kiss his forehead, his fingers, the back of his hand, wishing time would slow. Wishing I could take so many things back.
“Memi told me when I was little of a word from the Ancestors’ she had received. The cuffs that would call a great warrior to our home to avenge us. I told her I was Beerchi, none braver, none more loyal. I would protect this Special One. Memi let me train every day until the moon gave way to the sun. I trained and trained before there were whispers of your footsteps on this island. I prayed to the Ancestors to give me the courage to do whatever it took to preserve their Chosen. Falling in love with you wasn’t part of the plan, but it was the best part of anything I ever did.”
I weep uncontrollably, face pressed against his chest.
“Jhamal.” The words are raw. “I love you, too. So much. I’m sorry… I’m so, so sorry.” I loop my fingers between his. “Hear me, I love you. I have loved you since you knit together my wounds in that cell, since you told me stories to fall asleep andnursed me back to health. Jhamal, I love you.”
“You cannot hide your love for me any more than you can hide the nose on your face. It is in those tears that you cry and the way you touch my hand. I savor it all. Every moment. Every breath.”
I weep, my chest a knot.
“You are my life and have been for so long.” He groans in my arms and I pull him closer, pressing on his wound as hard as I can. But in seconds my hand swims in blood.
