Page 63 of Begin Again
“You look pretty on your knees, Beau Turner.” My statement makes him laugh—a hearty, full belly laugh—and the sound makes me smile. Finally catching my breath, I stand to meet him, draping my arms over his broad shoulders. His hands rest on my hips.
“You sure you wanna do this, Nin?” he asks, gaze never leaving mine.
“A little late for that, isn’t it?”
Beau shakes his head. “Not if you want to stop. I’ll walk away…No hard feelings and no questions asked.”
I trace the side of his face before pushing my fingers through his hair, tugging at the ends, earning a grunt in response. I don’t deserve the man in front of me. The same way I didn’t deserve Nick. Both men too good for the world we live in. The world I live in. “Beau, I can’t give myself to you. Not in the way you deserve…I just…I’m not there yet.”
“I know, Nina.” He pushes the dark waves behind my shoulder, cupping my face. “I’d never push you.”
“I meant what I said earlier…I can promise you tonight, but that’s all I can offer.”
“Then let’s stop wasting it.”
Beau pulls me in for a kiss that will forever be burned in the back of my mind. He kisses me the way every woman wants to be kissed—soft, yet rough all the same. He devours me. He isn’t trying to win a battle, seeking only the closeness of another person who yearns for the same thing he does. Two people sharing the same breath…the same sensation…the same moment.
Fisting the cloth of his T-shirt, I pull him closer, and I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks as his tongue dances with mine, tasting me as if he’s been deprived—quick and delicious, then firmer and more determined. There’s a yearning deep inside me to make him feel as good as he’s making me…made me. Something tells me Beau hasn’t often been awarded the same opportunities he has given others, and I can’t wait to show him what it’s like…
The morning light shines through the windows of the guest room as I watch Beau sleep. Last night, I couldn’t bring myself to enter the same room I had with my husband so many times, instead opting for one of the many guest rooms. My eyes trace the dips and curves of Beau’s strong body, committing every inch to memory as his chest rises and falls with each slumbering breath. The scents of blue cypress and vetiver, with a hint of the coast, cling to him, and when he shifts beside me, the sunlight catches the curve of his jaw as his dark hair falls across his forehead.
I woke up about an hour ago but haven’t been able to force myself to climb out of bed yet. Because once I do…this all ends. And when it ends…I go back to being Davina Villa: widow, mother, and CEO; but when I’m with Beau, I get to be just…Nina.
Last night was the first time I felt like I could breathe again. Like I wasn’t barely keeping my head above water, at risk of drowning in depths of uncertainty. No one in the family understands the massive weight crushing down my chest every time I think of my husband. The guilt knowing that had we not fought before Nick left, maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t have gone hiking by himself. I knew the only reason we had been fighting so much was because I chose my career over my family, and it killed me to know Nick left thinking he and Elena weren’t enough for me. They were all I ever truly needed. I’d give it all up for them.
I close my eyes, willing away the monster of grief trying to deepen the grasp it has on my mind, but my attempts are useless. The past nine months have been anything but easy. They’ve been the biggest fucking rollercoaster of emotion and grief and hopelessness I’ve ever experienced, a pain far worse than the one I felt when my dad died almost ten years ago.
And now…if anyone finds out what I’ve done—whatwe’vedone—they’d never forgive me. They’d never forgive Beau. My family would never look at either one of us the same.
I can’t let Beau know. I refuse to let him think I regret what happened between us. Because…I don’t. I don’t regret what we did. I only regret not waiting until I could fully offer myself to him. Beau Turner is a good man—too good—and he deserves better than this. Deserves better than me. Better than the fucked world my life is rooted so deeply in.
Tears cloud behind my lids, refusing to be willed away, and a few slide down my cheeks. I’ve made a complete mess of things and have no idea how to clean it up.
Beau shifts beside me and a warm hand drags up my back, along my spine, until it settles on the nape of my neck. He pulls me toward him, pressing a kiss against my forehead. “Mornin’, Sweetheart,” he murmurs.
I wipe my cheeks, hoping he hasn’t seen the tears already. His eyes are still heavy with sleep, but he smiles at me, and it pulls one of my own out from the depths of my core.
“Did you sleep at all?” he asks, and I lean into his touch when he traces the side of my face.
“A little. I don’t sleep much anymore.”
Beau hums in response, pulling me back into his chest. “I have to go soon,” he whispers against my hair. “I gotta meet Max at the station.”
“Okay,” I say, because what else is there to say?
“Okay,” he agrees, and the weight of the word chips away at the small piece he had mended back together.
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
February 2029
MY ASSISTANT SYDNEY COMES running into my office with wide eyes. She braces on the door, catching her breath, to say, “Nina, there’s someone here to see you. I tried to tell her you were busy, but she said she didn’t care. She says she’s—”
“Your mother.” Brina stands behind Sydney with an unimpressed expression. Her thin brows are peaked and her lips are drawn into a tight line.What is she doing here?I haven’t seen this woman in over nine years and there hasn’t been a single day in all those years that I’ve found myself missing her. “Hello, Davina,” she says, and a sickening smile spreads across her red-painted lips. She pushes Sydney out of the way to finally walk through the door.
“Stai scherzando. Cazzo.”I sigh.You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
“Nina?” Sydney asks, an unsure look in her eye.
