Page 71 of Begin Again
“Oh, Nina!” Alyssa held her hand to her chest. “I didn’t hear you come in.”
“Where’s Nick?” I asked.
Alyssa reminded Elena to rinse her mouth after she spat, and with a dramatic eye roll, my daughter did as she was told.“He asked me if I’d stay until you got home, something about needing to get out to Colorado early.”
My stomach dropped.
Nick left. Without saying goodbye. Was he reallythatmad? I never thought he’d leave for the bachelor party without saying goodbye. We’d had our fair share of arguments—what couple doesn’t?—but things had never seemed this bad before.
“I was supposed to call him in a few so Elena could say goodnight, but since you’re home...”
“I’ll do it.” I nod. “You’re free to head home. And Alyssa, you can take tomorrow off. I’m going to work from home.”
Alyssa’s brows raised, curious, but she didn’t question it. She hung Elena’s towel on the bar and said her goodbyes.
“I missed you, Momma,” Elena said, snuggling into my side when I kneeled to her level.
“I’ve missed you, too, my girl.” I gathered her in my arms and squeezed her tight, kissing her hair.
“Can we call Daddy?”
“Of course. Go get into bed and I’ll call him, okay?” I gave Elena a small push and she took off to her room. I sighed when she was out of earshot, pulling my phone out of my pocket, praying he would answer.
I stared at my reflection on the phone screen for what felt like ten minutes as the phone rang. A second before it ended, the screen opened to his side. The camera stared up at the ceiling, a distant conversation in the background before he picked it up and we were face-to-face, but not how I had hoped when I left work earlier that night. Neither of us said anything until I finally broke the silence. “You left.”
Nick blinked away from the phone briefly and then back. The warmth of his whiskey-golden eyes was missing.
“This isn’t us, Nick.”
He sighed. “Nina—”
“This isn’t how we handle things. Not anymore.” In the background, I can hear Josh calling for him. “You’re obviously busy. Tell Elena goodnight, then you can go.”
I don’t wait for his response, walking into Elena’s room. I handed her the phone, took two steps back to stand at the foot of her bed, and listened as Elena recounted her entire day, which I was sure she had done before he left. But Nick listened like it was the very first time.
“G’night, Daddy.” Elena blew a kiss to the phone.
“Good night, Little Bird. I love you. Be good for your momma, okay?”
“Mhmm! When you come home?”
“Just a few nights. I’ll be home when you get back from Florida with Grandpa.”
Elena held out her pinky finger to the screen. “You double-dog promise?”
“Promise,” Nick said, and I knew he was doing the same thing. It was something Elena had picked up on after watching us do it over the years—except she added the “double-dog promise,” mixing up “double-dog dare” and “promise,” but we went with it anyway.
“You wanna talk to Momma?” Elena asked.
“Tell your momma I have to help Uncle Josh, but I love her.”
“Daddy says he loves you!” Elena shouted toward me over the screen, and I could only offer her a small smile before I heard the sound of his disconnection. “Sam I Am?”
“Of course, Bird,” I said, fingering the thin orange book from the shelf and settling into bed next to her. I recited the book almost from memory as my mind wandered to the man on the other side of the screen more than two thousand miles away.
And now, standing in front of my vanity, what I wouldn’t give to go back to that moment and tell Nick I loved him, too, or beg him to tell Josh to hold on for five more minutes so we couldtalk. What if I had pushed harder? Would he still have gone out for the hike? Would he still be here?
I open the third drawer of Nick’s dresser and pull out the old Boston University sweater faded from years of wear—between the two of us, I think it’s seen more action than most things in either of our wardrobes. It still faintly smells like him when I pull it over my head and bring the collar to my nose, even though I’m sure it’s only my imagination. There’s no way it couldstillsmell like him. Nonetheless, the notion is comforting as the earthy scents of cedar and cardamom fill my senses.
