Page 70 of Begin Again
“I believe it.” Tessa used to spoil me whenever I’d go to her diner in Winchester. She has always been a kind soul, acting like more of a mother to me than my own. Every time Daddy and I would go into Honeybee’s Cafe, she’d be waiting with a stack of Funfetti pancakes for me and a newspaper and a black coffee for Daddy. Tessa would slide into the booth next to him with a toothy grin and little to no space between them. Over the years,I had watched their relationship blossom, but nothing ever came out of it, only a little flirting here and there. Despite my mother’s actions over the years, my dad would never step out on her. I had hope for him and Tessa when he finally decided to divorce Brina…until he passed. Tessa was heartbroken when Daddy died, like most people who knew him, and I thought introducing her to Jimmy would give them both a friend with something in common. I never thought they’d be anything more than friends, but I couldn’t have been happier when they decided to start dating.
“So,” Jimmy says, pulling a water bottle from the fridge. “You wanna talk about it?”
“Whichit?”
“Any of ’em.”
I swirl the red liquid against the sides of my glass, letting it rise and fall with each flick of my wrist. It almost crests the rim but falls back down before it can.
“How ’bout we start with something easy?” I doubt whatever he’s about to suggest will be an easy topic of conversation. “Something happen with Alex earlier?”
After our conversation in my office, Alex stormed up the stairs and out of the house. The whole thing left the others stunned and confused, and even from downstairs, I could hear the murmurs trying to figure out what happened. When I came upstairs about thirty minutes later, I didn’t say anything about it, and neither did anyone else. Alex returned about an hour ago and we’ve kept our distance since.
My tongue swipes my bottom lip before I pull it between my teeth. “It’s nothing. We had a…disagreement.”
“Pretty heated disagreement from the sound of it.” Jimmy reaches over to cover my hand with his own, squeezing my hand. “Nina, you can talk to me.”
“Jimmy—”
“Did he say something out of line?”
I could tell Jimmy what happened, but it won’t change anything. It won’t change how Alex feels about this situation or how he feels about me. Getting Jimmy involved won’t fix things. I think it’ll make things worse. “He’s worried about the wedding coming up next month.”
“Worried because Nick won’t be here?” Jimmy asks, almost a little incredulously, and sighs when I nod. “Well, my dear, as much as it pains any of us to consider, it’s something we have to accept. Think about why we’re here! It’s not for spring break, as much as I would like it to be.”
I fight the tears collecting in my eyes and look away from him to dab them away with the sleeve of my sweater.
“Nina.” His tone is fatherly, and he waits until I finally relent and look at him, giving me a teary smile. “You have done so much for this family—formyfamily—and I will never forget that. You have worked endlessly to bring Nick home. And when the time is right, all your hard work will pay off. I’m sure of it.” Jimmy pulls me into a tight embrace, eliciting a sob from deep within me.
It’s in moments like this when I miss my father most. Daddy would’ve known what to do. I have no doubt that had he been here, Kai wouldn’t have hidden the truth from me and Nick would’ve been found within hours of going missing. Nick probably wouldn’t have gone missing because my brother would’ve never taken a leave of absence from the company if Daddy was still alive. I wouldn’t have taken over and Nick and I wouldn’t have been on thin ice. The whole fight leading up to his disappearance wouldn’t have happened in the first place…
But my father isn’t here, so a hug from Jimmy is the closest thing I can get, and I cling to him.
Jimmy kisses the top of my head before pulling back to look at me. “You’re an amazing woman, mother, wife, and businessowner. I’m proud of you, Nina.” A tear slips down my cheek, but he wipes it away. “It’s okay to let your guard down sometimes. You don’t have to be strong all the time.”
The same advice Daddy used to give me.
Jimmy wipes another tear from my face, but I can see tears building in his blue eyes. The color of his eyes is a softer blue than the ones that sat across from me earlier. “I love you, Nina. And I know that wherever my son is…was…he’d do everything he can to get back to you because he loves you, too.”
With a final squeeze, Jimmy returns to the living room, and I retreat to the safety of my bedroom. My feet move so fast that it feels like walking on air as I climb the stairs of the turret.
Walking into my bathroom, I grip the edge of the white marble vanity, trying to push down all the emotion clawing its way to the surface. I take a deep breath and flick on the hot faucet, letting the water run until steam rises. Filling my hands, I splash my face, looking in the mirror. The woman who stares back is not the same woman who stood here last year or the year before. The weight of the past three hundred and sixty-four days shows itself in my features. Despite years of diligent skin care and hydration, the signs of age are still there. I’m only thirty-four, but the formation of wrinkles in the corner of my eyes has started. Gray hairs have begun to pop up here and there. Constant dark circles rim my eyes under layers of concealer and foundation, something I’ve never had to do before. Makeup was always a choice, never a necessity. I feel like I developed more curves after having Elena, no matter what I do, they stay in place.
Nick never seemed to mind, though. He seemed to crave my body even more after I became a mother, worshipping it in a way only he knew how. And when I’d feel down about myself, my husband always made me feel better—even if only a little bit.
I hang my head and slam the faucet closed. I wish we could skip tomorrow and jump straight into Monday. Straight to getting on the plane that will take me to the other side of the country and far away from here. How can it already be a year since he left? It feels like it was just yesterday, but also a lifetime ago, all at the same time.
“I miss you,” I whisper to the air around me. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and feel the burn behind my eyes. “I needed you—weneeded you—and you…left.” I try to withhold a sob. “How could you just leave me?”
I don’t get an answer.
I never get an answer.
I should’ve fought harder for that final conversation…I should’ve told him I loved him. When I walked in the door the night after our final confrontation about the flowers, I fully expected Nick to be there, cooled down and ready to talk. Instead, I was met with a silent condo filled with inky black shadows. I had checked my watch to verify the time. It was too early for him to be in bed, but not late enough for Elena. I shouldered off my black overcoat, hanging it in the entry closet, and stepped out of my boots, leaving them under the table. Walking farther inside, I heard the faint sounds of giggles and the bath faucet being turned off—the sounds of Elena’s bedtime routine.
My relief evaporated when I turned the corner to find Elena and her nanny, Alyssa, in the bathroom. Why was Alyssa still here?
“Momma!” Elena garbled the word around her toothbrush.
