Page 119 of Begin Again
The graduation ceremony goes about as well as one would expect. Elena beams from the stage, and for a moment the image of her all grown-up, receiving her high school diploma flashes before my eyes. Before I can wipe the tears in my eyes, my husband wraps his arm around my shoulders with a gentle squeeze and kisses my temple.
“I love you,” he whispers against my hair.
“I love you more,” I say, turning to meet his own teary gaze.
Nick isn’t rude after the ceremony but isn’t particularly nice either. He and Beau shake hands, but my husband keeps his distance to maintain a level of cordiality. Jimmy, on the other hand, hugs Beau the moment we stand up. When Elena is released from the line, she runs straight to her father but wiggles out of his arms the second she sees Beau. I make a mental note of who she ran to first like I always do, in case I need to remind my husband who she loves most.
Nick
“So, I have a question,” my wife says, walking into the kitchen after she puts Tobias to bed. Our son is vastly different from his sister at this age—he’s wild and manic and adventurous—but the one thing that remains the same is his sleep schedule. Even at six months, he sleeps almost through the night.
Elena crashed about thirty minutes ago. She didn’t even fight it like normal, asking me to put her to bed when she couldn’t keep her eyes open a second longer. Normally, she would still be up for another hour, but after the day she had, I can’t say I’m surprised.
I’m running on fumes myself.
After graduation, we had dinner with the whole family, including Beau, at Elena’s request. She pleaded with him to join us as he looked up from her to meet my stare. I wanted to say no, but I nodded, and he finally agreed.
Beau’s eyes widened when he walked through the door of our new Upper East Side penthouse, and Elena reminded him it wasn’t polite to stare. The last time he was in town, we still lived at the Plaza, but we had outgrown that condo. Now that we lived in the city full time and had another body in the house, we needed more space, much to Michaela’s dismay. We gained one hundred additional square feet compared to the condo she and Finn owned on Park Row. It had become the running joke that their condo was the one thing my cousin had that my wife didn’t (i.e. a bigger condo). Nina rolled her eyes and laughed every time it got brought up, but Michaela fiercely defended herself. Do with that information what you will.
“What’s that?” I ask without looking up from the design I’ve been working on at the breakfast nook. Everyone left about an hour ago, including Beau, who was set to fly back to Colorado tonight.
“Is the reason for these two marks on my neck because you knew Beau was coming today?” Her accusation catches my attention, and I look up to meet emerald eyes sparkling with a hint of mischief. “I’m only asking because it took me an extra five minutes this morning trying to cover them up.”
“I’m not dignifying that question with an answer.”
She sighs. “I’ll take that as a yes.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes, you do.” Nina slides into the booth next to me, placing her hand on mine when I try to return to work. “Nick, I love you, but these feelings you have about Beau being around—”
“Dee, it’s not…” It’s my turn to sigh, lifting my hand from her grasp before I scrub it down my face. “I don’t hate him. I don’t particularly like that he’s around for some of these big events, but I see how it makes Elena light up and I could never take that from her.”
“Then why—”
“Because of the way he looks atyou,Nina.” I cover my face with both hands and rub my eyes with the heel of my palms.
I know I shouldn’t hold on to the fear that one day she will wake up and leave me for him, but I can’t help it. I’m not whole. I’m not completely myself. Some memories are still foggy, and others I’ve only remembered over time. I’ve seen her eyes narrow when she says things and I don’t get them right away or remember at all. I worry that one day she’ll grow tired of dealing with someone who can’t always remember everything anymore. Someone who isn’t all there.
“Nina, I—I…”
She looks at me expectantly.
Do I tell her the truth? Do I tell her how unworthy I feel to be here? She deserves someone who can be wholly who she needs them to be. She deserves better. Our children deserve better.
“Dee, I’m sorry.” Taking both of her hands in mine, I turn my body toward her and look up to find confusion in her eyes. “I love you so fucking much, Davina Bay. And I am trying my damnedest to be everything you need me to be. That our kids need me to be. But I’m not…There are days I wake up and I’m worried it’ll be the day you decide it’s not enough…That I’m not enough.”
“What are you talking about? Nick, you—”
“I am not whole, Dee. I still forget things. I’m still dealing with my own issues from my time away, from what happened on the trail. I—I’m still catching up to you.” Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, I caress her cheek. “And Beau…Beau doesn’t have to do that. He is whole and he can give you things I can’t. Not anymore. When I see how he looks at you and Elena—hell, even Tobias—I know he loves you.”
“Così anche tu,Nick,” Nina says with a light scoff.So do you.
She catches me off guard after that, speaking so fast in Italian that I can barely keep up. I miss a few words here and there. Her words are a ramble of emotions, and not understanding why I can’t accept her choices. Desperate to know why I continue to try to push her away…
“Is it enough for you?” I ask. My voice is a low whisper, but it breaks her spell. I’m afraid her answer will beno. I’m even more afraid her answer will beyesand she’ll only say it because she feels obligated to. The inner workings of my mind are a deep, dark place sometimes, telling me the only reason Nina took me back is because shehadto. That she doesn’t want me…Doesn’t love me. “Is it enough that even though I love you more than life itself, I’m not—” I take a deep breath, swallowing the tears. “I may stumble and fall. I am not the same person I used to be. And I don’t know I’ll ever behimagain.”
“Yes.” Nina takes my face between her hands, her thumbs grazing my cheeks. “Nick, you don’t have to be the same person. I just need you to beyou—whatever that means. And remember when you fall, I’ll be there to catch you.”
