Page 39 of Atlas & Miles
He just stared at me for a full minute, and I could almost see the war going on in his head. Then, after a few moments, I saw it in his eyes: He wasn’t ready to live life with me, not like we wanted to. Not out and proud.
That hurt more than I expected.
Damn, I couldn’t deny it any longer—I loved this man. And this was possibly the worst time to realize that. Fuck my life.
Miles shook his head, pulling away from me to wring his hands together in his lap. “I’m sorry, Atlas. I . . . can’t.”
I had to tread carefully, I knew that, but maybe he needed his Daddy in this moment. “Would you be willing to tell me why? It might help to talk it out.”
He swallowed hard, reaching for his water glass and taking a long swig. I watched his throat work again, and for a moment, I worried he’d keep his secret.
“I . . . I guess I’ll start from the beginning.” He cleared his throat then turned his body toward me, settling in. “My dad died when I was eleven.”
I gasped. “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.” He never talked about his parents, just his sister, and I’d often wondered what the story was. I wasn’t close enough to him in high school to have heard what happened.
He smiled sadly. “He would’ve loved you. He loved us all so much and was gone much too soon. Fuck cancer.”
“Fuck cancer,” I agreed easily.
Miles shifted, pulling at the thighs of his jeans. “Anyway, just before he passed, I realized I liked boys. So I told him. He gave me a hug, said he was proud of me, and then he was gone less than an hour later.”
I couldn’t help myself—I put my hand on the one he had resting on his knee. He turned his wrist until our palms weretouching and let me intertwine my fingers with his, drawing strength from my touch. At least, I hoped that’s what he was doing. “I’m so sorry for your loss, Miles.”
Tears welled in his eyes. “It was a long time ago. But once he was gone, everything changed. My mom got angry and depressed and couldn’t be the parent we needed, so I took care of Claudia myself. I . . .” A single tear fell down his cheek, and he scrubbed it away with his free hand. “I got so good at taking care of everyone else that I kind of collapsed in on myself. I’ve been going through life without a purpose or direction, merely surviving. Existing. Until you.”
I blinked, staring at him. His eyes were wet, but his gaze held mine, and I could see the love in them. Shit. Did he know the truth of what I was seeing in his eyes? Was he going to say it? Was I ready for that?
Miles squeezed my hand. “You saw me, Atlas. You looked beyond the surface and saw me for the boy I am. You make me want to be free, to show everyone who I really am and say fuck the haters.”
Suddenly, I felt boulders in my stomach. I sensed a “but” coming.
“And I want to. I promise, I do. But I . . .”
When he didn’t finish, I asked the questions that had been plaguing me since we’d reconnected in January. “Why do you think you’re holding on to this so tightly, baby? What are you afraid will happen if you come out?”
He didn’t remove his hand, but his entire body stilled as he considered my questions, and the effect was eerie. “I . . . I just . . . fuck!”
He leapt to his feet, shoving his hair behind his ears as he started pacing my living room.
Only a few brief moments later, he whipped around to face me, and I blinked at the suddenness of it. “I played football inhigh school, as you know.” I nodded. “But I was also on the swim team in the football off-season. There was this one sweet kid, Holden, that went to school with us. He was always on the small side, and some of the guys on the team thought he was gay, so they would spread rumors about him. One of those guys, Reece, was the worst of them all. The homophobic asshole started terrorizing Holden at one point during our senior year—I don’t even know why it started. The coaches were no help; I don’t think they realized it was going on. But . . .”
He slowed, his body stilling again, and my throat went dry. Because I knew something bad was coming.
“One day after practice, I stayed back to talk to the coach, so I got to the locker room late. I saw Holden in the locker room alone on my way to the showers. After a few minutes, I heard someone else come in. Once the shouting started, I froze, just standing there under the water listening to Reece bullying that sweet guy, calling him all sorts of horrible names and saying terrible things. I just stood there and didnothing.”
Miles’s eyes glistened, filling with tears that threatened to spill. “I didn’t stand up for him, Atlas, when Reece called Holden all the names he might’ve called me if he knew. How the fuck could I do that to him? Holden was like me! He was like me, and I . . .” A sob escaped, and my heart broke for him. “Why should I get to live a full life as a proud gay man when I never stood up for someone who was just trying to be his authentic self? I was—am—a coward.”
He paused his speech, falling into a squat and scrubbing his hands over his head, holding his hair at the nape of his neck.
When he finally looked back up at me, his eyes were bloodshot, and his cheeks were stained with tears. “I don’t deserve to be out and proud, Atlas. I don’t deserve to trample on someone like that then just move on with my life. My dad would be so ashamed of me.”
Then the strong man I loved fell back, crashing to the ground and rolling onto his side until he was curled up in a ball, sobbing. I jumped up and rushed over to him, kneeling beside him and pulling his head onto my lap. “Shh, baby, shh.” When his crying had lessened enough I was sure he could hear me, I spoke again. “Listen to me, Miles. You didn’t do the bullying—Reece did. Yes, you probably should’ve stood up for Holden, but you were a kid yourself, and you were scared. You don’t need to punish yourself for the rest of your life for this. It’s time to let it go.”
His tear-stained eyes turned up to catch mine, and I was glad I’d worn my waterproof mascara. “But I—”
I pressed a finger to his lips and whispered, “No, baby. Let it go.”
He opened his mouth once again, but I shook my head firmly.
