Page 55 of Chalk Outline
“Do you know what I really want to tell him?” Winona’s voice snaps me back. Now, she’s lying on the couch, her eyelids fighting to stay open. Her voice is soft. Sleepy. “He always wore a steel expression to hide his internal scars, but that never fooled me. I was waiting for you to open up, even when you buried your pain so far down that it was caged inside you. I never heard your story. Not really. It’s a significant piece that could’ve helped me understand you better. Not because it defines you, but because knowing you from the inside out means I am part of you. Every inch of you. I would’ve embraced your demons, but you never gave me that chance. Our love was everything, yet you kept me out of harm’s way when I needed to feel that pain with you. I was always waiting foryou.”
Death has almost slapped me in the face dozens of times, yet she takes me down so easily with just one strike.
“I hate you for showing me love in its pure form. But I love you so much more that I don’t ever want to get over you.” She loses her grip on the radio. It slides down her folded arm as her eyes shut.
Through glossy eyes, I trace every inch of her.
Something deep inside me longs to hear her voice again because I can’t get enough of her.
“Hey, wake up,” I call.
I keep trying for several minutes with no luck. Just as I’m about to call it a night, she jerks awake, still drowsy.
“What’s the name of the circus you lived in?”
“You already know. I saw your notes when I went through your bag. What are they?” I stub out my second cigarette in the ashtray on the table and return to the railings.
“A source of information.”
“They sound strange.”
“Tell me about it.” She issues a low chuckle. “If you don’t want to discuss it, I’ll understand. Can you tell me more about what happened afterward?”
I clear my voice. “I wasn’t there for five years, and when I returned, someone told me that my mom had overdosed that day, and half of the circus burned, including the owner. Carnage Trolls was officially closed after.”
“By someone, you mean my grandma?”
I slowly nod. “Yes.”
She hums, “Interesting.”
“I think it’s time to head inside and close the door,” I say while she rolls to the side. “Come on. Don’t make me use my firearms to get you inside.”
She grunts. “Are you going to shoot me if I don’t?”
“No. I’ll give you a little push.” I laugh as I catch her adorable smile widening.
She lifts herself off the couch, gathers her things, and pulls herself through the door. “Happy?”
“Ecstatic.”
“Good night, spirit crusher.”
“Lights out, Little Demon.”
She turns off the lights and slips into bed. Her gentle breaths surround me as I recall the times she dozed off on my chest. Sound asleep. Trusting me with her life and entrusting her precious heart to me.
She showed me what it’s like to be loved.
Unconditionally.
To the point of no return.
I linger for a moment, scanning the area until I spot something moving in the shadows, approaching her tower. It’s pitch black out there, and my night vision gear is in the basement.
I grab the binoculars from the table and zoom in on it.
If that’s the bear, I don’t want to hurt him.
