Page 72 of Atlas & Miles
I nodded, pushing to my feet though they felt like lead as I dragged myself into my bathroom. Miles moved into the hall with an equal lack of vigor.
After quickly brushing my teeth and using the restroom, I hopped in the shower, washing the gel from my hair from the night before. Sorrow was threatening to drown me as I perfunctorily moved through the routine of bathing without really knowing what I was doing. After crying myself out just moments before in the arms of the man I loved, I felt numb.
Maybe that was good. Maybe it was the best I could hope for right now.
Would this be the rest of my life?
Miles stepped inside the restroom, shooting me a sad smile through the transparent curtain before turning toward the sink, brushing his teeth and washing his face with a notable lack of energy. Maybe he’d gone into numb mode, too.
When I finished, turned off the shower, and opened the curtain, Miles stood in front of me, fluffy towel held wide. With a sad but genuine smile, I stepped over the edge of the tub andinto his embrace. After a moment, he stepped back and dried me off slowly, sensually, inch by inch. We’d never done this before, but this felt good, right.
It also felt like goodbye.
I swallowed hard.I will not cry.But every act of tenderness from Miles challenged my resolve. As soon as I was dry, he hung my towel on the rack and handed me the coffee he’d set out of the way on the countertop. I took a sip of the perfectly sweetened milky liquid and sighed. “Thank you, baby.”
“Of course.” He nodded, his jaw set like he was trying not to break down again. It felt like a wall between us, and though I understood it—though I was doing the same thing—I fucking hated it.
I followed him back into my bedroom, where he reached for the coffee he’d left on a coaster atop the dresser. We had coasters everywhere since our drinks traveled around the house with us all the time.
Well . . .Ihad coasters everywhere. Miles didn’t live here. I hadn’t had time to ask him to move in with me before everything went to shit. I’d give him my house key before I left, and he was going to look after things here until I could come back, but he didn’tlivehere. And I thought I’d probably regret that for the rest of my life.
I dressed, we topped off my suitcase, then Miles packed the car as I did a once-over of my house to make sure I had everything I needed. Sure, I wasn’t moving all my stuff today, but this still felt like I was leaving and wouldn’t ever come back. I knew that wasn’t true, but itfeltlike it was.
We were at the airport sooner than expected due to the lack of traffic this time of day, the boulder in my gut growing with every passing mile. When Miles pulled up to Departures, a tear slipped free. Fuck, this was the hardest thing I’d done in my life.
I unbuckled my seat belt, but when I didn’t open the door, Miles turned to me. I didn’t want him to see my tears, but I wasn’t going to miss my chance to say goodbye for the world. Maybe just goodbye for now?
God, I hoped that was true.
Tears were streaking down Miles’s cheeks as he reached up to tuck my unruly hair behind my ear. I hadn’t bothered to put product in it today, so it just hung limply on the side of my head, a visual representation of how much this day could just fuck right off.
“Have a safe trip, Daddy. I’ll miss you every moment of every day.” A half sob spilled from his lips before he caught it, swallowed it back. His next words, whispered with voice cracking, broke me. “I love you with all that I am.”
I threw myself at him, wrapping my arms around his neck as I sobbed. His arms snaked around my waist and pulled me close to him, the closest we could get with the damn console between us. “I love you more than anything, my sweet baby boy.” I pulled back to look into his tear-stained eyes. “This isn’t goodbye forever, right? I’ll see you when I come back in July.”
Miles nodded, but I could see in his eyes that his heart wasn’t in it. Even if he got to the point where he felt he’d finally taken control of his life, would he even want to uproot himself and move out to Seattle to be with me? Or would our separation hurt so much that he’d come out West before he’d done all he’d meant to do, making him resent me? Or maybe the crushing weight of this grief would make me unable to stay in Seattle, and I would give up everything—including the life I wanted—to move back to Gomillion to be with Miles.
There were so many ways this could go sideways, and even I could recognize that these heightened emotions did not put me in the best mindset to make those kinds of decisions. No, we needed space from this, time to get our heads sorted. Once wecould think more clearly, we could figure it out. I had to believe that.
Fuck knew this weekend had been a whirlwind. Once the dust settled, maybe the perfect solution would present itself.
We pulled away from each other, and I took a fortifying breath before opening my door. Miles did the same, popping the trunk of my car—I planned to leave him the keys for my vehicle, too—and pulling out my luggage.
He slammed the trunk shut, and I just stood there, staring up at him. Luggage and passengers surrounded us, but I saw nothing but him.
My sweet baby boy.
My beautiful Miles.
The man I loved.
The man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
The man I was leaving behind.
I pulled him into one last hug, squeezing until there was nothing between us. Then I kissed him, my tongue tangling with his in a slow dance, our hearts melding even as they were being ripped from our chests.
Then I broke the kiss, a single involuntary sob leaping out of my throat, and took a step backward. Squaring my shoulders, I offered Miles the sweetest smile I could manage. When I said “I love you” once more and he said it back in that cracking, broken voice, I nearly called the whole thing off.
