Page 113 of Ashes of Gold
“So?” she says.
“OO?” I swallow. “I mean, so?”
“I know that look,” she says, leveling her eyes at me. “You pop up without a call.”
Rojala sets her fork down on her empty plate. Her eyes fall to the floor. “This is my fault.”
“No! I brought you here. It’s okay.”
“Rue,” Julius says, his tone tight. “We gotta go, fam. You know this.”
Ms. Leola sets a hand on my knee, which is bouncing out of control. “I’m listening, baby.”
Each breath is fragile in my chest, like if I breathe in too deep, I’ll shatter into a million pieces. I just want to eat and sit and be home. Be here, in East Row, with everything I know. I hug around myself and spill. I tell Ms. Leola about everything, from the Seer’s prophecy to me accusing Bri, the Yakanna, Jhamal’s betrayal, the Ancestors.
“Not Sir Chocolate, he was sofine,” Tasha says, and I slap her shoulder.
“Shut up, this is serious.”
She glances at Rojala, studying her tattered shirt and smudged face and mouths,sorry. Julius takes another tentative bite of food. Rojala stares at me like she can’t believe the words coming out of my mouth. Like she sees through me finally. Like I’m not the fearless person she’d once thought.
“So you have this big problem and you don’t know how to fix it,” Ms. Leola says. “So you ran here for a bite to eat?”
My cheeks burn in shame.
“Listen, baby, them folks over there saidyougotta do it.” She pokes my chest. “You. I want you to think about all that means for your Ancestors to sayyouare the one to do it. Think about what they’ve been through, all they’ve overcome. Your Ancestors on your mother’s side, too. You’re bred from the best stock, child. It doesn’t get any more rich or capable or tenacious. Dr. King marched down them streets, dogs attacking his legs. Rosa sat on that bus, went to jail for it. Your daddy’s people were chased into hiding on that island, killed off, stolen from. And yet, still… what Maya say?”
Heat flushes my cheeks. “I rise.”
“Consider everything those Ghizoni have seen in their lives and they believeyouare the one to lead them through it. You think they don’t know what they talking about?”
“I don’t know the first thing about any of this. I screw up time and time again. And now my people at each other’s throats and I don’t know what to do. I have no idea how we can survive this. This ain’t me, Ms. Leola. It’s too…”
“Remember when you took that trip up to Brown University with your mama?”
I nod. We ain’t have extra money for a hotel or plane ticket soMoms packed up the car and we drove it straight, slept in the car, did the tour, and drove back. It rained the whole way, but when I stepped out on that campus, the sun had chased all the clouds away. And I knew I was meant to be there.
“And you remember what you told me right there…” She points at the doorway. “In front of yo mama?”
Tears sting my eyes. I do. The truth of it knots me up inside. I’ve been here before, not literally but in so many other ways. “I-I said if that school let me in, I’d figure out how to make it there.”
“You woulda been a fish out of water then, too. What you know about your people over in Ghizon?”
“That the Ghizoni name came from the God of Light when they gifted magic to my Ancestors to fill the world with good. I know the armor we wear is trimmed in ripples to mimic the ocean around our homeland. The carvings and gems embedded into the metal signify the power and richness woven into who we are.” I sit up straighter. “I know we pray to the gods for favor and again always in thanks. We keep our right sides bare.” I touch the ring in my hair. “To honor love and the role it plays.”
Zora’s face swirls in my memory. And Kai. And Shaun. And little Titube with her golden flower. And even… Jhamal. His face rattles through my mind like faint echoes of a gong I’m straining to hear. I’m furious with him, but love tethers us, and I’m not sure that’ll ever go away. I actually think it makes me hate him more.
“I know we dance even after loss to cling to joy. I know we fight as a unit, side by side, because we are only as strong as our weakest. We cover each other, protect each other. We’d prefer to die fighting for what we believe in than live in the shadow of oppression. I know alot, I guess. But I definitely don’t have all the answers.”
“You don’t have to.” It’s Rojala who speaks this time. “It’s okay to try something and mess up. And learn from it.”
I grin at her parroting. Now that I think on it, I did negotiate to bring on an ally for my people. Hundreds to fight on our side. And I’ve kept them alive. I intercepted an electronic Loyalist transmission, and I know what the Chancellor’s up to, at least somewhat. I went against the status quo when it wasn’t cool to do. I secured a spell to raise the dead, for goodness’ sake. I evenspoketo my Ancestors.
I stand up from the table, my wrists catching a glint of sunlight from the window.
Ms. Leola winks. “I get it, baby. Sometimes you gotta remember where you came from, to understand the purpose in where you going.”
She’s so right. I’ve been so busy asking everyone else for answers, so busy looking to someone else to fix this, to lead. So convinced that girls from the hood don’t wear crowns, I didn’t realize I’ve been leading this entire time. Carving a path. Doing something I’ve never seen someone like me do before.
