Page 119 of Revolve
“Stop.” He cups my face gently. When he communicates, even in his most frustrated moments, he never yells. I can tell he’s angry, but he only approaches me with patience because he knows it’s what I respond to.
“Tell me why you’re so scared of this. Why can’t you just trust that I made this decision of my own free will? Why don’t you believe that I’d want to stay with you?”
“Because it doesn’t work like that.” Not for me, at least. I know Dylan’s not Justin, and our partnership is nothing like it was with him, but he said these things too. He said them over and over until I believed him. Until I’d decided that was it, but then I wasn’t enough. Again.
“You really think I could just leave? As if that’s ever been an option for me.”
“I don’t have expectations for anyone—”
“I don’t give a fuck what you expect from other people. But I do care about what you expect from me, because I’ll do everything in my power to give you that and ten times more.”
“Nobody wants to put in that much effort.”
“I’m standing here, telling you that I do.”
I shake my head. “I just don’t want you jumping into something you don’t know. I can’t give you some happy, carefree version you’re used to with girls. I have insecurities and I’ve been hurt before. And it’s not your responsibility to have to prove any of them wrong.”
“You don’t have to ask me to prove it. I want to,” he says. “I’m here for all of you. All the parts that you think are broken are just more for me to love.”
You’re going to ruin him. Take all his good years and leave him nothing. Just like you did to Justin.“You have this entire sport and people who love you. You don’t need me.”
“I don’t go a day without thinking about where you are or what you’re doing. I want you, I need—God, I’m fucking nothing without you. Don’t you see that?”
I swallow the lump in my throat, unable to process his words. Or not allowing myself to.
“I love you, Sierra. On your darkest days, the good days, and all the ones in between. Show me your worst, baby, and I’ll show you just how far my heart can stretch for you.”
I love you, ice queen.My brain feels like it doesn’t work, like it’s reverted to the last time I heard those words. My heart gives a near-fatal squeeze.
How did I trick him into thinking I’m worth loving?
Dylan’s eyes plead with mine. “I’m not asking you to say it back. But I need you to know that I love you and I love skating with you. Those are facts, but neither influenced my decision. I’m skating because I want to. I quit hockey because I want to. Because if I’m being honest, it’s never fulfilled me the way skating has these past few months. I won’t take that for granted.”
My eyes start to sting, and Dylan must see it, because he pulls me into his arms like I’m meant to be there. Like I haven’t been running from this exact place. He holds me like all those ugly parts of me fit seamlessly in the space he creates. The parts that never feel like me when they come out, that so many people hate me for. Dylan doesn’t do that. Dylan doesn’t hate me for anything.
I pull away, but I already miss him. That scares the shit out of me. A panic sets in. I just need a second—justsomethingto clear my messed-up head. “You’ve given up so much for me. I feel like I haven’t done anything for you.”
“That’s not what this relationship is,” he says roughly. “Just tell me what you need, and I’ll be that for you.”
“You’re perfect, Dylan.”I just don’t know if I am. He became the exact partner I needed. How much more can I take from him? “We should slow down,” I finally say.
He tries to hide it, but I see the rejection rooting its place inside him. I hate myself for it. “You want to break up?”
“No!” I reach for him. “I would never want that. I just think we’ve been together for every second of this semester, and I can’t seem to think straight when I’m with you.”
“Tell me what you’re thinking, and I’ll sort it all out for you.”
There’s a fire in my chest. “It’s not only about me. I want you to get to bejustDylan. We’ve gotten so tangled up in each other, I’d hate for either of us to lose any part of ourselves.”Like hockey.It’s an out; I’m letting him cut his losses early. He deserves that much.
Dylan swallows, his voice thick with emotion. “For you, I’ll go at any pace you need. I’ll match you stride for stride, baby. You can take your time, but when you’re done, I’ll still be right here, waiting for you to fall back into my arms. Because there’s no part of me I want to get back, if I’m losing the most important one.”
He kisses my forehead and reluctantly lets me go. There’s still something harder that lingers behind his eyes, but he doesn’t stay long enough for me to see it. When the door clicks shut behind him, I take my propranolol, just in case, and I crawl back into bed. It’s only when Scarlett comes home minutes later, and gets into bed with me, that I realize I’m crying. She doesn’t ask what happened, and I know Dylan asked her to stay with me. Though I’m sure she was already planning on it because she hands me a family-size bag of Reese’s peanut butter cups.
FORTY-TWO
SIERRA
Dylan:I miss you, baby.
